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November 17, 2004

dead letter office #17

it's been a while since i've run one of these found items. if you're new to them you can read the first one for an explanation of where they come from. today's item (un-edited by me) pits an obvious language barrier against some possibly confusing transaction policies:

Dear Mr/Mrs,

Hope you will be fine and in good health. Nearly month ago I went to internet and looking for online ticket and I purchased an online ticket from hotwire because they send me confirmation email on 03-15-04 (shown in my email account on page 7), which is attached with my letter. Now I received a statement, which shows that price line also charged me $150.65 dollars. I gave them a call and they initially told me that they send me confirmation email but when I gave them a proof then price line guys told me that you did not read our terms and conditions, which shows that “do not rely on price line confirmation emails”. I bought a ticket from hotwire as they send me confirmation email. And I never expect from price line that they will also charge me without any reason. Along with that I am not very well versed with computer but I know that I gave them all my information and cellular phone etc. I would be grateful to you if you consider this matter seriously and refund $150.65 dollars back to my account. I am sending you copy of bank statement of last month, a proof emails which I received from the last three months and also the confirmation email from hotwire.

Regards

Posted by Jamie at 04:04 PM | | Comments (1)

October 05, 2004

dead picture office

GoodbyeDH.jpg
goodbye Dyker Heights (51 days later)

Posted by Jamie at 01:52 PM | | Comments (0)

August 25, 2004

dead letter office #16

get your tickets now for the FOUND magazine tour, coming back to NYC 9/23-9/25 for 5 shows (link via the real janelle).

now, back to the random notebook that turned up during the recent move. this time we get a song. or a poem. hard to tell:

Now I can't go without my fix
I need it each and every day
It's in the shape of many things
Like animals and ships from space

Jello
Jello

When I run out
I get dangerous
Beat the cat up
It's a big mess
Call me stupid
And outrageous
I'll throw Cool Whip
In your faces

Butterscotch
French Vanilla
Lemon Lime
Tapioca
[unintelligible]

It may sound strange
But I confess. I can't
Decide which I like best
I eat all day, and dream
all night About the Jelloman
in tights

Jello

The doctor says I can't be
Cured, I wouldn't want to anyway
I've got no teeth, Don't be
Concerned, I just eat
Jello anyway

Chorus [arrow pointing down]
The Bill Cosby

Posted by Jamie at 01:30 PM | | Comments (5)

August 16, 2004

dead letter office #15

it was a long weekend of moving (thank you Marc, Jim, Dan), and now there's a short week of work before a medium length vacation. but before t.s.o.a. closes up shop for a week or so, we will do, as the French might say, "juste assez pour passer". to that end, please welcome the return of the dead letter office series, brought on by the discovery of a notebook that seemingly belonged to a college acquaintance. i don't know how i came into possession of such a thing, but i did and it's full of random class notes, half-formed thoughts and other detritus such as this:

Life
Hanglide
Mary
Have kids
See Europe
Manage people
Race a car
Fly a Plane

Ten Years
See Europe
get married
Work in Radio
Hang glide
See America

Three years
graduate
get a job
work in Radio
Become Financially stable
Travel - see America

die 30 days
See America
Write something
Record something
Hang glide

hmmmm, it's been about 10 years. perhaps i should track him down and see how many of the things on his list have been accomplished.

Posted by Jamie at 04:53 PM | | Comments (3)

August 10, 2004

search query = ?

iTunes gets philosophical:

can i kick it?
what's the #?
what will you do when your suntan fades?
should a cloud replace a compass?
is it me or is it cold?
are you a hypnotist??
what in the world?
is that a rifle when it rains?
was it a lie?
did it play?
what difference does it make?
where is our reason?
which side are you on, colonel?
who shot mr. burns?
oh god, where are you now?
don't you wonder how it ends?

Posted by Jamie at 06:12 PM | | Comments (1)

May 17, 2004

requiem #2

i'll let someone else handle this one:

"thanks again for the phonecall with the news. it's been a weird weekend processing it all and such. we had a little eulogy for him in the house, reminiscing about all his nonsense and tearing up with laughter. it is horribly tragic and bizarre but he was such a crazy person it's hard to not focus on the joys of knowing him instead of just getting bummed out. unlike anyone i have ever met or ever will again."

be careful out there, kids.

Posted by Jamie at 09:46 AM | | Comments (0)

May 07, 2004

requiem

sometimes things don't work out how we've planned. sometimes we don't know why things happen as they do. sometimes the abject lack of control we have over events, over our own existence, can be horribly frustrating and terrifying. viewed from our individual perspectives, the world isn't fair, not one bit, as it sets out to attack us systematically and for that you have my deepest sympathies. if i could change the system, i would and i hope you're doing OK.

none of this is new or revelatory, but it was on my mind. i shouldn't have watched ER last night.

