the shrewdness of apes

for the first time in almost 14 years, i think i am experiencing a return visit from my old nemesis: Poison Ivy. in my youth that pernicious weed, that insalubrious inflamer of the epidermis, that nefarious ruiner of summer was the annual price to pay for long days spent traipsing through woods and chasing errant baseballs into the underbrush. (don't get me wrong, i played video games and watched TV, too). i even got it so bad once in high school that i actually had to miss school for a couple days- it clustered on the backs of my knees and in my crotch to the point where it was one huge blob of blisters that eventually popped and oozed. i remember sitting around the house with napkins everywhere to try to keep from covering everything i touched with a slime trail. i eventually had to be put on an oral steroid that fucked so badly with my already roiling teenage hormones that my parents would find me crying in my room for no reason at all.

in 1993 i returned to college for my sophomore year with a rather mild case by my standards. i was back a few days before most of the rest of campus for reasons that i no longer remember, and by the time my roommate showed up, it was pretty much done with. i don't even remember what i did with those days to myself back in the halcyon days before the internet beckoned at every slack tide in the daily planner. the point of this is that that was the last time that i had poison ivy. after about 12 straight years of affliction, i managed to avoid it. this despite several backcountry camping trips in Shenandoah National Park, hikes in the woods, a summer spent as a counselor at a day camp, etc. for a while i thought that maybe my body had even built up a tolerance to it, learning that it was better to let sleeping histamines lie rather than endure a week or more of itching and furtive scratching.

so it was with some shock when i began scratching at the back of my leg yesterday, thinking that maybe i had become the victim of yet another mosquito bite (they've been particularly fond of me this year) when i started to feel multiple bumps close together in a pattern that was decidedly more regional. upon closer inspection, it appears to be confirmed: looks like i brought something else home from Fire Island besides a sunburn.

Posted by Jamie at 05:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

first in an occasional series.

Q: which NYC subway lines serve only 2 boroughs?

Continue reading "random trivia time" »

Posted by Jamie at 10:26 PM | Permalink

everyone who takes the subway everyday knows that it can be an aggravating experience. such is life, i suppose. for me it's gotten a little bit sunnier due to the new techology being used on the L train. after long-term service interruptions that pissed off North Brooklynites for months, they now have displays in the stations that tell you how long until the next train arrives. the displays still say they are being tested, but they've been relatively accurate in my observation. this works out great because i can use the info to decide whether it's worth waiting for the train for my trip between 1st Ave. and Union Square or heading back outside and jumping on a bus. today, for instance, i just missed a train but saw that the next one was only 3 minutes away. sure enough, the next train came cruising in as advertised.

that's one small step in the right direction, but i want to be in charge of the MTA some day, or at least in charge of the day-to-day operations, so that i can get to the bottom of some of the other annoyances. such as:

* why do trains sometimes wait in the station as a local/express train pulls in on the adjacent track, but other times shut their doors and take off without waiting? who is making that decision? i hate it when i'm pulling in on the express while the local is pulling out (especially during non-rush hours when you know the next train is at least 8 minutes away, if not 15-20). or when i nd up waiting on the platform for 3 minutes for another train to "make a connection".

* why are there certain spots where trains always seem to be going slowly? i'm not talking about when there's heavy train traffic, but like when you've waited for 10 minutes so you know there's no trains directly ahead of you, but you're stopping in tunnel anyway. or when you take the same route every day but you never seem to be going anywhere close to top speed. i noticed this a long time ago on trains that go over the Manhattan Bridge; they always seem to be ambling along instead of running. but why? you never get a specific answer. it's always "red signals" or something equally nebulous. lately, i've noticed the trains slowing between Union St. and Pacific St. on the R/M line in the mornings and between Pacific St. and Dekalb Ave. on any train in any direction. is it because of track curvature? track disrepair? the presence of homeless squatters living down there? anyone else have any areas that they notice trains consistently operating below what would be considered a "normal" speed?

* why can't they extend the G train to 4th Ave so that it can connect to the M/R at 9th St.? there's still a 3rd track at the 7th Ave. station that they could use to turn the G trains around (currently they use the "express" tracks at 4th Ave. for this purpose), and it would make a valuable connection between the lines. instead, you have to get on the F train and go one stop to Smith/9th Streets in order to get on the G, which is highly annoying.

* why do some weirdos decide to sit right next to you, even when there are plenty of other open seats around that won't result in an invasion of your personal space?

OK, that last one doesn't have an easy answer, but egotistical masochist that i am, i'm pretty sure i could fix the other stuff. or, at the very least, offer up some reasonable explanations. while i'm in fantasy world, i'd also get people to actually let passengers off the train before they push their way on and provide recycling bins for newspapers, bottles and cans.

(aside: anyone have a TimesSelect account I could borrow briefly? i wanted to pull a quote from a Sports column today, but couldn't access the digital version and didn't have the print version handy. thanks.)

Posted by Jamie at 11:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

back when t.s.o.a. was alive, i had an entry in which, challenged by the wife, i attempted to create a fake Metropolitan Diary entry that might have a chance to get published. i never submitted it, but apparently a similar idea was hatched on a radio show on WFMU last month. and then, as reported on WFMU's Beware of the Blog, a listener took the idea, ran with it and then actually got a fake anecdote published in today's paper. (note: it has since been pulled after the story got mentioned on Gawker and possibly elsewhere). while it's always fun to see the paper of record get the wool pulled over its eyes, a part of me feels kinda ripped off. of course, that just means i should have sent in my original bit at the time. it makes you wonder how many of all the other bits they publish are actually made up. can that many pretentiously witty stories really take place every year? probably. at least we have Overheard In New York to balance things out.

Posted by Jamie at 11:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

more updates coming eventually, and a re-tooling of the design may happen someday. for now, a Brooklyn magazine called Satya conducted an interview with me and a co-worker for their "NYC: People and Places" issue, and it's now online. i think it turned out pretty well. there's a number of other good interviews (i recommend the one with Simon Deng) and it's the last issue that will be available online its entirety, so enjoy it now.

