7/2 Tuesday night, Keyspan Park

Cyclones vs. Ironbirds In attendance- Sarah, Deborah, Sebastian

This was five year old Sebastian Hodge’s first official game (last year’s rainout does not count) and he seemed interested in the game. However, he was more interested in Sarah and playing with the umbrella from his drink. On the way home, Sebastian discussed his knowledge of fractions. He actually knows more about them than most third graders I know.

7/4 Thursday night, AutoZone Park

Memphis Redbirds vs. Portland Beavers In attendance- Eric, Amie, Jeremy, tons of Memphis folks

After almost 18 hours of driving, Jeremy and I arrive in Memphis. This was the first stop of our Mix Tape Road Trip where we listened to all 65+ tapes/ cds that we had made each other since 1995- all in order. We needed a break and this was perfect. It was unbelievably hot in Memphis this evening but we were in the South so we couldn’t complain. We found our way to the park after getting slightly lost in a sketchy part of town. I tried to call Eric on a pay phone outside a liquor store. The phone was clearly designed for midgets so I had to hunch over as a guy across the street made frightening gestures in my general direction. Eventually though we found our way.

The game was so relaxing after that debacle. So Taguchi (Eric celebrated So Taguchi Fever) hit a game tying single in the bottom of the 8th. In the bottom of the 9th, the Redbirds player who had been suspended a few weeks earlier for going into the opposing team’s clubhouse to beat up a player had the game winning hit in the bottom of the 9th. Then the fireworks after the game before driving to a party in Memphis past firefighters shooting off fireworks. At the party, we shot off fireworks for at least 45 minutes straight. We drank the coldest Buds ever (even colder than at O’Connor’s), listened to Alice Cooper and the Ramones, ate meat, and learned that Memphis punk rockers wear fanny packs.

Highlights of the game - Learning from Plumley which Redbirds players were the most successful with the ladies. Stirring the pot with the news delivered to Eric that Jamie had stolen his nickname of "Hot Tub". And Eric’s friend with the super high pitched voice who cried out in glee when So Taguchi tied the game in the 8th, "This is how we do it down here in the dirty dirty!!"

7/5 Friday night, The Ballpark at Arlington

Rangers 7 Orioles 6 In attendance- Jeremy

So I had bought tickets for the Saturday game, but it turned out to be more convenient for us to go to the Friday night game. The Mets would never ever let someone exchange tickets from one game to another. But, rudeness ain’t the style of Texans. I was able to exchange the Saturday tickets for Friday’s game and I was pumped. No need to mess with Texas when everyone is so gosh darn nice.

We arrived super early for the game and then the rains came. So we were denied an opportunity to watch batting practice. So we ate dinner at the Fridays overlooking the field. Fridays sucks on Rockville Pike, but when you can eat while looking out onto a major league ballpark, the blandness goes down just a little bit easier.

Because of the rain, the game started late. And it went late. It was one of those games that seemingly takes forever. The Orioles took a 6-3 lead but eventually blew it. We were planning on leaving Arlington to head to Austin after the game so after the Rangers tied it in the bottom of the 9th, I did the unthinkable. I rooted against my Birds. The game was just another meaningless one in the midst of five meaningless seasons. I had a hep city to get to! So when Frank Catalonatto drove in the winning run thus averting extra innings, I did more than just secretly rejoice.*

The ballpark was kind of sterile, but the folks in Texas know how to play between inning music. No Cotton Eye Joe, no Shania Twain. Instead we got Chris Isaak, the Smiths, Rush, Old 97’s, Elvis Costello, Elvis Presley, and the Hindu Love Gods.

Vendor pitch of the night in the 7th inning- "Semi cold beer here!"

*Say what you will about the concept of the mixtape trip, but the only "plan" they had was to drive until they were halfway done with the tapes and then turn around, so you can ignore this "we needed to get to Austin" crap. Dan rooting against the Orioles is just another sign that he is slowly abandoning his primary rooting interest in favor of the bloated, unlovable (and perhaps slightly swishy) Mets. If you think his recent acquisition of a Mets-loving girlfriend is going to ebb that tide, you are sadly mistaken.

