"I’m the most down-to-earth celebrity you’ll ever meet."
This is the quote heard at the beginning of the credits during each episode of The Surreal Life and they are spoken by the world’s most deluded man, Corey Feldman. If by down-to-earth he means self-centered and childish then he’s absolutely correct. However, if he means sensible, realistic or any of the other synonyms Microsoft Word is offering for the phrase, then he is way, way off.
The gap between Corey and the other housemates grows wider with each show. This is perfectly understandable as my dislike for him increases exponentially each week and I only have to spend a half-hour with the guy. I can only imagine that it’s the fact that they are constantly being videotaped that keeps the others from brutally attacking Master Feldman and throwing his body in the pool. If the WB knew what was good for ratings they would let this happen because, seriously, who would complain? By this point, even Suzi, his fiancée is ready to crush his tiny skull. I guess having a week apart from Corey has made her realise how much richer life could be without him but she better decide quick because the wedding’s in two days. They’re closing in on the point of no return and they’re both doing some heavy thinking amidst all the hasty preparations and hand wringing.
A wedding is a major event requiring weeks, possibly months of planning. Since Corey decided to get married on a whim to hopefully attract some publicity and push himself back into the limelight, the amount of planning time has been cut incredibly short. With the constant requirements The Surreal Life has imposed on him like camping and getting lost in Las Vegas he has barely been able to find the time to get anything done. Don’t the producers of the show understand he’s getting married in a few days? He barely has time to properly gel his hair let alone fulfill his duties to The Surreal Life. Why don’t they get off his back? Stupid jerks.
At least Soozi is taking care of things right? Right? Well…no, actually. But can you blame her; I mean the poor girl’s stress level is at nine. NINE! She doesn’t have a ring yet, she hasn’t made any phone calls because she keeps crying and the guest list she drew up doesn’t pass muster with Corey. "What were you thinking?" he shrieks as he looks it over, crossing off name after name with a big, black marker. "These aren’t my friends." Jesus, Corey. If you’re going to apply those stringent standards, the groom’s side is going to look a little empty.
Down-To-Earth Corey doesn’t even have a tuxedo yet so I don’t see how he can get so upset with Suzie when she’s basically planning this whole fiasco herself. What has Corey done to get ready for this wedding other than cry to the camera? Apparently nothing, although today he has arranged to meet with a rabbi who will possibly perform at the wedding. But this being Hollywood, even the rabbis have one man shows and this guy’s is titled, "Religion Outside the Box." For a moment there, I thought this wedding was going to be a ludicrous sham but after seeing the rabbi I am now certain of it. Corey, showing good judgment for once, isn’t so sure he likes this rabbi. This guy could possibly turn their B-celebrity packed, Hollywood backyard, Reality TV wedding jamboroo into something other than holy and the idea of having a non-traditional wedding overseen by Rabbi Shecky Green frightens Corey. That must be why he has asked Brande to invite Hugh Hefner. That’s right, he has asked Brande to call her cool friend Hef and ask if he would grace the wedding with his presence, adding that touch of class that only Hef can bring. Once again, Corey passes off his duties to others but, like he says, it’s tough to do a wedding on television. No one’s twisting your arm, sporty.
Along with planning a wedding, arguing, and rocking out, add softball to the long list of Things Corey Sucks At. The boy can’t throw. The boy can’t catch. The boy can’t stop a slow moving grounder. It’s really quite depressing to watch him in his oversized shorts stumbling around the field and generally making an ass of himself. To top it all off, Corey lets a bit of misogyny slip out of his mouth when he says that the pitcher for Brande’s team made him look like a girl at the plate. No, the girls could actually hit the ball, Corey. I was rooting for the pitcher to throw one of her incredibly hard fastballs directly into the side of his head. No such luck.
On the drive home, Corey shocks everyone with the revelation that that was his first time pitching. Thankfully Jerri has no tact and jumped at the chance to attack Corey through the door he just left wide open. "I never would have guessed that," she chortles. Her dead-on cruelty towards Corey on this show makes me rethink how she was portrayed on Survivor. Maybe it was the different circumstances of the Outback or maybe she was simply misrepresented by CBS as a raving bitch who took no prisoners but here her evil streak works so well because its aimed directly at the one housemate who is most deserving of ridicule. Jerri is only doing her duty to knock Corey down to earth as often as possible, keeping him humble. She’s a surrogate for those in the home audience who, like me, scream obscenities at Corey while throwing popcorn at his pixelated head.
Corey and I don’t see eye to eye on this topic. I think Jerri is right in pointing out his faults with glee but he sees things a bit differently. Any time there’s the slightest remark made about how he is less than perfect or a little out of line, he freaks out. Jerri’s softball comment causes him to pout for the rest of the van ride home, through dinner and the rest of the evening. There goes your chance to be a bridesmaid, Jerri!
The show then illustrates once again why I love it so. Apparently the producers of the show understand that they have a low rent diva on their hands and they enjoy showing footage of him pouting and complaining and penning new song lyrics alone in his room. The scenes of Corey wandering the house alone are wonderfully intercut with shots of the other 6 housemates partying in the hot tub and the pool. Corey sulks. Brande does a cannonball. Corey whines. Manny tries not to drown. Corey broods. Hammer wears a Speedo. You can’t help but begin to love the rest of the housemates unconditionally simply because they are treating this experience as the absurd excursion it really is while Corey is busy battling self-imposed demons that flutter around in his head. He feels alienated from the rest of the house and appears to have no idea why that is. The producers are all too happy to remind us with a little Corey Asshole Montage highlighting some of the choicest moments of past tantrums and fits.
Hammer says that Corey needs to step up and show what he’s made of if he wants to leave the house on a positive note. With only one episode left and a self-serving wedding ceremony to plow through, the odds are not in his favor. If he does manage to pull it together for the final show, who will be his best man? Which houseguest will get drunk first and knock over the cake? And how long can this doomed marriage possibly last? Please place your bets now.
episode one: the giggle that never stops
episode two: the trouble with corey
episode three: talent is a relative term
episode four: st. vincent, patron saint
of rock
episode five: the perils of love and
fame
episode six: i hate corey feldman but
i love this show
episode seven: if you write your own
wedding vows, do not make them rhyme
