safety roll
Three or four years ago a roll of really cheap pink toilet paper entered my bathroom. I’m an adult with a job and that means I can afford good toilet paper. I prefer Charmin, but Cottonelle will do. The thin toilet paper that you can steal from work or buy for $.59 per roll at the bodega just isn’t up to my standards.
Sometimes you run out of toilet paper, and that’s where the cheap stuff enters the picture. It’s uncomfortable. It’s scratchy. It’s flimsy. And when it’s pink it’s not even aesthetically pleasing. On occasion, it’s the only thing in the bathroom. Sooner or later, we run out of good toilet paper and need to place the pink roll next to the toilet. I don’t know who brought the pink stuff into my house, but I owe that person a beer.
For the past three years, I’ve used the pink roll as the “safety roll,” functioning in the same way that the end of a cash register tape does. If you’ve ever worked a register, you know that when the tape roll is reaching the end, it has a red stripe printed on one side, alerting the user that it’s time to get a new roll. Cheap pink toilet paper serves the same function in my household. Everyone I’ve ever lived with is pretty good about buying new toilet paper but every so often it’s necessary to use the pink roll.
Due to it’s not-so-pleasing nature, the pink roll is only used for half a day and then replaced by the good toilet paper. The safety roll returns to its spot in the cabinet and is reserved for another occasion three or four months into the future. Over the course of the past three or four years I’ve purchased two or three rolls of cheap pink toilet paper. They’ve been among my wisest investments.
UPDATE: please see comments below. it turns out that i have zero original ideas, but i am happy to steal the ideas of others and share them with the world.
Comments
that stuff dyes the toilet water pink. gross.
Posted by: sh | April 26, 2004 03:52 PM
i'm glad your toilet paper standards are at the same level as mine... one thing less to worry about during the transition....
Posted by: alex | April 26, 2004 04:16 PM
i would like to applaud Marc for making this entry a lot less graphic than i probably would have. speaking of, has anyone seen that Pepto Bismol commercial with the people dancing in unison while people sing over them "heartburn, nausea, indigestion / upset stomach, diarrhea"? and on the "diarrhea" part the dancers are bent over and rubbing their asses? it just might be the funniest thing on television at the moment.
Posted by: jamie | April 26, 2004 04:39 PM
i'm tired from a long weekend, so i'm only now realizing that i think i prefer cottonelle to charmin. i can't really remember. but i know the packaging is red. and i don't like the double roll.
Posted by: marc | April 26, 2004 04:43 PM
thank you marc for a really great idea. and i agree with jamie about the pepto commercial. they grab their butts when they say "diarrhea." so best.
i use cottenelle & charmin interchangeably.
Posted by: kfan | April 26, 2004 04:59 PM
I think a former roommate who will remain nameless bought the original pink roll. You hated it and complained so when it was put out to be used, you went and bought a new one. I came up with the idea of likening it to receipt paper. And now you have immortalized it for future generations. A real team effort.
Posted by: Dan | April 26, 2004 06:48 PM
whatever. next dan is going to say it was his idea for you to start a blog.
Posted by: kfan | April 27, 2004 10:12 AM
Play nicely Kfan. I don't take credit for everything. For example, I never once have taken credit for your biting wit, dazzling insight into incredible television shows, or your all around genius. You are a real gem and I can't take credit for any of your charm. Keep up the good work.
Posted by: dan | April 27, 2004 04:26 PM
I LOVE YOU DAN YOU'RE THE BEST.
Posted by: kfan | April 27, 2004 05:17 PM
sorry dude, he's taken.
Posted by: sujan | April 27, 2004 06:03 PM
DAN I ALSO LOVE YOUR LADYFRIEND.
Posted by: kfan | April 28, 2004 11:15 AM
and i love that you're so emphatic about love, kevin fanning.
Posted by: sujan | April 28, 2004 11:27 AM
Marc, I must introduce you to a way better world of wiping: its name is Scott. First of all, the Scott rolls are generally more cost-effective because they put 1,000 sheets on there. But I've got to tell you, their toilet paper beats the hell out of those "softie" brands like Charmin and Cottonelle, which may feel gentle but don't achieve the job at hand as well as the durable Scott. Try it out and I guarantee you'll be thanking me someday.
Posted by: Jim | April 29, 2004 10:01 AM
i have to disagree with fair Jim on this one - Kaci went to price club last year and got a case of the Scott thinking it would be up to snuff (and cheaper in bulk!). it was not and we cursed each and every last one of those 24 rolls before returning to quilted, two-ply bliss.
Posted by: jamie | April 29, 2004 11:46 AM
has anyone out there used those rolls with aloe? the ones that feel like they've been smeared with mayonnaise?
Posted by: crispin | April 29, 2004 01:47 PM
I think lotion-y products do not belong on tp. It grosses me out the same way my Grandma Ruh's toliet seat does. It was one of those padded seats and it had a tear in it somewhere so whenever you sat down, it hissed at you. ugh. I need to go take a shower.
Posted by: the wife | April 29, 2004 03:31 PM
speaking of showers, i'm dreading a return to Columbus and the dreaded sulfur-smelling shower at the the in-laws place. that may deserve it's own entry when we get back next week.
Posted by: jamie | April 29, 2004 08:16 PM
yes, i was the purchaser of the pink roll! i got a big lecture about it from dan, too. i think it went, "when you buy toilet paper, do NOT bring home the cheap crap!"
Posted by: sarah | May 6, 2004 04:25 PM
Jamie, you are so wrong. Here's what says it all: Scott stays intact. Those softy brands turn into lint at the slightest friction. That's right, lint. Maybe y'all like having papery lint all over the place when you're doing your business. You can keep that lint to yourselves.
Posted by: Jim | May 6, 2004 07:47 PM