Dan responds- Look here Jamie- if you had stopped badmouthing the whole idea of the mixtape trip last summer, you would have known that your notion of the plan was horribly outdated. You speak of the original plan of June 2001. By July 2002, the plan had mutated many times and we did have a plan. Plus, you try going to a game with a guy who really wants to leave and you’ll start rooting against extra innings too. I can not leave a game that goes to extra innings. Every Orioles game for five years has been meaningless. What is one game in July?

Give me a break Paquette, you’re the one who stood outside my apartment smoking cigarettes during many important moments of the Red Sox playoff run in 1999. You remind me of my grandmother who always found ways to leave the room during crucial moments of Redskins games because she got too nervous during big moments. Were you outside eating Sour Sweetarts when Bill Buckner let the ball go through his legs?

Furthermore, if I’m such a Mets fan now, why am I considering getting an Orioles tattoo next month and not a Mr. Met tattoo?

7/16 Tuesday afternoon, Shea Stadium

Mets 10 Marlins 5 In attendance- Me

I got back from my mix tape trip on Monday afternoon and it had been eleven long days with no baseball. Luckily for me, the Mets were playing a weekday afternoon game - my favorite kind. So relaxing, so perfect.

Mo Vaughn hit one of the longest homeruns I’ve ever seen as he began to heat up. The Mets raised their record to 47-46. After the game Al Leiter said, "Hopefully, we’ll string some more wins together, and we’ll be talking about fun stuff instead of why we stink." If only it had been that easy, Al.

7/24 Wednesday night, Shea Stadium

Expos 2 Mets 1 In attendance- Dave N.

It was a lovely night of chatting and stranded Mets runners. Roberto Alomar was thrown out at the plate to end the 7th by Vladimir Guerrero. In the 8th, Rey Ordonez came up with 2 outs and the bases loaded. The guys behind us were cheering for a wild pitch because he knew there was no way in hell that Ordonez would be able to get the runner home himself. Unfortunately, no wild pitch was thrown. Of course, Rey-Rey couldn’t get the tying run across the plate.

Dave asked me if I would rather see another Yankees World Series victory or a strike that would wipe out the season. I’m pretty sure I was rooting for a strike.

It was Greek Night at Shea which meant that they showed a clip from Big Fat Greek Wedding at some point in between innings.

7/26 Friday night, Trenton

Trenton Thunder vs. New Britain Rock Cats In attendance- Jamie

The first night of baseball trip 2002. Rich couldn’t make this year’s trip because of a prior commitment in Park City. Jamie and I embarked on the first leg of the trip because of Eric’s strong recommendation. We arrived a little late, but before we could even buy tickets, we were offered tickets by two fifty something guys in exchange for two beers once inside the park. Wow, this trip was already off to a rousing start.

Before we could even make it to our seats, we were asked by a Thunder employee if we wanted to participate in the Dizzy Bat Race on the field. Jamie and I looked at each other, looked at the guy, and both enthusiastically blurted*¹ out, "Yes!"

We finally made it our seats by the 3rd inning where we were able to talk to our recently made friends - Rich and Buzz. Rich seemed to be a bit of a prankster and Buzz was happy to be part of the whole scene. Rich is still an eligible bachelor and Buzz’s wife doesn’t particularly like his shenanigans. We heard all about he and Buzz’s schemes ranging from using fake membership ID’s to go golfing at the local golf club to sneaking into the racquet club to play racquetball to avoid the 25 dollar yearly fee. Rich tells us all about the good strip clubs in Myrtle Beach and how he is the man who suggested that the Altoona minor league team name itself the Curve. This is the ballpark that has the 80 year old roller coaster right over the outfield wall. Jeremy and I rode the coaster on the very last leg of the mix tape trip when we stopped in Altoona.