Posted by Jamie at 12:41 PM | | Comments (1)

March 31, 2004

dead letter office #14

this letter is highly confusing, yet oddly compelling. all those who have been pestering me to make this blog more nautical can now back off. names and e-mail addresses have been altered. ahoy...

Dear Darren,

Re-reading your letter and am glad to see that you are finally building your boat. My own boat the sampan is at a standstill. After finishing the yawl boat for the Clearwater, working 10 – 12 hour days and weekends, I fell into a lull and couldn’t get out of it. And then I started working on the computer, learning how to use it and the internet and also writing a grant proposal from which we received $8 000. We are now building a 5’4” hollowed, carved model of the gig complete with thwarts, oars, masts, sails etc and maybe two scaled figures, one seated in rowing position and another standing. A display base with folding handle and removable 6” wheels on the bottom and plexiglass cover for transportation is in the plans too. I’m using Spanish cedar for everything; nice carving wood.

We have 5 students in two groups coming over three days a week, one during the school day and the other after school. They are good students and I hope they will form the core group as we accept more students. I hope to have adult volunteers and eventually apprentices in the future.

We will start the molds for the gig soon. I’m wondering if i should loft? Lofting familiarize everybody with the different components, myself included as it has been almost 9 years since I’ve worked on a gig and 7 since I last saw one up close. It has been 9 years, Dario, since I was an apprentice and you were my teacher and the gig was my first project. Lots of salt water under the bridge, huh? I just turned 40 by the way to answer your question, Dec 20. The alternative is to just draw the molds, stem and transom/stern post full-scale which will save us a lot of time. The original plan was to have the gig ready for AC 2002 in Rockland, but we will not be able to make the deadline with the boat. We will still raise money to send as many of our kids as possible to the contest but will have to use one of the existing boats.

We have also hired an Executive Director, Charles Thompson. He was very involved with Outward Bound, North Carolina and met Lance there and participated in AC ’96 in Ireland. A good man to have. He lives on board his 34’ sloop in Jersey City with his wife. I went up to Portland, Maine to help them sail the boat down to NYC in Nov, very cold, and had to motor most of the way. I was thinking of your passage thru the same waters with Kim and Simplicity. I later met somebody by the name of Joey Santiago whom Lance and I have been in touch with, with the potential of having him work with us at the E R A’shop. He told me that he was at Woods Hole, Buzzard’s Bay, on the same day we were, helping his friends sail their boat up to Maine, from guess where? Wayno’s shop in upstate NY. David Lovering was the owner’s name I think and it was a Colin Archer type boat. Wasn’t that the boat that was there when you had Simplicity hauled out? After motoring thru Hell Gate in Manhattan, I am amazed how you motored Simplicity thru it with that little outboard you had on the inflatable! We were fishtailing all over the place. Did you go thru on the slack tide?

We still need a lot of money and a piece of expensive NYC waterfront property donated, which will mean more money needed to build the boat shop and a bigger program. Come spring we will be borrowing a gig from the A’shop, maybe Communaute, or from Cape Cod; they have two gigs built already and use only one. That way we can get our sailing program started and work with more kids which is good for fund-raising. It will also be good for the morale too, mine included. I need to finish my boat to go sailing but the space that we are in is very depressing, especially after 6pm or weekends. Another reason why I haven’t gotten back to my boat. The space is provided free, though, by another non-profit.

So as you can see, Jim wasn’t stretching the truth too much about the new A’shop. Let’s see how this unfolds.

Haven’t seen Kim yet since her return. Spoke to her once, will have to call her again. Jim how they are doing with Mitch gone; Are Marty and Dana still there? Also that Ken D St F is headed to Ireland? to run an apprenticeshop? Do you know anything about that? He told me he asked you to take the job. Kim tells me Ken is a totally different person. That is good to hear. I regret many things I’ve done and one of them is my abusive vulgar tirade at him. I hope I can apologize to him one day.

I think some of the Smithsonian’s plans are listed on the net, not all. That is the case with Mystic’s plans. I’ll check for you, it’s something that interests me too. My cousin just moved to D.C. and I hope to visit them and the Smith.
I have been doing a little bit of preliminary designing – a 33’ junk-bowed junk yawl with plumb ends and low-profile pilothouse. Will send you the plans when I finish them. I’ve also designed a couple of planes – a pivoting, compassing rabbet plane and a true low-angle block plane where the blade is attached onto the bottom back half of the plane body, making contact with the wood stock, and thus the cutting angle is only the bevel of the blade, 25 - 30º, instead of 37 – 42º of a 12º block plane. Will send you the drawings or prototypes if I get them made.

