Of all the objects that found their way into O'Connors fifty years ago and sat around until they became antiques, one stands in a class all by itself. It might just be the coolest thing in the universe. I'm talking about the Videograph, the original jumpin' juke that rang out when Pat's dad still tended bar. It sported twenty-four different selections that played at 78 rpm, and had a TV for customers that didn't have one at home. A nickel would get you five songs or five minutes on the tube. Imagine watching Friday Night Fights at O'Connors in 1947, drinking Rheingold and listening to Duke Ellington. Now I can't compete with the Videograph, but I will say the present jukebox does hold it's own. Say what you will of Spike- I know some of you hated him and some loved him and most did both- he designed a great jukebox. Much of what he put on is still there and how and why he stocked it taught me about what makes a great jukebox.

Most importantly, you need a variety of different genres and decades. On one panel we have Belle and Sebastian, The Sonics, T-Rex and The Replacements. All Rock n Roll, but four different decades and styles. Add all the different ages of jazz, country, blues, western swing, bluegrass, rockabilly, punk, indie, British invasion, soul, r&b, etc., and there's ultimately a song or two for everybody. This makes the bar much more accessible, but also maximizes the potential to match the music to the particular atmosphere at any given moment. Maybe you're knockin' back shots, feeling no pain and ready to shake some action. You want the Ramones or something from the Nuggets Box and there they are. Maybe you're in the dumps because your girl or boy ran off. I think a little Hank Williams is just what the bartender is serving up. Let's say it's a hot sticky summer afternoon, Pat didn't put on the AC and you and the other two customers are sitting there, melting into your barstools. What's more perfect than Howlin Wolf? If your enjoying a bloody mary with Charlie and you want something that doesn't get in the way of the conversation, this is the time for Chet Baker, Gram Parsons, or Dinah Washington. The combinations of atmospheres are endless, and if it's done right, the jukebox will accommodate.

Another misnomer is that your favorite album would be a great choice for the jukebox. Here's the situation: there's an album you were heavily into five to ten years ago and recently picked it up and got nostalgic about it. Let's just say, oh I dunno, Transformer. You find yourself a little tipsy and you're at O'Connors and all of the sudden you'd give anything to hear Satellite of Love. The problem is, for every time you want to hear any of the great tracks off that album, you'll hear Walk on the Wild Side three to five times, minimum. Plus they'll play the shit out of Satellite and Vicious and before you know it, Transformer goes back on the shelf for another ten years before you can forgive it. Allow me to spare you this distress. Associations with albums can change, especially when they are replaced by a negative experience.

Avoid the obvious. You want your jukebox, as a reflection of the bar, to be unique. It's also nice to avoid hearing the same ten songs all night. I love James Brown, The Stones, The Beatles, Pixies and Pavement, but come on! They're all over the place. We had the Pixies' Trompe Le Monde once. It got played to death within a month. This is also why greatest hits can be a nightmare. You can't avoid it in some situations because that's all that exists in print. I thought Spike had gone insane when he put the Troggs greatest hits on. Wild Thing is track number one. Miraculously it gets played the least of all the songs on that album. Sometimes you get lucky. In a perfect situation, you take a great band and find an album that's not as well known and great for the jukebox. For example, Who's Next is too heavy on the obvious side and Who By Numbers isn't jukebox appropriate. The solution is Sell Out. Perfect. The only song I'm tired of is "I Can See for Miles," and it's the only one on Sell Out that finds itself on greatest hits compilations.

Another important facet of your jukebox is the local band. It helps build community, but even more importantly provides free promotion for people who work hard and deserve it. I'd bet at least fifty people went out and bought Laura Cantrell's album after first hearing it at O'Connors. When people hear something they like, but don't recognize, they'll usually inquire who's playing. When it's the local band, here's my chance for the pitch. "This is Varnaline. Actually Anders Parker, the singer-song writer used to work here, but I replaced him after he went on tour opening for Bob Mould." "Oh, really." "Yeah, it's a great album. You might be able to order it from his web page…" Or, "Oh this is Hem. They're actually playing tomorrow night at the Mercury Lounge. See that guy over there. That's Gerry, their manager actually…." Etc. You get the point. You gotta hook people up when you can, and this way is easy.