But now the chitchat had to take a back seat. Yes folks, it was nearing the top of the 4th inning which only means one thing- The Dizzy Bat Race! Jamie and I made our way to the previously determined meeting spot (somewhere near the Dippin’ Dots booth if memory serves correctly). We were taken to the bowels of the stadium where we were led straight into the New Britain dugout. We met our competition in the race- two Boy Scoutmasters from Trenton. Jamie and I knew we were not going to have the hometown crowd on our side for this match. We spent a half inning at the end of the tunnel separated from the Rock Cats dugout by a thin wall. We stood behind the Rock Cats manager and coaches as they stood to watch the game. We could see most of the infield from our vantage point but not home plate or the outfield. It was a very strange spot to watch a game from. The Rock Cats scored run after run after run so we stood in the dugout for a long long time shooting the shit with our competition as well as the two Thunder Dizzy Bat Race employees. We desperately tried to say interesting things to say to try to get any of the Rock Cats coaches to turn around and give us a smile. No luck.

Finally, our time had arrived. We were led onto the field and told to take our positions. Jamie and Scoutmaster 1 stood in the wet grass near third base. Scoutmaster 2 and I stood in the wet grass by home plate. Rich and Buzz had made their way to the second row right near us. The lights were bright, the sold out crowd thirsted for blood. Jamie and I were introduced to the crowd first. "Hailing from Brooklyn, NY" but I didn’t even hear my name being introduced as were inundated by a cavalcade of lusty boos. I lifted my arms above my head and waved the bat around to let the crowd know who was boss. If you’ve never been booed by thousands of people before, I suggest you find a way to get booed in such fashion. It is quite a high. The two scoutmasters were introduced to thunderous applause and love.

The race was set to commence. For those who don’t know what a dizzy bat race is, listen up. Jamie and Scoutmaster 1 stood at third base with their foreheads on a bat. They were told to begin spinning themselves around the bat- their foreheads are not to leave the bat handle, the top of the bat is not supposed to leave the ground. After ten or so seconds of spinning, Scoutmaster 2 and I were told to start spinning. After five or so more seconds, Jamie and the Scoutmaster 1 were told to start running. They came tearing down the baseline while Scoutmaster 2 and I continued to spin. When they reached us, they tapped us on the shoulders for a race to the finish line. A free oil change at a Trenton gas station was on the line! Could I deflate the thousands of hometown fans or would I just be playing the role of that team who plays the Harlem Globetrotters?*² Well, I took off for the banner held aloft near third base as Jamie collapsed in a heap by home plate. The world was spinning. I had no equilibrium and did I mention that the grass was wet? I made it about ten steps before I wiped out much to the delight of the Trenton hooligans. By the time I made it back to my feet, Scoutmaster 2 was eons ahead and I had blown it for millions of Brooklynites. However, we were given the nice compensation prize of a free tire rotation at an area gas station*^3,4.

After the race, Rich and Buzz led us to the seats behind third base where they had been cheering us on and taking pictures. We were introduced to the beautiful redhead who Rich had been hitting on while we were spinning. She claimed to be the Thunder’s catcher’s wife. We left the game in the 9th having watched about 5 pitches total of the entire game. Next Stop - the Irish bar "Tir Na Nog" with Rich and Buzz. Rich introduced us to everyone at the bar and told them about our trip. He hit on every woman under the age of 30. The 3 piece band played traditional Irish music. All the drunks became our best friends in traditional Irish fashion. A lot of sing alongs, a lot of strangers patting our backs and congratulating us on our baseball trip, a lot of women running for cover from Rich. Buzz ran into a woman that he had taken to the Junior Prom- a woman he hadn’t seen in over thirty five years!

After the bar, Rich and Buzz drove home drunk (or so we think) but Jamie and I still had two more stops. The first stop was the Trenton prison which has an amazing baseball mural painted on one of its walls. Eric had described the mural as being painted by a bunch of third graders and that is exactly what it looked like. On one side of the wall, Jamie and I stood and took some pictures- on the other side of the wall there was probably at least one shanking going in the prison during the time it took us to take photos. The second stop was back at the Trenton Thunder ballpark for Boy Scout sleepover night. There were dozens of tents set up on the field and googles of Boy Scouts running around on the field and in the stands, playing ball, and watching Shrek on the Diamond Vision screen. It was a sight to behold and we felt good to be able to at least temporarily scare away some lone pervert scoping out the joint.