Posted by Jamie at 09:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

with the preparation for and execution of a trip to the left coast, this space is on a bit of a break until early March. suggestions and/or advice for the Oregon Coast and points north can be made in the comments, if you haven't already e-mailed them (and thanks if you have!).

Posted by Jamie at 01:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

the Weather Channel's "Local on the 8s" forecast is the staid and safe choice when you want to know whether to wear a hat or pack an umbrella for the day. it's kid-tested, mother-approved, recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists, and according to Peter Travers of Rolling Stone, "if you only check one forecast this year, make it this one". plus you never have to wait more than 10 minutes for it (unless the tiresome "Storm Stories" is on), and they've even started including traffic information. as with anything deisgned to appeal to the broadest possible audience, the background music tends to be innocuously irritating smooth jazz or occasionally some funked-up Muzak. maybe some Vince Guaraldi around the holidays. you put up with it to get what you need, like listening to some inane conversation about their trip to Buffalo while in line at the DMV. so imagine the shock at hearing the opening riff of Devo's "Gut Feeling" over the display of the current conditions. perhaps the folks at TWC are trying to hip things up, if playing a 25+ year old song by a band of spuds from Akron can count as hip. perhaps the strains of "Psycho Killer" will accompany the next Winter Weather Advisory.

the Weather Channel and weather.com have long been the epicenter of weather coverage and information, creating their own world where it's all about reporters getting pummeled by wind and rain to get you a first hand look at whatever devastation nature is visiting upon some unfortunate outpost. really, how long until this fake article about Weather Channel Addiction becomes real? but for those with a craving for a real inside fix from the world of weather, then Weather Underground is the place to go. on the local forecast page, at the bottom of the Forecast for [Your Location Here] is a small unassuming link that says "Scientific Forecaster Discussion (NWS)". therein lies a treasure trove of machinations that go into creating the forecast, direct from the folks at the National Weather Service. as someone who got so sick of incorrect or too-sporadically-updated forecasts that i once started a spreadsheet to track the accuracy of forecasts made 1, 3, 5 and 10 days ahead of time, i find it highly engaging to read the internal dialogue that goes on between the meteorologists who are trying to combine multiple models and their own experience into something resembling accuracy. if the forecast is the table of contents, then this is the meaty part of the story where our heroes fight mother nature and Old Man Winter to safely deliver us from precipitation. some current highlights:

"Very difficult short term forecast on our hands for tonight inland as column temperatures waffle back and forth either side of the 0c line. There's really no telling at any exact point in time what type of precipitation will be falling and exactly where."

"Its hard to say whether or not accumulating snow will get into the coastal areas before the good forcing moves east. It may not snow...but think there could still be a period of sleet or ice by Tuesday evening even at the coast. The midnight shift will be able to look at the whole suite of 00z data and use them to make a better decision than I can at the moment (0230z)." (extreme nerdiness note: time indicated with a "z" refers to Greenwich Mean or "Zulu" Time).

oh the drama! will the snow fall mainly inland or will the coasts also get a dusting? can the midnight shift solve the puzzle before the freezing rain wreaks havoc on the evening commute? and what of the potential for flooding and coastal erosion? tune in tomorrow! i love the more personal touch that these discussions convey. so much more interesting than a 30% chance of rain on Friday or what have you. so if you're looking to learn what GFS stands for, or if you're dying to know what's going to happen when that ridge builds in behind the departing low, then this is the place for you.

as a final note, i also love the National Weather Service logo. i can't think of another government agency with anything quite like it.

bonus link: Google's first listing for "Local on the 8s" takes you to Weather Mario's forecast for the mushroom kingdom (warning: link contains automatic sound). Sonic has a page too.

Posted by Jamie at 12:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

some quick things as we re-start the assembly line here (i swear if one more person loses a finger, the insurance costs are going to ruin me):

* i've been terribly remiss in not mentioning that the wife has entered the world of online catharsis. true to family form, the updates are sporadic. at least the personal dirt on me has been kept to a minimum so far.

* speaking of the wife, she claims to have schmoozed her way to tickets to the first taping of The Colbert Report, Comedy Central's new follow-up to The Daily Show coming this fall. sweet.

* my calendar has now been marked for Sunday, October 2nd and the Fifth Annual International Pickle Day on Manhattan's Lower East Side. i've managed to miss this the past few years, but i look forward to taking in about 5000% of my USDA daily allowance of sodium on everything from pickled watermelon to kimchi. with any luck, i'll be able to snare some info to improve my own pickle making techniques (details to come in a future D.I.Y. entry).

* is anyone else enjoying the poo throwing between stalwart sports blog CSTB and Gawker-backed upstart Deadspin? granted it's been pretty one-sided so far, but Deadspin could really up the ante by asking into the friends circle of CSTB's MySpace profile. for the record, my take on Deadspin so far is that it suffers from the same blandness that can make Gothamist so tedious. which is too bad, because i have enjoyed much of Will Leitch's writing in the past.

Posted by Jamie at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i'm keenly aware of the stark lack of action in this space, but i think i'm just going to pretend that i'm European and thus getting a month off to enjoy the summer. with this year's baseball trip on the horizon and a bachelor party and wedding also upcoming, t.s.o.a. will be dark again until after Labor Day when we'll return with World Cup updates, D.I.Y. nonsense and hopefully more. until then, some random clutter to get out of my system:

* the t.s.o.a. household has a new member: an albino (also known as a Pink-eyed White) rat named Lulu that the wife inherited from a departing co-worker. her [the rat's] tail is a little creepy, but i have to admit that she is a kind of cute. still, it's hard to completely separate her from the disease-ridden brethren who routinely parade down the subway tracks and frolic in the mountains of refuse that blotch the sidewalks. i'm considering building her some sort of maze.