Well dear friend, hope you had a good holiday; did you go see family? Mine has been very quiet. You’d probably be back at work in the new year. Here’s to a good new year and a speedy completion to both our boats. Maybe we’ll meet halfway in the middle of the Atlantic……

I even have an email address now – fungusamongus@yahoo.com. Let me know if you have one or access to one; many, like yahoo are free.

Best wishes,
F.B.
12/29

Posted by Jamie at 01:21 PM | | Comments (0)

March 24, 2004

dead letter office #13

with baseball - and perhaps more importantly *fantasy* baseball - season approaching, here's a piece that i wrote last fall. the first line was written by my friend BillM and served as the jumping off point for the story. the rest speaks for itself.

[slightly edited for taste and clarity]

> just don't forget about the bullpens - you never know what might happen.

prophetic words from a man who has seen his share of fantasy league battles. allow me to indulge a bit and paint yesterday's scene from my life for you:

i have been in fantasy baseball leagues since 1989. for those scoring at home, that means this was the 15th year of my fantasy baseball existence. the rest of my fantasy life shall remain private, but suffice to say, there are over 25 teams that i have captained in that time.

and i have never won it all. not once, not even tied, nothing. i have been in first place, but never on the final day. the past few years have been littered with 2nd place finishes, five or six in all, but i still could not get my name on a trophy.

Continue reading "dead letter office #13" »

Posted by Jamie at 11:28 AM | | Comments (0)

March 18, 2004

dead letter office #12

we've been a little distracted and busy this week so we didn't sort through our stock of found writing to find something worth posting. there were few complaints but the call of duty sounded nonetheless so we will point you, treasured readers, to a wonderful site called the Royal Journal of Found Art. as the name suggests they post ephemera found in the street, on trains, in apartments with an emphasis on written notes. there's a lot of funny (escort service phone #s on the back of a business card) and interesting (flier concerning an international kidnapping syndicate) pieces within so it makes a nifty little time waster or window into the human soul, depending on how "deep" you're feeling.

Posted by Jamie at 02:26 PM | | Comments (1)

March 10, 2004

dead letter office #11

we have to own up to being the culprit of this week's entry. this was part of some essay or another that never got finished. poignant existentialism or inveterate navel-gazing?

Sometimes life is just like an extremely long run-on sentence in the all-encompassing book of life where the further you get into it the more abstract and convoluted it seems what with all the subordinate clauses and participles and before you maybe even realize what’s going on you’re stuck in the middle of it with all these words swirling around you and though you’re aware that they mean something you start to lose focus and commence to wondering if you can even remember what this chapter is about let alone the entire book at this point and sure you can go back and re-read parts later to try to parse them out but if you didn’t figure them out at first then I’m not sure what makes you think that you’ll have any better luck the second time around especially when even if you do manage to clear a few things up that’s no guarantee that it’s going to be any easier to understand the parts coming up and anyway if you get too stuck on re-reading and you start to think that it’s all coming into focus you’re only going to be blindsided by the plot twist lurking a chapter or two away and really isn’t there some dirt under your fingernails that needs attention?

Posted by Jamie at 05:57 PM | | Comments (1)

March 03, 2004

dead letter office #10

it's a busy week here in t.s.o.a. land. thankfully, wednesday is DLO day. here's a relic from 10 years ago that speaks to the anything-to-avoid-work mentality of college. "hey, let's predict who will die in the coming year!" not many entries were submitted, but here's one from a person who, from what we hear, is recently engaged. note that many of these people are still alive and were likely the product of some gray-area morality whereby the picker may have secretly hoped that their choices come true to fulfill some sort of control fantasy while building an "i'm not wishing for anyone to actually die" facade around their soul.

Death Picks 1994

1. Rose Kennedy
2. Catherine Scorsese
3. Jack Palance
4. Bob Hope (we Hope)
5. George Burns – gets kicked in head by skinheads
6. Keith Richards – falls down flight of stairs
7. Frank Sinatra – gunned down in front of popular restaurant
8. J.D. Salinger
9. Marlon Brando
10. Milton Berle
11. Jimmy Stewart
12. Charlton Heston
13. Ronald Reagan
14. Carol Channing
15. Johnny Cash
16. Barbara Billingsley – gunned down in front of popular restaurant
17. Buddy Hackett
18. Cab Calloway
19. Jerry Lee Lewis
20. Leona Helmsley

Surprise Picks

1. Crispin Glover – drug overdose
2. Michael Jackson – cause of death never determined
3. Macauley Culkin
4. Perry Farrell

Signed November 21, 1993

Posted by Jamie at 06:51 PM | | Comments (0)

February 25, 2004

dead letter office #9

into the semi-lurid world of office politics. about a year ago, the behavior of some employees resulted in a stern series of warnings related to sexual harrassment being handed down by management. this may have been a remnant of that, although based on the first sentence, it may have been wirtten by Popeye. names were changed to match that theme.