Changed slogan of the night as told to us by Rich and Buzz- The famous bridge in Trenton is named after the slogan "What Trenton Makes, the World Takes" is more well known these days as "What Trenton Uses, the World Refuses".

*¹ I am not a big fan of the word "blurt".

*² The Washington Generals.

*³ Other than the omission of me falling down while spinning – before I even had to run – then nearly veering onto the field while trying to run, Dan’s representation of events is generally accurate.

Dan responds- It was hard for me to see what Jamie was doing because I had my head on a bat as I spun in circles. Sorry.

*⁴ The "compensation prize" had a value of $30 for tax purposes. It was of little consolation.

7/27 Saturday night, Durham

Durham Bulls vs. Indianapolis Indians In attendance- Jamie, Dave, Katie, and Henry

Henry attended his first ever game which is the coolest thing ever because the 2002 season had started before he did. That’s right - the three month old Henry wasn’t even born until after the season had started. The Durham ballpark was a little different since the last time I had been there in ’96. There were seats added to the outfield that used to just be a hill. You’ve got to have enough seats to be big enough for AAA ball. I miss the Carolina league days of Durham though.

Still, it was a nice night for a game and great company. I had a kielbasa burrito for dinner, we had a sighting of the 34 year old Pat Lennon, and we got to see a guy bleeding profusely after getting hit in the head with a foul ball.* The Bulls scored ten runs in the 4th which was too many runs for the hand operated scoreboard operator who had to put the 10 in sideways to make the number fit.

* This was after a kid had been whacked by a ball the previous night in Trenton in almost the exact same place down the first base line. All the more reason to pay attention to the action on the field.

7/28 Sunday afternoon, Turner Field, Atlanta

Phillies 7 Braves 1 In attendance- Jamie, Bryan, Christine

We got up so early (5:30 a.m.) for the drive to Atlanta that the Durham Biscuitville hadn’t even opened yet! Eventually the sun came up as we drove through N.C. and we found an open Biscuitville. We also passed many many many signs for Adult Entertainment stop as we drove through Bible Country. "Couples and Truckers Welcome! Showers!"*¹ The Jesus signs equaled the porn signs in quantity and, to be honest, also in quality - "God Loves You Whether You Like It or Not".

As we waited for Bryan, Jamie and I amused ourselves gawking at the giant painted baseballs in front of the ballpark. There was one for each team and they had been commissioned for the 2000 All Star Game in Atlanta. They were garish, tacky, and utterly confusing - a microcosm of the South to us yankees.

Both teams were wearing their throwback uniforms. The Phillies wore their classic burgundy and blue get up. I could have sworn that if you squinted the right way that Jimmy Rollins looked just like Steve Jeltz. Chipper Jones was in the midst of another solid season, but his homerun totals were way down. Christine’s theory on this is that his newfound monogamy has led to his homerun rate decreasing.

Southerners are polite - at least on the surface. Bryan told us how at one Mets game in 2001, he and a pal sitting in the bleachers were ordered by an usher not to heckle any players. However, at this game, there was one lone heckler who saved all of his ire for the Phillies’ Bobby Abreu. The church group sitting nearby didn’t appreciate his venom and what follows is a sample of what we had to listen to throughout the game:

Heckler - "Abreu, you suck!"

Church group member to heckler - "Jesus loves you!"

Heckler turns around to glare at church group then even louder cries out - "You blow, Abreu!!"

The Phillies end two annoying Braves streaks in this game. The Braves had won every series since sometime in May, but the Phillies took this one two out of three. Also, Gary Sheffield’s streak of getting on base in some ridiculous amount of games in a row ended. Scott Rolen homered in his last game as a Phillie.

I have documented proof that Jamie Paquette did the Tomahawk Chop at this game.*²

*¹ I imagine that you could get your PhD studying the ecosystems of bacteria present in these showers.

*² There is no proof of anything. I was merely waving at the camera.

Dan responds- I suppose Jamie does have an excuse to do the Chop since the Braves started in Boston.