* for those wondering whatever happened to Dwight Schultz (Murdock from The A*Team), he appears to have carved out quite a niche for himself doing video game voices, including at least 21 of the voices in Everquest II.

check out a full array of Where Are They Now?s here

* having moved cross-country twice by the age of 10, i've seen a lot of the country and i've always wanted to be able to say that i've been to all 50 states. with a recent trip to Durango (another wedding) required flying into and out of Albuquerque, allowing me to cross New Mexico off the list. we flew through Dallas on the way back, so i could technically cross Texas off the list as well, but spending 2.5 hours in the airport playing Peanuts Uno doesn't quite seem like experiencing anything. Alaska and Hawaii will be on the list for a while, but other than the class of '59, i've only got Oklahoma, Montana, North and South Dakota to go.

* for those who haven't experienced air travel recently, i offer this anecdote: on the flight from ABQ to DFW, i was sitting behind a friend and his girlfriend, both of East Indian descent. they exude no foreigness outside of her British accent and the color of their skin (he was born in Kansas). halfway through the flight, the guy next to me - who had occasionally tried to make conversation when not chuckling while looking through the want ads - leans over and asks me "you want to ask them if they've got bombs in their shoes?" to which i could only reply "um, they're friends of mine. we're travelling together." he mumbled a half-hearted apology, and was quiet after that, except when he was spilling tortilla chip crumbs and Sprite on himself. i can only assume he was trying to figure out how he miscalculated the level of racism that my whiteness made acceptable to show. i almost wanted him to say something else so i could call him a jackass, but was mostly just happy to be able to read in peace thereafter.

* finally, in response to my May 15 entry regarding the Devil Rays and their flaccid "watch it happen" campaign, Seattle correspondent (and world-class "boo"er) nicole had this to say:

i had to write you in response to your entry about the devil rays and their
horrible tagline. for the record, i must inform you that the mariners are the
absolute WORST in this department (hmmm....maybe it's related to lou pinella).
please refer to the list below, a list so uninspiring it's no wonder the team has
been in a downward spiral for the past several years.

and this year's...."what a show!" the lack of creativity of this year's is only
bested by the bitter irony that one is subjected to when watching a game this
season (lost in 14 last nite after being one strike away from winning in the top of the 9th!). i can only hope that the crack team of monkeys on typewriters that
they have working behind the scenes are being well cared for, perhaps wearing
silly hats and smoking cigars.

i hope she doesn't mind me using this before i even respond to her message. hopefully i can use some of my "vacation" time to catch up on such small courtesies.

Posted by Jamie at 01:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

"We've arrived at the Ramada Inn in Quantico, Virginia and my father-in-law has already described the place as a 'shithole' twice before we check in. Domestic beer resides in the hand of every adult striding through or sitting in the lobby, and as we are introduced to a circle of veteran Marines swapping war stories (the real kind), I suddenly notice that I have started bleeding from a spot on my forearm for no discernible reason."

more stuff to follow as i endeavor to get back on some sort of moderately regular publishing schedule.

Posted by Jamie at 06:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

as the wife and i devoured a large pie from Totonno's this afternoon (obligatory made-up pretentious bourgeois yuppie comment: as we ate the wife kept looking at the unglamorous surroundings and the styrofoam plates and saying "at least the pizza is fantastic"), we got the news that a plane had crashed on the beach at Coney Island earlier in the day. the 4 people on board were killed, but fortunately no one on the ground as hit or hurt. the section of the beach where it happened was cordoned off, but some people were lined up to gawk and you could see the tail just sitting there. we're not the camera-carrying type so i didn't get any pictures but it was kind of surprising how much everything around there was simply business as usual. we had already ridden the Cyclone twice and walked around for a while without any indication of something amiss. i guess a plane wreck just isn't enough to hold the attention of most New Yorkers, especially among the colorful distractions of the boardwalk and Astroland. and that includes us, as we were soon back on Surf Ave. giggling as the disembodied voice from the bumper cars once again encouraged all passersby to "Bump, bump, bump, your ass off!".

Posted by Jamie at 07:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

this story dates from December so it's not terribly fresh, but that doesn't make it any less amusing:

Lithuania Discovers Belarussian Liquor Pipeline

Lithuanian border guards have unearthed a three-kilometer pipeline for smuggling in moonshine liquor from neighboring Belarus, Reuters reported on Friday.

It was the fourth such pipeline discovered in the last two years but by far the longest. Moonshine vodka from Belarus is sold on the black market in Lithuania, undercutting prices of legitimate alcohol that have risen sharply since the Baltic nation joined the European Union in May.

in other alcohol-related news, the recently completed merger between Molson and Coors wipes out yet another beverage choice. too bad, because i have always enjoyed a good hockey beer. anyone know any other good, readily available Canadian beers? i keep waiting for McAuslan to break into the US market, but no such luck so far.

Posted by Jamie at 11:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

four things that have sent me reeling recently:

* the bizarre revelation that a new co-worker recently had a date with the sometime-lesbian ex-girlfriend of my mostly-lesbian ex-girlfriend.

* the punishing toll of too many Hurricanes consumed in too short a period of time during this past weekend's Crawfish boil. the crawfish, and all the accoutrements (sausage, corn, potatoes), were quite good however, and sucking the head isn't as sktchy as it sounds.

* being referred to as an adult - by my friends no less.

* some brain-dead waste of fresh air calling Kaz Matsui a "gook" (and just about every Astro player as a "faggot") while youthlarge was sitting directly in front of him. a quick apology was enough to avoid a noisy confrontation, but not enough to erase the mental nausea that can be all too common at sporting events in New York, or anywhere for that matter. it was bad enough that the Mets seemed completely unprepared for 55,000 people to show up today; that it took 30 minutes just to get though the gate; that there was a 20-minute delay in the 6th inning because the advertisement in centerfield coldn't be made into the necessary black backdrop again; that the large gentleman next to me encroached onto my seat so much that i was forced to lean uncomfortable for 3+ hours; that there was no coffee by the 7th inning when the air temperature started to drop. hearing all that garbage was worse than the rest of it combined. there's a lot of dickheads in the world.