September 15, 2003

On Friday, September 12th, 2003 I was sitting at me desk and the conference room door was closed at 12:30 pm. I heard someone on the speaker phone through the conference room door. Then I noticed that the voice was Brutus’ voice….He was telling the person a lot of lies about me…I opened the door and there was Olive Oyl, Swee'pea, and Wimpy. Wimpy had called Brutus at home and had him on speaker phone so that Swee'pea and Olive Oyl could here the horrible stuff that Brutus was saying about me….which are all lies…I want this documented because I would never bring my personal business to work…Brutus is friends with Wimpy and thought that he was having a private conversation with him. I would never jeopardize my job by intiating such a thing.

Thank you.

bonus trivia: did you know that Popeye is "known as Iron Arm in Italy, Karl Alfred in Sweden and Skipper Skraek or 'Terror of the Sea' in Denmark"? also, "Popeye-brand canned spinach [is] the No. 2 brand behind Del Monte". tip o' the pipe to the King Features site.

Posted by Jamie at 01:13 PM | | Comments (1)

February 18, 2004

dead letter office #8

a blast from the past courtesy of some recent cleaning. i don't remember what official duties Mr. and Mrs. Madison may have had, but I'm sure they were largely ceremonial. they weren't brokering any peace talks with UVA. at any rate, one day a guy in a dinosaur costume showed up and started handing out fliers. below is the transcript of each side (there was some random clip art and words like "digital orgasm" on it too, but i didn't bother to scan it).

“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family!”

That may be the motto of my dear brother, Barney the Dinosaur, but my motto deals with a much different type of luuuuvv and reveals why they call me BUMPO The Dinosaur:

“I Love you, you love me, Now let’s Both get what we need!!”

Yep, that’s right, me and all of my 14 inches of pre-historic love know exactly what you need, and I’m more than willing to give it to ya. You may be asking “Yeah, sure, you talk a good game Bumpo, but can I believe it?” Honey, lemme just say this, had I been around 10,000 years ago instead of my poor ancestors, there would have never been and Ice-Age because things would have been SO HOT!! They don’t call me Bumpo for nothing!

Even though my reputation is known far and wide in the civilized world, unfortunately, it hasn’t reached this part of the country yet. That’s why I’m not on the ballot for Mr. Madison. Help rekindle those JMU flames of passion that went out so long ago. Don’t vote for some wet sock. WRITE IN BUMPO AND CHRIS FOR MR. AND MRS. MADISON RIGHT NOW!!!!

-------

My name is Chris and these people want you to vote for me as Ms. Madison, but I am not on the ballot. I am fairly qualified. But I am in class. So call 433-XXXX. Please elect me as your Ms. Madison by joining our write in campaign.

alas, bumpo and chris were defeated and forced to return to their unassuming lives as film projectionists and radio djs. i'm sure chris pulled a fair number of prank calls for her trouble.

Posted by Jamie at 05:18 PM | | Comments (2)

February 11, 2004

dead letter office #7

wherein a young scholar (name changed) learns the value of imdb. to learn more about this series click here.

My Reaction Paper
By: X-topher Yates

Marlee Matlin
marlee.jpg
American Sign Language class

I chose to write about Marlee Matlin She was born in 1964 in Morton Grove, Illinois. She had two loving parents. At the age of 18 months she came down with a bad fever that caused her to become deaf in both ears. At seven she became interested in performing arts. She began to act when she was seven. Her first role in a play at seven was the role of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. She later became a successful actress acting in such film as For Children of a Lesser God, Bridge to Silence, The Linguini Incident, The Man in the Golden Mask, The Player, Hear No Evil, Against Her Will: The Carrie Buck Story, It’s My Party, Dead Silence, When Justice fails, In Her Defense, Freak City, Where the Truth Lies, and Kiss My Act. She also appeared in 17 T.V. shows such as Reasonable Doubt, Seinfeld, Adventures in Wonderland, Picket Fences, Outer Limits, Sweet Justice, People in Motion, The Larry Sanders Show, Spin City, Puzzle Place, ER, Chicken Soup for the Soul, Judging Amy, Blues Clues on Nickelodeon, The Practice, Gideon’s Crossing and The West Wing.

