Report cards for mixes, while extremely nerdy, are actually pretty useful. They let the mix maker know what hit and what missed, allowing the mix recipient to put a stop to the constant flow of terrible Fifth Column songs before it gets out of hand. It’s also a great way to waste time creatively.

What follows is a small sampling of some of the various types of mix report card entries, all culled from actual report cards!

Glowing Praise

"Agua de Beber" (Astrud Gilberto) – If I’m ever suicidal and I come to you and I ask for one reason that I should live – point me in this direction. A

"Pile of Woe" (Laura Cantrell) - Do the countrypolitan fans like this stuff or can they not hear quality even in their own brand of music? Is it like Puddle of Mudd fans unable to appreciate the glory of Sonic Youth? And if they do like it, how can they then go back and put on a Toby Keith cd? I will never understand people. A

Annoyed Indifference

"The End of History" (Momus) – How do you spell precious? M-O-M-U-S. Oh wait, I forgot a letter. C

Extended Insult

"Charles in Charge" (Smudge) – If Doc Hopper did this, you know you wouldn’t like it. Nostalgia fuck – Hey pal, put your hair in braids and become a scenester, you starfuck!

Unrelated Personal Anecdote

"Phenomena" (Milton Babbitt) – I once had a baseball coach with the last name Babbitt and he had an asshole son who sucked but who nonetheless pitched all the time. B

Inside Joke

"25 Minutes to Go" (Johnny Cash) – It’s too bad that "Mitten at Riker’s Island" show fell through. Our songs "Too Lazy to Use the Toilet," "Attempted Murder is for Pussies," and "Spending My Parole at the Zoo" would have gotten great reactions from the convicts.

"Live" (The Merry-Go-Round) - I’m doing the Freddy to this right now! In my office chair! I’m serious. B

So-and-So meets So-and-So Analogy

"Big Dreams" (Rayburn Anthony) – Elvis catches Johnny Cash dumpster diving behind Eddie Cochran’s Pit B-B-Q restaurant. Somebody had big dreams of baby back ribs. A

"Skokian" (Hot Butter) – Barry Manilow giving Tortoise a piggyback ride while strapped to a dildo on the Vampyros Lesbos cd. A

"Undenied" (Portishead) – Tori Amos and Tricky fuck in Kate Bush’s garden.

Anger at the Recording Levels

"Vox Balanae, Protozoic" (George Crumb) – Otherwise known as Can’t Hear the Fucking Song. B

Brilliant Rambling Madness

"There’s a Cradle in Caroline" (Bix Biederbecke) – I assume that this is before he was on the Incredible Hulk. Is this for Frank Heath to sing on the next Barry Black LP? This is my favorite song since Lawyers in Love by Jackson (I Never Met a Darryl I Didn’t Discolor) Browne. On the Dave Berman Lo-Fi scale – a 74!

Positive Reaction with Reservations

"Voodoo Lady" (Ween) – Good and all but there’s something about the vocals that makes me want to pummel the Anthony Kiedis out of these guys.

"Cold Cold Heart" (Hank Williams) - I dig this tune, but it’s not nearly as good as his tune "Bikini Kill." Now that… that’s a barnburner. A-

Short and Sweet

"West Coast Blues" (John Fahey) – Gastr-Delicious.

"The Driving of the Year Nail" (Leo Kottke) – I’d love to see this guy live or maybe dead.

Extended Imaginary Description

"Bengawan Solo" (Rebecca Pan) – It sounds like this song was performed at the bottom of a well with the recording equipment at the lip of the hole then broadcast over loudspeakers at a foreign army base and recorded again by one of the troops in his barracks. A

"Lullaby" (Tom Waits) – I refuse to believe Tom Waits lives in a modern house with clean rugs and working appliances. I like to imagine that he and his family all live in a creaky old shack with an outhouse (or shitter if you prefer) and rooms filled top to bottom with half-baked inventions and bottles filled with mysterious liquids. As the kids lie down to drift off to sleep, Tom pulls out the old concertina and sends them off to the land of sleep on a boat made of bones. A

Prurient

"Lila" (Frankie Trumbauer and his Orchestra) – How many people felt each other’s genitals while gently swaying to this one on the dance floor in those heady times known as the 20s? What a friggin’ melody! A

Intellectual

"Countdown" (John Coltrane) – The drum solo intro sets this apart from the rest of the plunk-plunk-toot crowd.

Pleasantly Surprised

"If You Can’t Rock Me" (Ricky Nelson) – This song is like Jerry Lee Lewis-lite. And I don’t mean that as an insult. Sometimes it’s better to rock a little less if in exchange it means you won’t end up fornicating with your 13 year old second cousin and having ex-wives mysteriously "disappear." All hail the clean-cut boy next door. B+

Non Sequitur

"Llorando" (Rebekah del Rio) – Have you ever seen a Vanessa del Rio flick? A

Completely Lazy

"Carson" (Excuse 17) – More please.