Posted by Jamie at 10:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

today's science lesson centers on tides, specifically the stronger spring tides that occur when the moon and sun align with the earth, thereby magnifying their gravitational effect on the ocean. they have nothing to do with the season of spring - which is too bad because for the second year in a row, winter will not release its icy grip on our collective (figurative) balls - and they are the opposite of neap tides which are weaker tides caused by sun and moon perpedicularity resulting in competing forces that weaken the tides.

this is relevant only because the East River was at the lowest point i've ever seen today as evidenced by the picture below left. normally you can't see anything above the water line, but today you could see the river floor in all its glory and the smell of sea and sulfur was particularly pungent. despite the smell and the significant quantities of junk that has been dumped over the years, the seagulls seemed pretty happy as they were out in record numbers eating up whatever it was that the ultra-low tide had unearthed (unwatered?).

taken ~ 2:15pm

in the image on the right, you can see the beach that has formed and is now a permanent spot that attracts sunbathers every summer (seriously). you can see the lines in the sand that demarcate some of the normal tidal extremes. today, it was big enough that it could have had 40-50 people out there.

learn more about tides or The Tyde.

Posted by Jamie at 06:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Dear Owner/Operator,

we regret to inform you that your attempts to attract our attention to your restaurant since we moved in over 6 months ago have been too successful. while a more restrained approach might have managed to put you into the mix of our occasional cheap Chinese take-out indulgences along with China Delight, Taste of Oriental and China One, your stubborn insistence on cluttering our entrance with menus at seemingly shrinking intervals has earned you a special place at the top of our "Do Not Order" list. sorry to say, but even a sudden reversal of tactic that resulted in our being subjected to zero additional passive-aggressive menu sales pitches would be unlikely to result in a change to our policy. all future missives from your restaurant will be roundly cursed and possibly ritually burned along with the other weekly circulars which constantly befoul our front stoop and raise our ire.

often by the time we reach the front door, our hands are full with briefcases, purses, grocery bags, mail and other items of great importance. anything hindering our attempts to get keys in locks and selves indoors is rightfully regarded as a nuisance. this is most assuredly not your intention, but therein lies the disconnect: i don't believe that you once considered our needs before sending your minions out to shove menus into every gate and gateway within a 12 block radius. it is either that, or you have grossly mis-estimated our needs by presuming that receiving the 15th copy of your menu would represent some sort of ego-sating milestone that we might celebrate by popping the cork on that special bottle we've been saving and ordering $50 worth of Dragon & Phoenix (A4, $9.00).

Continue reading "an open letter to Bo Bo Garden" »

Posted by Jamie at 07:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

* Steve Keene selling his art (even cheaper than through his website) from a small space in Williamsburg. For those so inclined, it's right around the corner from the Brooklyn Brewery on Wythe Ave. between N. 10th and N. 11th. open only on Saturday nd Sunday from 2pm - 6pm. for those unfamiliar, Keene produces paintings in bulk in a sort of "art for everyone" vein. he's done album covers for Pavement, Apples in Stereo and Silver Jews among others.

* Bingo in Park Slope. there's no website for the place, but this guy includes it in his catalog of businesses on 5th Avenue.

* Richard Linklater has made a movie out of "A Scanner Darkly" by Philip K. Dick. i'm not thrilled that Keanu Reeves and Winona Ryder are prominently involved, but i'm hoping that the great animation techniques in effect help to further distance the actors from the characters. i do wonder, though, if putting Robert Downey, Jr. in such close proximity to Woody Harrelson constitutes some sort of probation violation.

Posted by Jamie at 02:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

as we left the apartment this morning, some bloke walking by executed a farmer's blow onto the sidewalk. this sent the wife into hysterics about how disgusting that was, how people should know better, etc. i agree that i don't necessarily want to see someone rocketing snot right in front of me, but i contended that it wasn't nearly as offensive to me as someone littering or not picking up after their dog and that compared to some of the other things i've seen in this city, this paled in comparison. she said that it might be fine to do while playing sports but not as a casual thing, and had to end the conversation because she couldn't believe how little it bothered me. i don't know why, but it just didn't.

i am grateful, though, becuase this gave me an excuse to do some research on what this maneuver is called beyond "farmer's blow" which is what i grew up with. here's some of what i found (including a couple that could be categorized as offensive): snot rockets, bush oysters, bushman's blow, one-gun salute, hatching a hippie, South African nose blow, Jewish handkerchief (also Italian, Norwegian and Saskatchewan handkerchief).

Posted by Jamie at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show rolls over for a second night tonight with the final 3 "Best in Group" winners and the "Best in Show" to be handed out. the wife and i spent an hour or so on Sunday hanging around the Hotel Pennsylvania like a couple of weird dog show groupies, oohing and ahhing around the lobby, making small talk with breeders from Hicksville, USA and just generally waiting to see someone peeing on the floor. a large Husky (or possible a Malamute) jumped on me and scratched my nose and we saw some really sweet Mastiffs, some Great Danes with giant balls (this place was Bob Barker's worst nightmare), a couple of Vizslas that seemed totally ready to get it on and some Spuds McKenzie dogs (Bull Terriers) that made the wife go all goofy.

at any rate, last night's winner were: the Great Pyrenees (Working group); the Norfolk Terrier (Terrier group); the freaking Pekingese (Toy group); and the Tibetan Terrier (Non-Sporting group).

as for tonight, t.s.o.a. is pulling for the Vizsla in the Sporting group, the Coonhound in the Hound group (though you really can't go wrong with much there as far as i'm concerned), and the Australian Shepherd in the Herding group with the hopes that one of them or the Great Pyrenees will win it all.

dog owners and dog lovers looking for other televised entertainment would do well to search out The Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan on the National Geographic Channel. the guy is totally amazing: he can turn any unruly dog tame and obedient in a matter of minutes. i've totally been copping some of his techniques to use on our own dog, and the preliminary results have been really good, especially during our walks. for a much geekier pet-related TV experience, watch PetKeeping with Marc Morrone which tends to be on on Saturday or Sunday mornings in the NYC area.

**UPDATE** well, none of my dogs won but i was reasonably happy with the German Short-Haired Pointer that won best in show. also, today's Salon has an article on the Dog Whisperer which will give you an overview of what he's all about (caveat: you'll have to watch an ad to read it).

