Day 9 – July 11, 2002
Our harrowing night of self-created terrors over, we awake refreshed and happy to find our car where we left it on the street. The Motel 6 parking lot was completely full last night, and the peppy attendant promised us that if we left it on the road it wouldn’t get towed and he spoke the truth. Huzzah!
Mix #45 On the Nature of Nymph Mania
Maker: Dan Date: 9/98 Begun: 3:09am Ended: 11:28am Miles Covered: 128
Amarillo, TX – A stop is made in Conway, Texas so we can see the Slug Bug Ranch, the indie rock cousin of the more famous Cadillac Ranch. The Slug bug Ranch consists of 3 yellow VW beetles, noses buried in the ground, protruding at 45˚ angles. Nearby is a mural featuring an armadillo getting tanked and a tourist shop promising free gifts which turns out to be a barrel full of rocks, one per customer. Our last chance to find "Don’t Mess With Texas" shirts is a bust, although they did have some that read, "Don’t Mess With Texas, Whoop Ass," which were funny but just not right. How many people know that "Don’t Mess With Texas" is the slogan of Texas’ anti-littering campaign? We always thought it was simply a big Lone Star State Fuck You. Live and learn.
Mix #46 The Difficult Third Album
Maker: Dan Date: 11/98 Begun: 11:31am Ended: 1:23pm Miles Covered: 114
Oklahoma somewheres - Jeremy’s report card begins with seven As in a row for Dan’s music picks. When will the streak end? A stop at Love’s and no laughing this time. We thought it might be a store policy or something but apparently not. The streak of As is blasted all to hell by the appearance of Spike Priggen and his big, fat F.
Mix #47 Finishing Marc Balgavy
Maker: Dan Date: 2/99 Begun: 1:27pm Ended: 3:01pm Miles Covered: 114
20 miles from Oklahoma City – Back in college, Marc Balgavy filled in for a friend’s radio show, Jack Watson’s Teenage America. Marc dubbed it America’s Teenage Marc Balgavy and proceeded to tell his life story, or at least the teenage years of it, over the course of the next few hours. Dan had included snippets of this masterpiece, in order, on every single tape he gave to Jeremy and decided to finish it once and for all on this tape, cramming in snippets between every few songs until we finally reached the end of Marc’s haunting and hilarious story. The previous snippets were always funny but the selections on this tape are particularly amazing, partly due to the fact that the show was creeping into the wee hours of the night and a little bit of tired psychosis seemed to be setting in. A sampling: "Her parents were gone, her brother was gone, let’s go to the back room and get it on." "I was a sucker for the joystick and the naked woman." "It’s a bad thing when people listen in. if you are listening in, keep listening because my head is full of chocolate." Wonderful.
Mix #48 Radio
Maker: Jeremy Date: Summer 99 Begun: 3:05pm Ended: 4:45pm Miles Covered: 88
Nearing Checotah, OK - Jeremy’s tribute to radio including station ids, static interference, and War of the Worlds. At 3:45, we hit a detour and are sent into Porum, OK where the gas stations feature handwritten signs reading, "Not Resonsible for Accidents." As we are stuck on the detour, we reach the trip’s 5000th mile!
Heading back towards the highway, still stuck in a soul crushing detour, the car right behind us begins to swerve, then speeds up nearly hitting us, then he slows down again and repeats the process for the next 10 miles. Is he drunk? Someone who hates our New York plates? Just a bad driver? Eventually, someone pulls in front of him protecting us but then they disappear and he’s back on our bumper. Dan finally turns into a car wash and lets him by. We wanted to take a picture but were afraid to turn around for fear that it might have riled the guy up.
Mix #49 The Tired Hedonist
Maker: Dan Date: 6/99 Begun: 4:47pm Ended: 6:37pm Miles Covered: 93
Assville, OK – At 5pm, we break out the candy corn, hoping to break out of our detour funk. At 5:01, we enter Arkansas. At last! Out of Oklahoma, that fucking state. Oh good god, now we’re down to one lane and barely moving again. We will most definitely be late for Memphis. Arkansas sucks too.
Mix #50 The War is Over
Maker: Jeremy Date: 12/99 Begun: 6:39pm Ended: 8:20pm Miles Covered: 106
80 miles from Little Rock, AR – We are stuck in The Stifling South. This is the kind of place that Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel hails from, all cartoon buckteeth and stereotypical accents. Overheard in a Shell Foodmart – Woman: "We don’t have an Arkansas shot glass." Man: "And we ain’t getting one neither."
As the Who’s "Doctor, Doctor" fills the car we spy a creepy billboard with a picture of a young woman on it with the heading, "Do you know who murdered me?" Yowsa. At 7:50 we encounter more road construction. Jeremy yells out, "Arkansas is for fucks! Goddammit!"
Mix #51 Death to America!
Maker: Dan Date: 1/00 Begun: 8:21pm Ended: 11:37pam Miles Covered: 113
Carlisle, AR – Oh, the memories. Dan began this tape with a clip of John Carpenter’s cocky phone call to his father before winning $1,000,000. We get to Memphis late as expected and drive straight to the ballpark, hoping to catch a little of the game. We get there just in time to hear Warren Morris and Jon Nunnally introduced before the game ends. Standing outside the outfield gates, we watch as the stands empty into the dark, Memphis night. Death to Traffic!
Mix #52 Holy Ghosts and Broken Noses
Maker: Jeremy Date: 9/00 Begun: 11:46pm Ended: 1:40pm Miles Covered: 82
Leaving Memphis for Holly Springs, MS – We are on our way to Graceland Too. It is dark and rainy and Dan is on edge. On the way back into Memphis, we get stopped at the train tracks as a train rolls through town. As we wait, a sharp dressed man who is obviously drunk ambles up the road, stopping within inches of the speeding train. We watch in horror as he wobbles about, fearing that we will soon be witness to a bloody dismemberment. We would love to see him run under the train cars and make it to the other side but he stays put. Finally, the train passes and the sot moves on, unscathed.
Holly Springs
We arrive in town too late for McDonald’s or Sonic. Starving, we stop in at a local gas station and purchase some nearly inedible, stale sandwiches. Dan can’t eat his but Jeremy soldiers on, chewing through the foam rubber-like bread.
Graceland Too is dark but Dan assures Jeremy that he is open 24 hours, you just have to be patient. We ring the bell, which is an actual bell, and wait. 5 minutes pass. It is silent and dark. More bell wringing. 10 minutes pass. We admire the lions and the tasteful décor but wish we could get inside. Eventually we give up. Jeremy is disappointed but ok. Dan is about to cry. That is because he has been before. He knows the glory of Graceland Too and what they are missing.
