THE BOTTOM 6 (1 BEING THE WORST)

6. The Broken Hearts Club

Promoted as "Diner, but with gay guys instead of straight ones." The main complaint I have about this movie is that the characters' homosexuality determines everything they do and say: They wake up at gay o'clock in the morning, hang out only with other gays, work out at the gay gym, listen to stereotypically gay music, etc. Sure, I have to acknowledge that some people actually do live their lives that way. But I don't have to find it entertaining. Besides that, not much interesting happened in this movie and its attempts at jerking tears were unwelcome and unsuccessful.

5. Nurse Betty

Morgan Freeman, a talented dramatic actor, and Chris Rock, a funny comedian, were misused here. Every scene with them in it sucks. Chris Rock shouldn't be in a movie unless he's playing himself (like in Dogma). Other than that, I can't remember specifically what I hated about this movie, but I do remember that I was on the edge of my seat for the last half hour. Not because it was suspenseful, but because I really, really wanted it to end but couldn't quite motivate myself to walk out.

4. Road Trip

A lot of people I respect liked this movie, but that doesn't change the fact that it's completely unfunny. Reviews tended to compare it to American Pie, a movie that I think is about 11,000 times better than this derivative-in-a-bad-way dud.

3. Urbania

Cheesy execution of a stupid concept. A bunch of lame urban myths (for example, the one involving a guy who gets drunk and goes home with some girl, then wakes up in a bathtub with his kidneys missing) are dramatized and interspersed throughout a weak storyline about a guy seeking revenge for his boyfriend's murder. This movie deserves a little credit for depicting the main character's sexuality in a matter-of-fact way and for showing Matt Keeslar naked. He's dreamy.

2. Hit and Runway

Horribly written, terribly acted farce about a beefy, dumb Italian guy and nerdy, neurotic Jewish gay guy teaming up to write a screenplay. I felt embarrassed for everyone involved in the making of this travesty. This was probably the worst movie I have ever seen, so bad that Kristen, Andy and I walked out when there must have been around 15 minutes left, after figuring out that we'd all wanted to leave since about 5 minutes into it. Why, then, is it number 2? Because thinking about its unrelenting awfulness now at least makes me laugh. Number 1 provided zero entertainment value and its three-hour length makes it a more painful memory than this much shorter piece of trash. [Note: I saw this as part of a film festival. I think it's being released theatrically in 2001. Don't go!]

1. Sunshine

I would rather have watched someone else's vomit swirl around in a toilet bowl for 3 hours. Ralph Fiennes makes it obvious in this movie that his acting range stretches about one inch on either side of Arrogant Aristocratic-Sounding Guy. This abysmal heap of melodramatic shit somehow managed to be nominated for a best picture Golden Globe. There goes my respect for the foreign press.

MY TOP 10 MOVIES OF 2000

10. Pitch Black

A group of space travelers crash lands on a desolate planet, scariness ensues. I probably saw at least 17 films last year that were better overall, but this sneaks into the top 10 for being entertaining from beginning to end and having an arty edge that set it apart from the typical Hollywood sci-fi thriller. And because I didn't want to decide between a bunch of films I liked about equally but for very different reasons, including Chuck and Buck, American Psycho, and O Brother Where Art Thou.

9. Before Night Falls

A bio of Reinaldo Arenas, a Cuban poet and novelist. It's a compelling life story but, like most people's lives, contains too much material to squeeze into one film, so it rambles and is disjointed in parts, kind of like this sentence. Javier Bardem gives a riveting lead performance and Johnny Depp contributes an amusing pair of cameo appearances.

8. Fruit of the Vine

A 45-minute documentary about skateboarding in empty swimming pools, shot in Super-8. Not feature length, but I'm including it anyway. Thoroughly enjoyable.