Posted by Jamie at 06:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

While cleaning up the comment spam on the site today, I took a couple minutes and went through all the e-mail spam received by my various accounts on Christmas Day. obviously there was no shortage of computers willing to work on a holiday. the breakdown by subject:

Pharmaceuticals - 17
General Merch - 8
Other Medical/Health - 8
Mortgages/Financial - 7
Bored Housewives (Porn) - 6
Software - 6
Free Merch - 5
Dating - 4
Cash Giveaways - 3
Fake Rolex - 3
General Porn - 3
Ink/Toner - 2
Green Cards - 2
Miscellaneous - 2
Viruses - 1
Diplomas - 1

Posted by Jamie at 02:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

sitting around with the wife, brother and sister-in-law over thanksgiving we started one of those word games that quickly spirals out of control leaving you unable to think about anything else for hours on end. the end result was a list of rap artists with names changed slightly to make them into animals. the overlords at McSweeney's apparently weren't partial to the genius of our submission, but that doesn't mean we can't still subject the world to it. observe:

The Hip-Hop Zoo

Arrested Develephant
Big Daddy Crane
De La Sole
Eazy-Eel
Emanemone
Ferrett Williams
The Fu-Chickens
Geto Kois
Gorilla Ice
Gnuru
Ice Bee
Jay-Zebra

Kanye West Highland Terrier (rastafied by about 10%)
Kool Mole Dee
Kurtis Blowfish
Ludafish
Luther Camel aka Fluke Skyywalker
Marky Shark and the Monkey Bunch
Moose Def
Mouse of Pain
Mussel Simmons
The Notorious P.I.G.
P. Kitty aka Puff Catty
P.M. Donkey
Prawndre 3000
Queen Lacheetah
Squid ‘N Play
Talib Quaili
Toucan Shakur
Tuna-Lôc
Wildebeestie Boys
Wu-Tang Clam
Young M.Seahorse

Posted by Jamie at 03:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

screw Canada, let's everyone move to the land of Guinness! from the Guardian via Salon.com:

Ireland is easily the best country in the world to inhabit, according to a quality-of-life survey that relegates Britain to a second-division ranking. The ambitious attempt to compare happiness around the world is based on the principle that wealth is not the only measure of human satisfaction.

Displayed on a notional scale of one to 10, rain-washed Ireland emerges with a gleaming top score of 8.33, well ahead of second-place Switzerland, which manages 8.07.

i think i'm starting to see it: lush, verdant landscapes, potatoes 36 ways, leprechauns delivering your mail....paradise. for the record, the US ranked 13th.

happy in life, happy in death

Posted by Jamie at 02:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

presenting t.s.o.a.'s cultural calendar:

get your lungs into shape: the annual Big Balloon Inflation for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is coming. (a quick aside from the description of the Ballon tour: "As an added convenience to families visiting the newly inflated balloons, Charmin Ultra® will provide the most fabulous public facilities on the Upper West Side. Located on the southwest corner of 77th Street and Columbus Avenue, these luxurious loos on wheels have all of the comforts of home, including hardwood floors, wallpaper and fully functional sinks." sounds like a good reason to hold it all day.) this year's lineup of lovable characters includes not only icons such as Charlie Brown and Mr. Monopoly (nee Rich Uncle Pennybags) but also corporate shills Jeeves and Cheesasaurus Rex.

dust off the ice skates: Kate Wollman Rink in Prospect Park opens November 17.

like opening grandpa's trunk in the attic: Looking at LIFE photography exhibit at the International Center of Photography (through November 28 - also featuring photos from Abu Ghraib and JFK's 1960 Presidential campaign).

it's not a sport if you can drink while playing: beer and bocce at Floyd, NY.

Posted by Jamie at 02:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

from the "terrorism can be fun" files (thanks to Rob for the e-mail). read past the jump for descriptions of the parts you can volunteer for:

Subject: A Golden Opportunity for Actors and Actresses!
Sent by: Mary Gropp on Tue, 02 Nov 2004 13:07:10 -0500

If you would like to participate, please contact Ballpark Operations at 410-547-6078, E-mail: smeriwet@oriolepark.com, Fax: 410-547-6270. There are 4 categories you may sign up for depending on your academy award aspirations. Below is an explanation of every opportunity as a volunteer. Please email Sarah Meriwether or call her with your choice once you have completed Please feel free to contact me for further information. Thank you again for all your help! GO BIRDS!

Continue reading "unleash your Master Thespian" »

Posted by Jamie at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

more from Open House New York 2003

interior, Soldiers adn Sailors Memorial Arch

Posted by Jamie at 04:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

a well-deserved long weekend has turned into a week full of transience, work-wise, thus the lack of recent posting. i ended up skipping the entirety of the OpenHouse New York stuff for work- and football-related reasons, but i'm glad some folks got out to some of the sites. when i went last year i took a bunch of pictures, numerous of which were supposed to be a part of my effort for the "Borrowed Camera" project. but Marc has had them for almost a year and never bothered to post them - i guess he likes the feet pictures too much - so he's lost his chance as i'm now putting them up here (also check out a couple of Dan's photos from this past weekend, one of which is very similar to the photo below right):

roof, Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Arch (Grand Army Plaza)

Posted by Jamie at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

i for one will not be watching the debates tonight. i think i've had enough politics for a little while. fans of suffrage, pennies and Hummers will have to cool their jets for now.

Posted by Jamie at 04:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

coming in a bit < 3 weeks we have the return of Open House New York (bearing the t.s.o.a. stamp of approval - available for your product/organization/event for a mere $150). this 2-day event - October 9-10 - opens up venues from around the City to everyday schlubs like you and me, letting us see parts of the city that might otherwise be inaccessible. last year i managed to get on the roof of the Soldiers and Sailors Memorial Arch, see the catacombs of Green-wood Cemetery, and walk around the abandoned smallpox hospital on Roosevelt Island. all 3 of those places are open again this year and recommended, and i'm currently trying to decide what else i want to make a trip to see. there's a lot of design-oriented stuff that doesn't do much for me, but on the short list are the High Line, the Pieter Claesen Wyckoff House (oldest house in New York), the Grand Lodge of Masons, the High Bridge Water Tower, the Little Red Lighthouse, the Hidden Harbor Tour, Governors Island, JFK Terminal Five, Socrates Sculpture Park and HSBC Bank building. if anyone else is interested in hitting Governors Island, talk to me as there are only 6 tours limited to 135 people each.