7/29 Monday night, Tropicana Field, Tampa- St. Pete

Devil Rays 6 Orioles 1 In attendance- Jamie

Two successive signs seen in Tifton, GA.: 1. "Tifton GA, A High Speed Internet City." 2. "Next Stop, the 1890’s." After a quick stop at Jamie’s grandmother’s house, it was off to Tampa. We arrived in the first inning and we made our way into the indoor albatross of the dome. The concourse and hallways were deserted- it felt like ten minutes before closing at the mall in Leisure World. There was a bizarre Devil Rays mural on the wall with hundreds of fans cheering on the beloved Rays - happy youngsters, wise senior citizens, cheering women and men, Frankenstein, Dracula, and assorted aliens. Before finding our seats, we also passed by a seven foot tall likeness of a Devil Rays player making a catch a few feet above our heads. His feet weren’t visible as he makes a lunging catch as he literally crashes through the wall above us. Odd.

Once we made it to our seats, we figured out the system - the upper deck is closed off and the lower deck is first come first served as long as you don’t try to sit in the box seats between the bases. We settled in our great box seats for some A.L. East basement dwelling action.

By the 7th inning, Jamie and I made our way to the seats right behind the Orioles’ bullpen. The pitchers were right next to the stands so we were right next to them. But the best part was the seats themselves. There were about 25 or so office chairs set up in this part of the ballpark. Swivel chairs even. We made ourselves real comfortable in our swivel chairs for some exciting observations:

Also, during the last few inning, Jamie chatted with this strange woman downing coffees as she rated her favorite ballplayers and how good looking they were. Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter got thumbs up, Nomar didn’t. White players didn’t seem to turn her on much. Her favorite O’s player was Luis Lopez. She was alone and we kept thinking that she was going to hit on some of the Oriole pitchers but she never did.

Oh yeah, Paul Wilson pitched eight lovely innings and the Devil Rays knocked the O’s around for 17 hits.

Vendor highlight of the game - the vendor dressed in a Riddler outfit.

After the game, we went back to Grammie’s*² to catch the end of "Nash Bridges". She made a point of turning the set off when "Martin" came on. Jamie helped her figure out how to work her VCR and her "Hi-Fi". She also comments to Jamie that she really likes male flight attendants because they always have so much more "pep" than their female counterparts.

*¹ Can you imagine a player in Yankee stadium complaining about abusive language coming from the stands? Any usher worth their yellow jacket would tell them to go tell their mommy. I guess this makes sense in a town where the lameness of Ybor City passes for a hip spot to hang out. We should have gone in search of Dwight Gooden’s boyhood home instead.

*² Did you really have to call her "Grammie"? I don’t know why but it makes me feel weird inside.

7/30 Tuesday afternoon, Baseball City, Florida

Yankees Gulf Coast League Team vs. Royals Gulf Coast League Team

7/30 Tuesday night, Pro Player Stadium, Miami

Cardinals 5 Marlins 0 In attendance- Jamie

After a lovely breakfast at Perkins, Jamie’s grammie sends us off with bottles of frozen water and fruit. We don’t make it too far out of town though because Jamie reads in the paper that the Royals Gulf Coast League team has a home game right in town at 12 noon in Baseball City. Back in the heyday of the 80’s, Baseball City was a sparkling jewel in Central Florida. A theme park*¹, spring training, it had it all. Now the park is closed, the Royals are moving operations in 2003 and no one really cares.

We found the park, but no entrance. We walked around and found the locker room entrance for the Royals farm club. Jamie peeked in, but got scared off from proceeding any further. Eventually, we found the way in and were shooed in through the bowels of the stadium where we came out through the players’ entrance. No ticket takers, no vendors, no operating scoreboard.

There were about 20 people in the stands all of whom were sitting in the back where the shade was.*² Jamie and I were pretty sure that we were the only people there in the stands who weren’t either a pitcher for one of the teams or a relative of one of the players. Jamie snagged an official Gulf Coast League ball by one of the dugouts and we were off after a couple of innings in the heat. It gets really hot in Florida, you know.

So we set off for Miami. Jamie got pulled over for a speeding ticket (Did you ever pay that, Jamie? Because if you didn’t, I want my 85 bucks back!) and the cop asked Jamie, "Is there a reason for the speed back there?"*³

After driving through Florida, Miami popped out of nowhere and kind of scared Jamie who wasn’t quite ready for it. It did seem like another planet upon arrival.

