Poor Corey Feldman. He still thinks he’s a big star. Now, I’m not claiming he’s not a star, but the light that once radiated from him is significantly dimmer than it was in, say, the late 80s. When your name has become a punch line I would wager that you are no longer a big star. Corey’s housemates seem to understand that they too are no longer the kind of famous that they once were but each seems to have accepted this fact and moved on. This is not the case with master Feldman. While everyone else in the house proved much more likeable this week, Corey’s rating dropped considerably. He spent this week’s episode with a scowl on his face, obviously unhappy with his housemates and the show itself. It’s as if he had some idealistic notion about using The Surreal Life as the first stepping-stone towards reclaiming his pop culture throne and is slowly starting to realise that his optimism has failed him once again. Poor Corey.
Episode two follows our heroes as they go on an overnight camping excursion in the wild woods somewhere outside of the Hollywood Hills. It sounds a little gimmicky but, like the premise for the show itself, you can’t argue with the simple brilliance of the concept: Seven pampered half celebrities spend the night in the wilderness. Hilarity ensues.
Upon hearing the day’s plan, Vince Neil scrunches up his face and reaches way back in his memory banks. Dadgummit! He doesn’t think he’s ever actually been camping. You mean Mötley Crüe didn’t stay at parks and campgrounds while rocking the nation from coast to coast? I was sure I had heard stories that Vince would busy himself making s’mores while Tommy Lee hung their spandex out to dry. Nikki Sixx would pull out the old banjo for some sing-a-longs while Mick Mars passed out face first into the campfire. I guess the great outdoors aren’t too rock ‘n’ roll.
It turns out Corey may never have been camping either, except for in "Stand By Me." Well he must be a better actor than I give him credit for because I totally bought it in that movie. He seems apprehensive and none too pleased about the notion of spending the night under the stars. Corey bleats out that camping is an activity "us type people" don’t do very often. Us type people? If by that he means "reality television show characters", then he is way off as proven by all five seasons of "Survivor." If he means, as I assume he does, "The Super Famous", well then how do you explain Emmanuel Lewis’s giant hunting knife? Shorty came prepared for a night in the wild.
As they pack for the trip, Vince breaks off the zipper on his overstuffed bag. Gabrielle helps fit it all into his backpack by showing him how to fold his clothes. Seems he never thought of doing that. I think this is more a symptom of him just being a really lazy slob than it is due to his former career as a rock star.
On the ride to the camping area, Corey won’t shut up about his tales of growing up in the business, which sound awfully well rehearsed as if he’s preparing for his own E! True Hollywood Story. Nobody wants to hear his sob stories. Maybe he has forgotten but almost everybody else in this van has similar tales to the ones he’s telling, they’re just not so pathetic to still whine about their rough life in front of the cameras. There are lots of shots of uncomfortable faces as Corey prattles on and on about how he had millions then, shockingly, lost it all. You can see them each plotting on how to kill him in his sleep.
Then the producers hit us with this week’s stroke of genius: A detour for breakfast at a truck stop! Aside from one autograph hound, nobody eating at the truck stop seems to give a damn about the greatness in their presence. The truckers give them the same, "who the fuck are you" stares they give everybody who comes in there. This has the possibility of being a wasted opportunity but wait, Emmanuel loves truckers. He has "a great respect" for them and he immediately sits down at a table with a few to shoot the shit. The sight of Webster talking to big burly guys about hallucinating behind the wheel of a semi that is hurtling down the road at top speed is a memory I will always cherish. I’ve been wondering lately about why this show is so appealing to me. Is it really because the contestants are famous people instead of just regular joes? Is that all it is? Am I watching this just to see MC Hammer discuss sex addiction with blue collar workers? I think this scene helped prove to me that the answer to these questions is a resounding yes.
At the campsite, there is a contest to see who will stay with Jerri in the luxury tent. This seems to be something devised simply to cause a rift in the house and further alienate Jerri but it surprisingly doesn’t have that effect at all. Instead, the camping excursion only helps bring the housemates closer together. All the housemates except Corey that is.
Mr. Feldman seems to be slowly realizing that this show may not be his ticket back into the gilded palace of sin that is Hollywood. Did he really think it would be so easy? As they all sit around the campfire, Corey wonders out loud if this show can possibly have a positive outcome. Might it be that they are all here to be laughed at collectively by the viewing public? Will this be something that he will be leaving off his resumé in the future? Hanging out with such third-tier celebrities cannot be good for his image or his career. Before he can further expound on his thoughts of how this show isn’t all he had cracked it up to be, Hammer interrupts him with some priestly words of wisdom: It is "so wimpy to complain" when you’ve had the life that any of them have had. They have all had their moments in the sun so what do they have to get upset about. This show is nothing more than a fun way to spend a couple of days. No need to get all crazy about it. Corey’s not buying it. The post-fame life may be okay for Hammer who now has god to console him or for Gabrielle who has a loving family to go home to but Corey wants it to be 1986 again, on the cover of Bop magazine and making movie after movie with Corey Haim. Everyone else is laughing and drinking and agreeing with Hammer as Corey clams up and glances stone faced at all of them. First the regular folks were beneath him and now these half-baked pseudo celebrities are beneath him too. You can see in his eyes that he is already regretting the decision to come on this show. You can see in the rest of the housemates’ eyes that they think Corey’s a putz.
episode one: the giggle that never stops
episode two: the trouble with corey
episode three: talent is a relative term
episode four: st. vincent, patron saint
of rock
episode five: the perils of love and
fame
episode six: i hate corey feldman but
i love this show
episode seven: if you write your own
wedding vows, do not make them rhyme