Posted by Jamie at 03:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i've been so busy sampling all the yummy drugs being hawked in the comments section of this site that i haven't been clear-headed enough to post anything. if only i had a Sidekick, i could compose a masterpiece or two during the inevitable rain-delayed commute coming tomorrow morning. but check back soon, as i'm sure something poignant will happen before long. and if not, there's a new project that's a few days away from unveiling. details to come.

Posted by Jamie at 06:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

interviews with the cast of Office Space, 5 years later. (link via the morning news)

Tom DeLay calls it "every bad stereotype about corporate America come true". i call it a clever and effective marketing strategy.

check out the lost bands of the new wave era. (link courtesy Chris M)

things of which i have no idea what to make #628: Little Elvis

and, finally, the entertaining and erudite Gregg Easterbrook and his column return to NFL.com.

Posted by Jamie at 05:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

when we woke up this morning, the kitchen was flooded due to a busted water heater and a reluctant drain in the laundry room. i will never live in a basement apartment again.

Posted by Jamie at 03:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

the money from the last settlement is long spent by now, so it was about time for another litigious wnidfall. this time it's PayPal bearing the brunt of the class-action crunch. i tried to wade through the legal mumbo jumbo, but all that got through was "unlawful...obstruction...account...did nothing wrong...submit form". but who cares as long as the check shows up right? i doubt it will be as large as the previous one, but if it covers the postage on the form you have to mail it will be worth it (and thanks to work covering my postage costs, i make money no matter what). to get in on the settlement score, you need to have had a PayPal account since at least February 2004. if so, go to this page and then click where it says "file a statutory damage claim". the site has been running a little slowly all afternoon so all the pages may not load, but be patient and soon you'll have a very small check headed your way.

Posted by Jamie at 04:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (19)

not to be banal, but can anyone believe the weather we've been having? as we've plowed our way through one seasonally cool, overcast day after another, t.s.o.a. has been going around crowing about how we haven't had a 90 degree day this summer. turns out that this is technically correct, but not the way it was meant. the only day above 90 so far this year was June 9th (hi of 91), which comes before the start of the official summer season, though most people would consider summer to have begun once Memorial Day passes. since the beginning of June, we've had more days in the 60s (4) here in NYC than we have in the 90s and as many days below 80 as above it. perhaps you remember the complaints from this past winter about how cold it was. but if this cool summer is at all related to the frigid winter, we might have to rethink all the kvetching.

now, there's still the whole month of August to get through, and it wont be easy to keep this up, but the current 10 day forecast calls for nothing but 80s so we all just might emerge unscathed from this summer yet.

*UPDATE 8/2, 12:40pm* - once again i've scooped the NYTimes. from today's weather page (not available online): "The lack of midsummer heat is especially notable in New York City.....For the first seven months of the year, Central Park had only one day with a temperature of at least 90 degrees. Only 1902 and 1960 had an equivalent lack of hot days." right on! now if we could just recreate the 1960 presidential election.

Posted by Jamie at 03:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

lest i be remiss, let me say thanks to the gracious fokls at The Black Table for opening up the Camp Bowery roof and firing up the grill this past weekend. it was quite the rip-roaring time (the free-flowing tequila may have had a hand in that). i managed to: hear a story about serving Paris Hilton cocktails in the Hamptons; plan a trip to Burning Man for Marc; unknowingly insult the editor of the NYPress (and find out that the NYSports Express is no more as of last week); follow the adventures of a couple of shirtless guys in their apartment across the street; apologize to Johan More for being such a hater a few years back.

all Friday nights should hope to be so productive. this coming week will try to compete as Listmaker and youthlarge spend their last night of official independence enjoying more barbecue and beer deliciousness. let's just hope that leftover (untapped) keg from our wedding is still drinkable. of course that's a highly realtive term to some people.

Posted by Jamie at 03:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

from the NYTimes' Richard Sandomir in an article about the expanded argumentativeness of sports talk on TV (reg. required):

You work all day, you call up Mike and the Mad Dog in the afternoon, you come home and you've got a mortgage to pay and kids to feed.

exactly. except for the calling Mike and the Mad Dog, mortgage and kids parts.

from Salon.com's Farhad Manjoo in an article on the overload of legitimate e-mail in our lives (ad watching required):

Why, most fundamentally, must we constantly work on our e-mail, vigilantly imposing our own schemes of order upon the incoming chaos, constantly guarding against getting behind, against the shame of e-mail bankruptcy?

this piece really hit home for me as someone who doesn't like to throw out old e-mails but who struggles to keep up with all the new ones on a daily basis. while Yahoo's decision to give its users 100MB for free is great in that it eliminates the worry of a large e-mail dropping in your inbox and resulting in undelivered messages, it also means more chance to hold onto things that i will later feel guilty about not having responded to (accoring to the article, that makes me an "archiver"). and as nice as getting away for a few days can be, it always leads to the increased stress of returning home or to work to find hundreds upon hundreds of messages piled up waiting for attention and action.

Posted by Jamie at 02:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

which country has the world's lowest literacy rate? Burkina Faso (formerly Upper Volta), at 18%
who was Catherine Parr? the sixth wife of Henry VIII
what is the the 4th most populous country? Indonesia
what is the semimetallic element with atomic number 5 on the periodic table? Boron
for what anniversary is sugar the traditional gift? the 6th
what state celebrates Leif Ericsson day each October 10th? Minnesota
how many furlongs are in 1 mile (nearest whole number)? 8
who is the last college football team to win back-to-back national championships? Nebraska (1994 and 1995)
What incumbent President finished 3rd in the election, garnering only 8 electoral votes? William H. Taft (1912)

meanwhile, Ken Jennings of Salt Lake City goes for his 29th straight win on Jeopardy today, most of which have been blowouts. he's won $920,960.

