Taking the train wreck philosophy of reality television to its natural next step, The Surreal Life premiered Thursday night, providing an hour of solid fishbowl entertainment. The premise is simple and brilliant: Throw 7 has-beens or never-really-weres together in a posh house for 10 days and watch as the B-list celebrities collide. No games, no challenges, no host, just the pleasures of watching famous people live side by side as if they were some kind of twisted nuclear family. Pure genius.
The show begins as they all arrive one by one, as in the movie Clue, to their new digs. Each gives their reason for doing a show that seems designed to give the public just one more reason to laugh at them and none make much sense. Emmanuel Lewis was quoted in Entertainment Weekly as saying ''I like projects in which I can really act and not be me all the time.'' Oh, this should be good. My guess is they all believe that any publicity is good publicity and this show will prove to them how wrong they are.
Let’s meet the contestants shall we?
Gabrielle Carteris is kind of boring. She states right off that she has two kids at home and doesn’t want to end up in the mom role here. Immediately after saying that she settles right into the mom role. Well, come on, somebody had to decide what to do about the groceries, dammit! She amuses the audience by poking holes in Corey Feldman’s flimsy arguments. He says he is a vegetarian for "moral reasons" claiming those who refuse to eat meat for health reasons are wrong yet he has no compunction about wearing leather shoes. When he explains that he wears leather shoes because they were a gift and he’ll accept dead animals as gifts she says, "Fine, then let me give you a steak." Role in the house: Mom. Likeability: 4
Jerry Manthey is the odd girl out. The rest of the housemates continuously point out while waiting for her to arrive. Neither an actor nor a musician she is an outsider, someone whose fall from glory was considerably shorter than the rest of the housemates. She is also a reality show junkie, this being the fourth of these types of shows she has appeared on. The rest of the house seems to immediately hate her when she appears due to the fact that she is supposedly "a bitch" and because they simply don’t know how to relate to a non-celebrity. I mean, how can Brande Roderick be expected to find common ground with someone who is famous because of a game show? She would have a much easier time sharing a house with someone like her who is famous because of their marginal talent and giant breasts. This non-celebrity interloper just isn’t going to cut it.
Jerry still seems plenty unlikeable but it works better on this show than it did on "Survivor" since on this show manipulating others doesn’t lead to cash prizes. Since there’s no money at stake, she seems more relaxed yet she’s never afraid to make an absurdly rude comment to someone she has just met. This becomes apparent when, hoping to alienate herself further, she tells the houseguests how she laughed and laughed when the producers told her who else she would be sharing the house with. You were laughing with them, right Jerry? Role in the house: The sister-in-law who no one likes, shows up uninvited and stays too long. Likeability: 5
Brande Roderick is the…wait a minute. Who the fuck is she? Apparently she was on "Baywatch Hawaii" and later appeared in Playboy. So that makes two Playboy playmates in the house. Can a visit from Hef be far behind? It’s funny that Brande, who most everyone I know has never heard of, has the biggest chip on her shoulder about having a non-celebrity like Jerry in the house. Why is she so mad about sharing the spotlight with Jerry? Well, it turns out, she had heard that the 7th houseguest was going to be Robin Givens but for reasons I am too lazy to find out, Ms. Givens was replaced at the last minute by the "Survivor" Ice Princess. Ohhhh…well that explains everything. The news that Brande is disappointed by Jerry’s presence comes out on the morning of day 2 and when asked if she has anything she wants to get off her chest, Brande says (with the most painful ‘I’m lying’ face ever) "I don’t have any secrets." By the end of this week’s show, she has completely changed her mind about Jerry. Suddenly, she finds herself admiring Jerry’s big mouth and dominant personality. Wow! At this rate, they’re going to be, like, best friends by week’s end. By the next show, I expect they’ll be braiding each other’s hair. Role in the house: Sullen older sister Likeability: 3
