A lot of tears were shed during tonight's episode. After a night in Las Vegas that involved some heavy drinking and debauchery, every single housemate ended up crying in a shockingly touching finish to "The Surreal Life"'s first Very Special Episode. One housemate was even crying the previous night while still in Las Vegas but we'll get to him later because now is the time to primp and prepare for a night in the city of sin.
Alarms ring and the kids slowly wake up, blearily rubbing their eyes. Mom gets breakfast ready as everyone prepares for another day of surreal living. Today is Emmanuel's turn to shine on the electric toothbrush, taking up the mantle from Corey. Not surprisingly, Manny looks much more dignified while electrically cleaning his teeth. Maybe it’s because he keeps his mouth only partially open as opposed to Corey's hideous, gaping maw. Is the whole house sharing this one toothbrush or do all celebrities feel that it is beneath them to physically move their toothbrushes up and down?
The paper arrives and the "stars" learn that today's activity is a flight to Las Vegas for an evening of hearty partying. Vince's ears perk up. Fresh from his night in the hidden master bedroom, he is happy to hear the news. Vince lives in Vegas! So does his fiancée! After only four days humoring the knuckleheads in the house, Vince is frothing at the mouth to get out of this waking nightmare. A night in Las Vegas with his honey will be a much-needed respite for him. Unfortunately, the calming effect this contact with his normal life will surely have on him will only decrease the chances of the viewing public getting to see him rip off Corey’s head and kick it into the pool. Pity. To prepare himself for an evening in "his town," Vince blow-dries the hell out of his hair and dresses up in a pinstripe suit, evidently forgetting to actually comb his hair along the way. The men hoot and whistle at sexy Vince and his dapper duds. He looks like the best man at a shotgun wedding. As lovely as Vince looks, the Outfit of the Evening award goes to Hammer, hands down. Wearing black shades and a black long coat, he could pass for one of Neo’s sidekicks in the Matrix.
After landing in Las Vegas, the crew gets on a bus headed for The Palms. Vince chatters away, excited to be back in familiar territory. There’s an interesting assortment of celebrities living in Las Vegas like Penn & Teller, Ron Popeil, Jimmie "J.J." Walker and Louie Anderson. Like 1-800-CALL-ATT commercials, Las Vegas seems to be the place where celebrities go when no one else will take them and as such it is the perfect setting for this show.
A few turns are missed, the driver makes some bad decisions, and Vince freaks the fuck out. Every other word is bleeped out as he goes on a tirade about bad driving and being late to meet his fiancée. Corey tries to get the girls to come out from the back of the bus to help calm Vince down since he is now yelling at the camera people. Corey, as we’ve learned from his phone calls with his fiancée, hates confrontation and cannot stand to be around raised voices. He is flipping out. Brande hasn’t made it up front and apparently the negotiations to get Vince to stop screaming cannot start without everyone present. Gabrielle reminds Corey that everyone always has to wait for him and he gets pissy and defensive. During the hubbub, Vince managed to calm down on his own but now Gabby and Corey are going at it, upsetting the other housemates. "Why is mommy yelling?" The petty squabbling is put on hold when they finally arrive at the casino. Vince, once again showing the most sense of them all declares, "Fuck everybody, it’s time to party!"
Corey, not content with way things went on the bus, sulks through dinner, eventually storming off. He cries openly to the camera explaining that he was simply trying to help his friends and he’s nervous about the wedding and he has a lot of things on his mind and now he’s upset and blahblahblah. All his whimpering is brilliantly intercut with shots of the others enjoying a sumptuous meal and insulting the black sheep of the house all to the tune of Bacharach and David’s "What the World Needs Now." It’s a refreshingly evil scene. I feel no remorse when cackling at the sorry wreck of a man that is Corey. While the others most likely dropped out of the spotlight due to a fickle public’s short-term memory, I am certain that the blame for Corey’s loss of fame can be placed squarely on his shoulders. He is a brat and a bore and he’s impossible to deal with. Later in the show he attacks Gabby again, psychoanalyzing her and blaming her for the fight. Then he instantly claims she is pointing fingers at him and is trying to be a therapist. According to him, Gabrielle Carteris, arguably the least famous of the 90210 housemates, a woman who has been out of the public eye for years now, is too "Hollywood." Since Corey is obviously so well versed in psychological analysis, he should have no trouble realizing that what he’s doing is projecting probably due to a crippling inferiority complex and some deep seated mother issues. Leave it to Corey to try to once again sabotage a possibly enjoyable outing.
But the others refuse to let his bad trip get in their way. No sense in letting this spoiled baby ruin the fun. Step right up ladies and gentleman, pick your poison. A veritable feast of depravity lies before you so dig in.