Posted by Jamie at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the thought of 4 more years of Bush has robbed me of any creative juice and has triggered an investigation into emigration to Canada. moral of the story: it's harder than you think. so for now i'll just consider ordering season 2 of the Kids in the Hall on DVD (w/ free t-shirt!). the Onion AV Club also has new interviews with the various Kids here and here.

Posted by Jamie at 04:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

thanks to all who made it, those who sent notes and those who were thinking of us. it was as great as we had hoped. we couldn't have been any luckier with the weather or the great people who we are proud to call our friends and family. when the biggest disappointments in a 7-day period are that you had to buy a $10 belt at Wal-Mart to complete your wedding outfit and that the line for the Millenium Force was too long to get on, you have to consider that time a rousing success.

and welcome to the new blog on the block. in your honor, here's an alphabetical list of things that i ate during a week in the Midwest: biscuits, bratwurst (w/ peppers & onions), bread, brownie, cantaloupe, coleslaw, corn dog, cucumbers, cupcake, eggs (deviled), eggs (scrambled), french fries, green beans, ham (glazed), hash browns, macaroni & cheese, omelette (Border Scramble), pasta salad, pickles, potato chips (barbecue & regular), pretzels, roast beef, salsa, Skittles (sour), tortilla chips. Doug may have summed it up best when he said "I've been in Marysville for 48 hours and I've had breakfast 7 times".

there's more to come, but for now it's time to continue catching up on the digital world - would it have killed everyone to take a break along with me? it's gonna be Friday before i feel up to speed.

Posted by Jamie at 03:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

in a place where the creeping expansion of Chinatown and the wildfire of the Gentrification Prefecture threaten to wipe out everything in their path, the wife and i spent one of the finest hours possible yesterday, all in the space of 1 block.

first up, a trip to The Pickle Guys on Essex Street to stock up for the wedding in order bring a taste of NYC to Ohio. the guys there are about the friendliest and most helpful you can find anywhere, letting you taste before you buy, steering you toward the best choices, and just generally being colorful. that they gave us two free t-shirts merely ensured that we'll be back very soon. besides the sublime pickles, i recommend trying the Giardiniera and the wife swears by the green tomatoes.

then it was around the corner to Grand Street and Kossar's Bialys, and old-school place if there ever was one (though even the old-school have websites these days). "spartan" is almost an understatement in here as a simple menu of bialys, bagels and bulkas greets you as the production facility to your right churns them out. and at $0.65 each ($1.25 for a large) you can't go wrong and they're good enough to eat plain.

as if that wasn't enough, we then discovered the Doughnut Plant a couple of doors down. using an old recipe with organic an unique ingredients, the doughnuts are big, extremely soft and exceedingly delicious. the censored version of our reaction upon tasting them was "forget Krispy Kreme!!" the fresh apricot doughnut i had was so good that the $2 price tag seemed like a bargain. the wife had one made with a Japanese herb that was also mouth-meltingly fantastic and our high quality beverages (fresh strawberry lemonade and organic iced coffee respectively, both also $2) were just the glazing on the doughnut.

happy and satisfied on such a gorgeous day, we were ready to brave the cavalcade of sights and smells back to the subway. any time i think i might want to leave New York, a return trip here should be enough to convince me otherwise.

Posted by Jamie at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

have you heard of this before? the candiru? aka the "vampire fish of Brazil"? team t.s.o.a. physician Neal recently came back from Peru bringing back some llama leather and a great story involving Ayahuasca (in which an orgy and cows both play central roles...you'll have to hear him tell it). while he was there he traveled some Amazonian tributaries by boat and when he started talking about the local wildlife. as he talked about all the things to be afraid of he started describing a fish and i knew right away it had to be the Candiru. i'll let this description speak for itself:

It is feared by the natives because it is attracted to urine or blood, and if the bather is nude it will swim into an orifice (the anus, vagina or even - in the case of the smaller specimens - the penis and deeper through the urethra). It then erects its spine and begins to feed on the blood and body tissue just as it would from the gills of a fish. The candiru is then almost impossible to remove except through an operation, usually involving the amputation of the area. A more expensive option is the use of two plants, the Xagua plant (Genipa americana) and the Buitach apple which are inserted (or their extract in the case of tight spaces) into the affected area. These two plants together will kill and then dissolve the fish. More often, the pain causes shock and death in the victim before it can be removed.

[shudder]

now onto something fun. while searching for "llama leather" i came across this site featuring the neckerchief and caption pictured below which struck me as hilarious for some reason:

"Use on your llama, alpaca, or donkey that is for sale. Put on while at shows or public events to let people know what is for sale. Screen printed on cordura with Velcro strap for attaching around neck. Small for alpacas and large for llamas and minis."

that's a good way to end the week. we now return to our previously scheduled hiatus, already in progress....

Posted by Jamie at 06:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

while skimming a story last week about a 9/11 survivor who was awarded $8.6M, some words caught my zig-zagging eyes. turns our her lawyer was named Guy I. Smiley leading me to believe that his parents were either big Sesame Street fans or high on peyote when he was born. then i found a picture of him and his firm's homepage and he obviously predates the character, so the origin remains a bit of a mystery. in any event, he can obviously be trusted to handle your legal heavy lifting should you find yourself the victim of medical malpractice or governmental climactic negligence.

while we're talking about Muppets, does anyone know why no channels are showing reruns of The Muppet Show? Disney seems like the likely culprit, but couldn't Trio slap down a couple million and show an episode a night? it's gotta be better than this Cop Rock thing they're wasting time with.

Posted by Jamie at 03:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

while it's hard not to be excited for the long weekend, today's a bit sad since this is the first time this decade that i won't be heading to the Outer Banks for Memorial Day weekend to pile into a house with 15-25 other folks for some good-natured mayhem. i just got off the phone with the few who are still going and i'm really jealous - no lazing by the pool; no riding the waves of slightly chilly Atlantic Ocean; no golf cart races; no grilling; no huge group meals; no pajama day; no pool tables; no refrigerators bursting with bottles; no giant containes of cheez balls; no puzzles; no marathon games of India Rails.

i'm gonna miss it, but at least there's a fun wedding taking its place. and i'll be back next year, as long as the whole place hasn't been wiped off the map.