7. Bring it On

So much to love about this movie. Kirsten Dunst has a contagious exuberance that I couldn't help catching. I also enjoyed seeing the new badass in town (Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) and her cute punk-rock brother learn to appreciate cheerleading without compromising their "cool kid" status. I could go on and on, but I won't. For those who saw this on my recommendation and didn't think it was that great, maybe I was able to identify more easily with what was going on because it took place in Southern California, in a town that looked a lot like mine, so it reminded me of being in high school. Or maybe there's a secret urge to be a cheerleader buried somewhere deep inside my psyche. If so, it's not getting out any time soon.

6. Wonder Boys

Michael Douglas is great in this film (and very good in Traffic as well). The whole cast is good, writing is solid, dead dogs and zany misadventures are funny. The only thing I didn't like was the neatly wrapped package of an ending. I thought it betrayed the goofy spirit displayed through most of the film, which seemed to delight in unraveling both its characters' and the audience's expectations.

5. Ghost Dog

I saw Jim Jarmusch's latest twice, the first time on opening night, when because of an apparent mixup there were no subtitles for the Haitian ice cream vendor, and the second time with the subtitles. Each way made for a different movie-viewing experience, as the first time I felt I was identifying with Forest Whitaker's character, not understanding the French but somehow understanding the man, and the second time getting to appreciate all the jokes centered on miscommunication and near-communication. This movie is funny as hell and I loved the way it played around with our fascination with violence through samurai culture, gangsters, gangstas, hunters, and cartoon characters, separately and in imaginative combinations. The scene where that Mafia goon is cold lampin' like Flavor Flav in his bathrobe is priceless.

4. Best in Show

There's a lot of over-the-top humor in this film that is absolutely hilarious, but its greatest strength is in its more subtle moments. My favorite is when Christopher Guest is talking about all the different types of nuts, and how he would recite the names of them all as a kid. I may not have laughed quite as loudly at that as I did at other parts, but I was smiling all over.

3. You Can Count on Me

This film made me laugh a lot and probably would have made me cry if I weren't such a tough guy. Loved the interaction between the kid and his uncle and the complex relationship between the brother and sister (being one of 5 siblings who are all very different, I could relate all too well). Mark Ruffalo was amazing. He would get my vote for best actor, no contest, but unfortunately I don't get to vote. His character was frustratingly selfish and emotionally immature, but also genuinely likable; not an easy feat to pull off and make believable. Rory Culkin was admirably stoic, a refreshing change from the typical Hollywood "kids are cute when they smile big or get all teary-sniffly or whisper because they see dead people" bullshit. Laura Linney did a great job as well. I think another reason this film resonated with me is that I found myself identifying with both main characters, as opposite as they are. My ideal life would probably be a combination of theirs: buy a modest house in a small town (or maybe a medium-sized city), set down some roots, but go traveling around whenever I want to, exploring new places and meeting new people. I'd have to be independently wealthy, though, so I could weed out the bad parts: her 9 to 5 job and his lack of cash.

2. Dancer in the Dark

Did I say I hate musicals? Yeah, that's traditionally been one of my mottos, but lately I've been trying to be more open minded. It turns out that the song-and-dance sequences were my favorite parts of this film. Their whimsicality perfectly offsets the rest of the film's ultimately depressing mood. I'm never been a huge fan of Bjork, but she deserves praise for making her complicated character come to life. Loved the jarring ending and the stroke-of-genius casting of smooth, beautiful Catherine Deneuve as frumpy little Bjork's best friend.

1. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Blew me away. Adrenaline-pumping action, striking cinematography and humorous twists on kung-fu movie conventions-what more could you ask for? This film carried me far away from my mundane urban existence in a way that nothing else had in a long time. In discussing it with Dan, he suggested that there wasn't much of a story and that without the fight scenes it would be "a snoozefest." I think it's important to note that while the fight scenes first and foremost are about kickass action, choreographed beautifully, they also serve to establish character and advance the plot, like songs/musical numbers do in a musical (man, I guess Dancer in the Dark really got to me). And as far as the non-action scenes go, I'd say Ang Lee's goal wasn't so much to develop a complex storyline as to explore themes, and that he did that gracefully, even poetically.