This is it, the final episode. Time for the housemates to pack up their designer bags and have their drivers pick them up at the door. Their 10 days in the house have yielded 4 hours of solid entertainment and now it sadly must end. It’s time to say goodbye to all our favorite not-ready-for-prime-time celebrities. And to Corey Feldman.
Yes, Corey. Let’s not forget about him, although I think it’s safe to say that anyone who has watched the show won’t be able to scrape the memory of his tear-streaked face from their brains any time soon. The most annoying person on the show, hands down, will also prove to be the most memorable. He will be the one I first picture in my mind when retelling the tales of The Surreal Life to my grandchildren. He is the one least likely to come out of this experience with his integrity intact. He is the one who dressed up like a pirate for his wedding day.
Ahhh, yes, his wedding day. We feared it would come to this. As if Corey’s bad attitude and immature rants hadn’t won him the majority of the spotlight throughout the show, now he has an entire episode devoted solely to his spontaneous wedding. Mr. Salt of the Earth sure knows how to command attention.
Before the big day, Corey wants to set things right with his housemates. He calls a meeting with all the housemates and understandably, nobody wants to go to it. Corey "Wet Blanket" Feldman has ruined a lot of their good times in the past week and here he is again trying to lay another bad trip on them. Can’t they just lock him out of the house or tie him down and beat him with soap in a sock? They reluctantly meet in the living room and wait for Corey to huff and puff his way down the hallway, obviously mentally preparing himself for some heavy soul searching. This is going to get worse before it gets better.
He explains to his housemates that he’s really a sensitive person, as if the quivering jaw and constant sobbing didn’t already clue them into that fact. Hoping to mend any fences that he demolished with his pouting and tuneless singing, Corey tells them he’s happy to share his wedding with them all and wants them to remember the best things about each other once their time in the house is over. The best things about each other? I bet you 10 to 1 that Gabby’s best memory of Corey will always be his stellar voice work in Fox and the Hound. As he breaks down and cries, Brande asks him, "Do you want us to help you pack?" I don’t think she meant that to sound as heartless as it did but somehow she voiced the exact sentiment the others were thinking. You can see in their sideways glances and stifled laughter that Corey’s exit can not come a moment too soon.
The sun rises over the Surreal Life house and it’s wedding preparation time. Corey suits up in his Louis XIV outfit which Neil dubs the "shoe cobbler thing." It is an absolutely bizarre costume, apparently made out of giant doilies. Corey looks out the window to see which guests are arriving and spies Hugh Hefner exiting his limo with a bevy of plastic women. "There’s Hef," he slobbers, ogling the buoyant women. "How funny." Yeah, an elderly swinger and his silicon harem…hilarious.
Souzi’s mom tells us that she fell in love with Corey while watching "Stand By Me" at the age of 10 and, well, just look who she ended up with. "Destiny has a way," she explains. Oh, is that all it takes? Well, I can’t wait for destiny to do its magic on Meredith Salenger because I fell in love with her in "The Journey of Natty Gann" when I was 8. If you’re reading this, Meredith, email me.
Neither Corey nor Siouxsie had the smarts to back out of the wedding so now we must place our faith in the others. Any housemates want to put a stop to this? No? Friends, family? Anyone with even the slightest reason why we shouldn’t be a party to this madness? Somebody, please, save this woman from marrying this sad sack of blubbering potatoes. Hearing my plea, the ring bearer makes a break for it. The crowd sits in stunned silence as the young genius turns his back on the ceremony, heading off into the Hollywood sunset. Unfortunately, his little legs can’t carry him fast enough to outrun his mother, who scoops him up and aims him back in the proper direction. Well, you can’t fault the kid for trying.
As Hammer preaches the good word, Corey stares at his blushing bride, biting his bottom lip like a cartoon hillbilly. It’s a frightening sight and one that must have given Susie second thoughts. Before she has a chance to dodge this idiotically grinning bullet, the Rabbi announces it’s time for them to exchange their vows, which they have chosen to write themselves. The viewing audience emits a collective groan. This is going to be ugly.
Corey’s vows sound like third-rate Seussian poetry written by a sappy, mental deficient. I don’t remember his exact words but it amounts to something like, "We are like a foot in a sock/ A hand in a glove/ A key in lock/ A love in a love." He barely spits it out amongst all the crying and he completely breaks down while listening to Suzie’s free verse love language. Thankfully, he is able to wipe his runny nose on the handkerchief-like fabric covering his arms.
Finally we come to the "I Do"s. Is there no one who will put a stop to this farce? Just as Corey opens his mouth to speak, Brande’s dog attempts to save the day. "No! No! No!" it shouts, temporarily distracting everyone from the matter at hand. When the laughing subsides, the Rabbi continues, ignoring the desperate pleas of the animal. "Do you take this woman…blahblahblah?" he asks. "You better believe it," Corey answers. Boo. Thankfully, Soosie is able to read from the script without improvising. "I do," she says. Corey scrunches up his eyes and mumbles, "Mmmmmm." Ugh.
Following the ceremony, the guests begin to party heartily. Vince rehashes his "Surreal Life Blues" as the other housemates boogie and Corey and Suzi slip away into the night. Before he leaves, Corey remarks that he finally feels like everyone’s on his side. It’s true, they did seem to get along with him better today but I believe it has less to do with them being on his side than it does with the fact that he was out of their hair all day. Corey also seems more relaxed with Suzie around. Obviously his mental and emotional well being are directly dependent on her proximity to him and this week away from her left him rudderless in a sea of emotionally stable celebrities, a situation he is obviously not used to. The fact that he was more pleasant today doesn’t make him any more likeable it just made him annoying in a different way. Even with all the kind words and slaps on the back from his housemates, they’re all still glad he’s leaving a night early.
The next day is a day of goodbyes as, one by one, the remaining housemates leave each other and return to their relatively normal lives. Free from Feldman baggage, the other six stars show just how much more agreeable they are without him but, truthfully, it’s kind of boring. The day is filled with hugging, laughing and genuinely bittersweet moments without a single instance of disagreement. Apprehensive at first, the housemates made the best of a bizarre situation and are truly sad to see each other go. It’s nice to see but nice doesn’t make for good television. Without the conflict caused by Corey, there’s very little of interest going on. As annoying and petty as he was, he was an essential element to the enjoyment of the show and now that he’s gone, all we’re left with is a house full of friends. Who wants to see that?
episode one: the giggle that never stops
episode two: the trouble with corey
episode three: talent is a relative term
episode four: st. vincent, patron saint of
rock
episode five: the perils of love and fame
episode six: i hate corey feldman but i love
this show
episode seven: if you write your own wedding
vows, do not make them rhyme