Once you have fulfilled the above criteria, there should still be five to ten slots available. This is your chance to take a risk and try something that may or may not work. I thought long and hard about branching out and putting some rap on. Some rap that isn't the Beastie Boys, that is. I realized that it couldn't be rap music that is embraced by white people. I can't imagine the horror of watching dorky white kid after dorky white kid getting "down" with "I Left My Wallet in El Segundo." No offense to Tip. So I went with the Ultramagnetic MC's, "The Four Horseman." No danger of being played out and a nice choice for a cult sized following. If you're in the minority of people who love it, you'll always remember we have it. It's the first thing that comes to mind when people talk their friends into going to O'Connors instead of some other bar. I never thought I would put house/dj music on the jukebox. But the David Holmes collection fits in nicely with a jumpin' night, and gives the couple of European regulars that we have a nice slice of home.

With the blueprint laid out and executed well, the last rule of the jukebox is this: it is a work in progress. There's always going to be at least a couple that you get sick of pretty quick. Unfortunately, it's usually just a song or two that'll kill the whole album. I finally took The White Stripe's "DeStijl" off, which is good seeing how I was going to SHOOT THE NEXT PERSON WHO PLAYED "YOU'RE PRETTY GOOD LOOKING FOR A GIRL. I'm not merely protecting myself. A unanimous groan occurs as the fifteen regulars roll their eyes and think about going to Freddy's. Some things are standards, like The Kinks, George Jones or Big Star. They always fit in great on a jukebox, but after a couple years, they eventually become stale. You take off The Kinks Greatest Hits and replace it with "The Village Green Preservation Society." They're still represented, but a different choice of songs. Finally, there's almost always a new album that comes out that you really dig, so you can throw that into the shuffle. Keeping on top of the jukebox makes all the difference in retaining your sanity.

Now that I've explained what makes a good jukebox, I think it's fair to address how the jukebox should be played. The most important rule to good jukebox etiquette is to try to match the atmosphere of the bar with what you're going to play. Once I had a ultra busy weekday night and the jukebox was rockin' when all of the sudden The Carpenters come dripping out, doing their best to lull the crowd to sleep. I refer to this maneuver as the Paquette Blunder, and consequently The Carpenters were the first to go once I had control. On the other hand, there was a guy who used to come on Saturday afternoons and right in the middle of a quiet, leisurely day play "Iron Man." To make it worse, the volume was usually set to the night before, so everyone jumps out of their barstools looking dazed and exclaiming, "Wha? What happened???" Not only is this lacking common sense, but common courtesy as well.

There's an inherent rule to drinking that also proposes a dilemma to the rules. People want to hear their favorite songs when they're fucked up. It's the way it is, so they can't be faulted. The majority of people always play the same thing every time they go up and some will also play it numerous times over the night. I've even had a couple retards play the same song within the same two-dollar set! An ounce of creativity, please! That's all I ask. Why not try some of the other songs on the album for once? Would it kill you to try something you didn't recognize? Maybe the artwork is cool or it's got a great title. I've come across plenty of gems this way. I've even mistakenly played songs that turn out to be better than the one I meant to play. I went to play "Psychotic Reaction" once, but hit track fourteen instead of thirteen. I got The Thirteenth Floor Elevators "You're Gonna Miss Me." Now I couldn't live without it on the jukebox. You shouldn't feel obligated to only play the most rare stuff on the jukebox, but it's good to consider what might be played to death. Link Wray is great. No "Rumble" please.

Finally, if you're really on a roll, it's always pretty classy to mix it up, a little bit here, a little bit there. Blending a set to include Big Joe Turner, Merle Haggard, Guided By Voices, Hound Dog Taylor, Johnny Thunders, The Beach Boys, Scott Walker and Wilco can be done. It's all about a rhythm. What comes first and how you follow it up. If someone goes up and plays fifteen songs of one genre, it gets pretty tiresome for the rest of the crowd. A guy once thanked me for allowing him his "journey through the redneck wilderness." It was a quiet night and I didn't mind, but it was nice he made a point of it. And for god's sake man, try to limit the amount from one album. One guy used to come in and play seven, SEVEN!!! Left Banke songs back to back. I like The Left Banke fine, but that's just plain rude. I couldn't wait to see his face when he came in and discovered I replaced on the jukebox. It's your own fault guy. I haven't seen him since, but that works too.

Keep on Rockin' Out and I'll see you on the other side!