Posted by Jamie at 04:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

last night, the wife and i came home from the local pub to something curious. sitting on the couch, near the crack between the cushions was...well what was it? it was about 5 inches long, an inch thick and tubular, and closer inspection revealed it to be composed of >50% hair. dog hair. our dog wagged expectantly (he had to pee) as we looked at each other and wondered where on earth this...this....monstrosity could have emanated from. amidst the hair was a good amount of gunk - what we could only assume was digested proteins and the like. but it wasn't shit. it was like a hairball, only really, really long. could he have really coughed such a thing up? how long had it been inside him, slowly building up? what did it look like when he did it? is it any wonder he's been so wheezy and pseudo-asthmatic? he must feel like a new man. i should have taken a picture to post, but fortunately the wife decided to preserve it in a Ziploc to take to the vet, so the chance has not been lost. but great googly-moogly it's giving me the chills just thinking about it.

Posted by Jamie at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Posted by Jamie at 02:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

next Wednesday and Thursday are supposed to be sunny and pleasant. time for some outdoor happy hour action. Soda anyone?

Posted by Jamie at 01:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

thanks to Donovan for the tip off about tonight's stop on Found Magazine's "Slapdance Across America" tour. i was hoping to make it but can't (but you might see Janelle), so it was heartening to see that they will be back in Brooklyn on September 23rd. consider it penciled in.

in the coming soon department, May 22nd is the Brooklyn Pigfest at the Brooklyn Brewery. looks a lot like the menu for our upcoming wedding, if only we could afford to feed 120 people with free range Niman Ranch pigs.

down the road, Open House New York is returning on October 9-10 this year to reveal the "unseen New York" once again. last year i managed to make it to the catacombs of Green-Wood Cemetery, the roof of Grand Army Plaza, and the smallpox hospital on Roosevelt Island before catching Game 3 of the ALCS and it was great time. they promise a more diverse array of sites this year, so there should be no shortage of cool sites to investigate.

Posted by Jamie at 04:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

people are still using Friendster? i got a new friend request from someone today, so i guess they must be. shouldn't i shun them just on general principle?

Posted by Jamie at 04:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Nobody says you have to act like a deacon. Just don't be a sleazeball.

Cary Tennis is easily the best advice columnist going these days. Well worth having to wade through today's advertisement to read the whole thing (and you can check out all the archives for free once you're in).

Posted by Jamie at 03:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

more mother's day gift ideas, if your mother happens to be Sinead O'Connor or a retired former Knick: the headblade scalp razor. for a hairless head, every time.

link via Cool Tools

Posted by Jamie at 04:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Balgavy.com progenitor Marc was recently agog over the possibilities that the melding of TV, DVRs and computers holds for his baseball fandom. it got me to thinking, and the other day during a cab ride home, a similar train of thought seeped in to my brain. with the advent of OnStar and satellite navigation, i should be able to get into a cab, give my address to the driver and have him punch it into an onboard computer (or enter it myself) which then gives him directions to where i live. this eliminates the constant "ok, go about 7 or 8 blocks and make a left" that is especially prevalent for those of us in the outer boroughs. meanwhile, now that the cab knows where it's going, it can give me an estimate on what the fare will be and ask me if i'd like to swipe a credit or debit card to pay for the trip - maybe it even offers me the chance to tell it how much i would like to tip the driver (either in actual $$ or as a percent of the fare). that would allow for more time to divvy up the fare between friends and saves time at the end as the need to fish for your wallet, calculate 15% and wait for your change is eliminated. all in all, a smoother process where everybody wins.

anyone out there with the cash to make these visions a reaility? VC checks for either Marc or me can be made out to "Balgavy.com Enterprises".

Posted by Jamie at 04:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

over the weekend, my reliability as a source of weather knowledge was called into question when discussing the relative humidity in New York City vs. Washington D.C. my assertion that there was little to no difference between the two cities was dismissed out of hand by numerous parties including the wife (who, y'know, never actually lived in DC most of her life or anything), who said that New York was clearly less humid. well the results are in, thanks to the good folks at the BBC, and while DC averages 3-5 degrees warmer most of the time, the average relative humidity for each place is within 1-2% points in the a.m., while NYC vaults into the lead in the p.m. by 6-8% points throughout the year. i don't know what this vindication earns me other than a scornful look when i walk through the door this evening, but i felt the public must be informed. when my family moved from the dry air of Utah to Maryland about 20 years ago, i'll never forget how it felt to emerge into the thick, fetid DC air for the first time. it was difficult to breathe and it seemed to be about 8 million degrees - it certainly didn't seem feasible that so many people could live under such conditions.

while i'm on the subject, Gothamist has a weather-related blog now. i don't know how long they can come up with material besides the daily forecast, but for now i still prefer the NYTimes print edition weather page with its fun charts and graphs and the 100 daily words on some phenomenon or other.

Posted by Jamie at 01:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

well it's April 14th, so i hope everyone has their taxes done. this is the first year i've ever not done mine myself, as the wife and i dropped ours off last weekend. i don't want to cast aspersions, but this accountant (found through a friend) seemed to be operating in some gray-market area of the income tax field. the office where we met him was in this weird Brooklyn storefront with a bunch of 20 year-old office furniture and some dying potted plants. he was in the back, down the wood-paneled hallway in a cluttered office that may or may not have had a secret exit. but he was quick and efficient and we're getting a nice chunk of change back all told, so no complaints.

all this was sort of long way of getting to talking about the really odd part of that day. as we walked along Quentin Rd. in South Brooklyn back towards the subway, we noticed a tree full of green and blue parakeets - at least 10 or 20 of them. it certainly seemed out of place, even in this relatively suburban part of the city. i had noticed a number of large nests populating the power lines above the sidewalk on the way there, and it then dawned on me that there was a colony of these birds that lived in the entrance gate to Green-Wood Cemetery. further digg