Gabby, Brande and Jerri choose lust and visit a strip club. Jerri claims she has never been to a male strip club. Brande can’t believe it and frankly, neither can I. What follows is a delightful montage of chiseled chests and blurred, flopping penises. Jerri laughs like a hyena as a blurred area comes within inches of her face. All of this is too much for Gabby the mom who gave it the old college try but just can’t shake that uneasy feeling that comes with watching women objectify men. I mean, happily eating sushi off a nearly naked woman lying prostrate before you is one thing but giving men money to gyrate lasciviously is just plain wrong.
If you learn nothing else from tonight’s episode, at least remember this. Whenever Emmanuel Lewis goes dancing, there’s "always a Manny Sandwich™." Webster steps on the dance floor and is immediately surrounded by women with blurry faces attempting to start some sort of freak train. You just know, Gary Coleman is watching at home, sick with jealous rage.
After dancing, Hammer and Little Hammer go to Fatburger, picking gluttony as their deadly sin. Corey, fresh from crying in the desert night, tags along. Now, I know celebrities live sheltered lives but aside from Brande’s shock at learning there’s a tax on food in Episode One, they seem to get along relatively well fending for themselves and interacting with the public. Corey, however, is a different story. Upon entering the Fatburger, Corey sees some non-whites and determines that they are gangster guys, "real heavy hitters." I expected to see some extras from the "Beat It" video, all ripped t-shirts and swinging chains, but in reality it turned out to be a typical assortment of city dwellers out for some greasy food. Oh, Corey. As Hammer and Manny bust some dance moves for the appreciative crowd, Corey just sits and eats quietly, praying that he makes it back to the safety of Hollywood alive.
Vince has created a little trio of his own tonight consisting of himself, his fiancée Lea and a few dozen beers.
He reluctantly joins the others for the bus ride back to Los Angeles. Stumbling and slurring, he makes his way to a bed and attempts to sleep it off.
To make up for the sins of the past night, the housemates are scheduled to go to church the next day. Oh no! We have to go to church? Boring old church? With the hard pews and the dim lighting and the promise of hellfire? Count me out. No, wait this church isn’t like that at all. They’re taking a trip to the First African Methodist Episcopal Church where the room is bright and sunny and the choir is huge and can actually sing! While it’s not the neon orgy of Las Vegas, this church is still much more preferable than the typically gloomy Catholic kind.
It is here, in this house of god, that a funny and completely unexpected thing happens. Vince Neil, rock and roller, is born again. A man who had, by his own admission, given up on prayer when his 4-year-old daughter died of Cancer, found himself praying before bed later that night. What could possibly have turned him around? What power was able to dig deep within the soul of this ragged, aging rocker and find the holy man within? A miracle worker named MC Hammer.
Somehow, Hammer was allowed to speak at today’s ceremony. I checked their website and didn’t see MC Hammer or Stanley Burrell listed on the ministerial staff page so I assume that this isn’t where he typically preaches yet there he was, at the pulpit, doing what he does best: working the crowd. As he told the parishioners Vince’s sad tale, the housemates all burst into tears due either to Vince’s lack of faith or their own lack of sleep. Hammer dragged Vince, who still appeared to be hung over, up to the front and prayed for god to help this man regain his faith. The sight of a bloated, tired Vince Neil with tears in his eyes surrounded by ministers as MC Hammer preached to an audience consisting of Emmanuel Lewis, Jerri Manthey, Gabrielle Carteris, Brande Roderick, and Corey Feldman is easily the most ridiculous scene so far on this already supremely ridiculous show but for some reason I wasn’t laughing. I was struck dumb.
I have no idea what to make of this episode. The first half was a wonderful mix of mild depravity and trivial bickering set against the backdrop of one of the strangest cities in America but the second half was much more bizarre due to Vince’s renewed religious faith. It’s hard to mock a guy who has lived through the trauma of such a horrible event. I just sat in stunned silence as the credits rolled wondering if I had just witnessed the silliest thing ever or if Hammer once again proved he had the power to change lives for the better. I guess we’ll find out next week once the effects of the alcohol have worn off and Vince once again wakes up to Corey shouting out, "He’s not a loony!" in his sleep. The grace of god can only go so far when you’ve got the world’s most annoying former child actor as your roommate.
episode one: the giggle that never stops
episode two: the trouble with corey
episode three: talent is a relative term
episode four: st. vincent, patron saint
of rock
episode five: the perils of love and
fame
episode six: i hate corey feldman but
i love this show
episode seven: if you write your own
wedding vows, do not make them rhyme