The game was dull, but it was fun to go to another empty stadium. Pro Player is one of those huge stadiums made for football where they have to cover up thousands of seats in the upper deck part of the outfield. Not a baseball town, Miami. Jamie bought a scorecard, but none of the vendors had a pencil for him to keep score. Andy Benes threw brilliantly for the Cardinals. Two days earlier, we had seen Scott Rolen’s last game as a Phillie and now we were seeing his first game as a Cardinal. The Marlins fans might not keep score, but they know when and who to boo. Rolen was booed mercilessly.

Jamie noticed that the organist played fun songs with the introduction of each player loosely related to the player’s name. For Fernando Vina, he played "The Pina Colada Song". For Tino Martinez, "What’s Love Got to Do With It?" Get it, Tina Turner. Tina/Tino. Get it? For both Jim Edmonds and Edgar Renteria, "The Theme from Mr. Ed".

After the game, we headed to the dog track for the last race of the night. At the last second, I changed my mind on my five dollar bet from dog 3 to dog 4 costing me 90 dollars when dog 3 won the race.*⁴

After the track, it was South Beach time. Tacky. I kept expecting to run into Jose Canseco with entourage in tow. With Jamie at the wheel, he jumped the curb to get just the right angle for the photo of the "95 Ends" sign. Anything for a good picture.

As we entered Homestead, Florida on the way to the Keys, we happen upon a swarm of cop cars descending on a Circle K with guns blazing.*⁵ Nice.

*¹ Boardwalk & Baseball. My grandfather worked there for a few years, but I guess it’s hard to compete when Disney World is 15 minutes away.

*² This might have been the hottest day I’ve ever personally experienced. You could literally feel yourself displacing air as you walked.

*³ So that’s when Jamie said, "Fuck you occifer, I don’t want your fucking ticket." And then he sped away with the officer’s tie rolled up in the window.

*⁴ Sorry to keep interrupting, but it must be pointed out that Dan changed his bet because he thought Dog #3 was too fat to win. He actually thought he could handicap the race based on a 5 second glance at the dogs, like he bred them for a living. That really cracked me up. My chosen dog, having led for the first 2 laps, faded badly and is probably tied up in someone’s back yard barking at squirrels right now.

*⁵ No shots were fired.

Dan responds- No shots were fired- that we were aware of. Oh yeah, and I forgot, on the radio leaving Miami we repeatedly heard an ad for a local "gentleman’s" club called "The Booby Trap". Their slogan for amateur night was "You’ll never know who’ll pop in… or pop out for cash prizes."

7/31 Wednesday night, Pro Player Stadium

Marlins 8 Cardinals 5 In attendance- Jamie

After a disappointing morning at Key Largo*¹, a silly afternoon at an Alligator Farm in the Everglades*², and an early evening dinner at a cheesy nightspot in South Beach, Jamie and I headed for Cards-Marlins Mach II. We buy four dollar "Fish Tank" tickets which means you can pretty much sit anywhere in the Upper Deck. I badmouth Tony Larussa as I’m known to do- the guy has ruined modern baseball! His inane pitching changes backfired in this game. What a genius he is. At one point, Jim Edmonds bunts foul with 2 outs, but follows the idiotic play with a homerun.

Highlight of the game - a tie between the 8 year old hecklers*³ and the fact that three Marlins players have AC/DC songs as their intro songs.

After the game - Jai Alai time! What a sport. Then off to Grammie’s house again. Lightning storms kept us awake (barely!) and we arrive at her pad at 3:45 a.m. She is up watching Court TV. Ah, Grammie.*⁴

*¹ Where I wanted to spend just half an hour or so swimming in some crystal clear water and maybe searching for buried treasure, but where public beaches are apparently about as common as a snowstorm.

*² Where we were out on a metal fanboat during a lightning storm, then had to kill 30 minutes in the gift shop waiting out a downpour. Love those Everglades!

*³ The one kid kept saying "Rally, rally / The Pitcher’s got a fatty" about every 15 seconds. Points for originality at least.

*⁴ OK, that’s enough.