Corey Feldman is creepy. He still has those mischievous eyes that won America’s heart in the Goonies and Dream a Little Dream but his hairdo is for shit. Spiked and dyed blonde it looks like he’s trying to win a role as one of Kiefer Sutherland’s lackeys in The Lost Boys. After his years of fucking anything that moved and/or would provide him with coke, he has found himself a nice fiancée, who we find out later in the show, occasionally brings girls home for them both to play with. This love of his life seems to have little to no self esteem and immediately pressures him via phone to tell her if housemate Jerry is pretty or not and whether she has fake boobs. It’s a touching, disturbing little scene. By the end of the show he has asked her to get married to him on the teevee. He wants to do it on the last day in the house and claims "the whole world" will be watching their wedding. Somebody’s an optimist. Role in the house: Annoying moralistic teenager with terrible fashion sense. Likeability (out of 10): 3
Emmanuel Lewis is insane. He tells us that he loves to have a good time and then goes on to prove it by giggling throughout the entire show. There is nothing in this world that doesn’t amuse the little fella, whether it’s a framed TV Guide with himself as Webster on the cover or the sight of a bunk bed. A bunk bed? That’s hilarious! Mr. Lewis seems to stay out of the arguments or touchy subjects that occasionally bubble up in the house, probably because if you’re shouting at somebody you’re not having a good time. He and MC Hammer get to share the bunk bed and the sight of them going to sleep one bunk away from each other is both cute and extremely disturbing. Wherever Hammer goes, Webster isn’t far behind. I don’t really know what to make of him so far, I only wish he could have brought along Alex Karras for the ride, if only to help carry in his bags of luggage which appear to be packed for a year-long journey instead of a simple 10 day vacation. Role in the house: The brother who no one talks about. Likeability: 6
MC Hammer is funny to watch. Every time he speaks I find myself giggling like Emmanuel Lewis. He has no problem telling it like it T-I-IS and confronts Jerry about her bitch persona claiming to have done some "grass roots research." Apparently before the show began, Hammer went to department stores around Oakland to ask regular, normal folks (like you and me) what the story was with the mystery houseguest. The word on the street was not good and he’s not afraid to tell her the bad news.
Towards the end of the show, the group is presented with a sushi dinner. The sushi sits in rows on the stomach of a naked woman who has flowers covering her breasts. She looks bored. Or maybe she’s just as bewildered as we are to see these 7 people all hanging out together. Anyways, Hammer flips out and leaves the dining area followed closely by Little Hammer, Emmanuel Lewis. "I don’t eat sushi," he shouts, "and I certainly don’t eat it off no naked woman." This makes Webster giggle. Corey follows the two of them in the house. It turns out that Mr. Open Relationship, who brought along a stack of nudie magazines, has some moral problem eating raw food of a nearly naked woman who is not his fiancée OR someone his fiancée brought home for him. Since the sushi girl meets neither of these criteria, he feels obligated to pass on the meal. The three of them end up ordering pizza and eating it off a nearly naked table. Role in the house: The formerly flashy older brother who is now a family man and born again Christian. Likeability: 7
Vince Neil is looking puffy. Years of alcohol abuse and shouting at the devil will do that to a man. He seems to want nothing to do with anyone in the house right from the start. Vince watches with bemused detachment as they all descend on the local food market for their groceries. Immediately proving that he is the smartest one of the bunch, he chooses to let them fight over what foods will or will not be purchased, content in the fact that he has a refrigerator full of beer waiting for him when they get back. During the sushi madness, Vince sits right down between the woman’s legs and proceeds to chow down. "More for us," he keeps saying. I like Vince. He seems to have a good handle on the absurdity of the show and is determined to coast through it without creating too many waves or too many friends. His attitude seems to be, "Fuck you, I’m drinking." Early on in this episode it is revealed that Vince used to date Corey’s ex-wife. I hope she got her shots. Role in the house: Tired old dad, who just wants to watch t.v. and drink beer. Likeability: 8
The show ended with clips of the next 7 episodes, giving the viewers a nice window into the madness they have to look forward to if they stick out this carnival ride to the end. If the clips are any indication, the insanity is only going to increase as this show wears on. There’s a trip to Vegas, some kazoo playing on stage in front of an audience and a possible wedding to look forward to. Plus, Mr. Feldman ends up sobbing to the camera at one point about his hurt feelings. What could possibly get Corey so down in only 10 days? I’m giddy with anticipation to find out.
episode one: the giggle that never stops
episode two: the trouble with corey
episode three: talent is a relative term
episode four: st. vincent, patron saint
of rock
episode five: the perils of love and
fame
episode six: i hate corey feldman but
i love this show
episode seven: if you write your own
wedding vows, do not make them rhyme