In 1993, Marlee was married to Kevin Grandalski, a police officer in Los Angeles, Ca. In 1996, Marlee and Kevin had a baby girl, Sarah Rose. She is currently living a very happy life.

My Reaction to Marlee Matlin’s life is that even though she had disabilities with her hearing, she accomplished more than a lot of people and that spoke to me a lot. It shows that anyone can do whatever they set their mind to do. Not only was she talented but she also is a hot looking woman. She shows real character. She has accomplished a lot, received many awards, and is a very successful woman.

well, whether or not you agree that she is a "hot looking woman," that really has nothing to do with the rest of the last paragraph. unless by "character" he means "hooters". but the best piece of info about Ms. Matlin that he left out has to be this gem: "Was married in Henry Winkler's (the Fonz's) backyard." !!!!

Posted by Jamie at 06:22 PM | | Comments (1)

January 28, 2004

dead letter office #5

by popular demand, our skit writer returns for another educational tour de force. (for an explanation of where these come from click here):

Lead Poisoning Skit

ACT I

Pb: Hi, how are you? What’s your name?

Baby: My name is Baby. What’s yours?

Pb: I’m Lead a.k.a. Pb.

Baby: Where are you from? Where do you live?

Pb: Well, I live all over the place. I try to get around you know!

Baby: So where do you live? What do you mean everywhere?

Pb: Like for example, I really like to live in dirt, not sand too much but I
really like dirt.

Baby: In dirt?!

Pb: Yeah man, dirt is the best, but I also like to live in paint, but for
some reason people don’t want me to live in paint.

Baby: Oh, so you’re That Lead. I heard about you! My mother told me about you. She said I should stay away from you.

Pb: Why did she say that?

Baby: Well she said that you’re not good for my health. She said that you could be causing me problems and I could not know about it and that makes you dangerous.

Pb: Well that’s true but....

Baby: That’s why I don’t chip paint off the wall, and I don’t eat it. My mother cleans the house really good because you could be in the dust....and come to think of it you really do live everywhere! You really are all over the place, Wow.

ACT II

[Baby goes to drink water from the faucet. He turns on the water.]

Pb: What up Baby? How you been?

Baby: Oh my God, you scared me! What are you doing in the water?

Pb: Well I told you I live everywhere!

Baby: But in the water too?

Pb: Well really I live in the pipes, but every so often I get into the water.

Baby: So that means that you also get into my body if I drink the water, right?!

Pb: Yup, once you drink the water, I stay in your body for a while and then I get into your bones, and nobody can tell.

Baby: What if I told my Mom, then she would know!

Pb: She wouldn’t really know until she took you to the doctor and had your blood tested.

Baby: Are you serious, they’d have to take my blood?

Pb: YUP!

Baby: Well, I’m not afraid of needles so it’s okay. Pb do you know that you got one of my friends sick?

Pb: Really, which one? What happened to him?

Baby: Well it’s a girl, Maria and weren’t in the water but in the window. She was always tired, she would get upset for no reason and she lost a lot of weight and she couldn’t sleep or go to the bathroon.

Pb: Yeah, that was me, I do all of those things. I can’t deny it!

Baby: You’re so mean, Maria is okay but her mother takes her to the doctor a lot and she wishes she didn’t have to go. Where are you going now? You better stay away because I don’t want to get sick.

[END]

i love that lead is referred to by its chemical symbol and that we get some more backstory on the whole Maria situation. but i think the real surprise for me was at the beginning of ACT II when we find out that Baby is a boy. does that mean this is supposed to be an actual infant? or a more mature male named "Baby"?

Posted by Jamie at 12:24 PM | | Comments (2)

January 21, 2004

dead letter office #4

a play in one act. i can't confirm if this off-off broadway piece was actually ever performed, but its raw energy and power speak for themselves.

Power Skit

Scene: Erick is visiting Maria.

Maria: Well Erick this is my house. Let me show you around. This is the kitchen.

Erick: Why do you have a TV in the kitchen and why are the lights on?

Maria: My mother likes to watch TV in here and we always leave the light on in here to scare the roaches.

Erick: That is so ghetto but I understand, but why don’t you just use some Raid or bug spray for the roaches, cause you’re just wasting electricity by leaving the light on.

Maria: Yeah but we don’t pay for electricity in the Projects, so it doesn’t matter to us that much.

Erick: But that’s not right, I mean didn’t you here about what was happening in California with the power supply, imagine that starts to happen in New York City.

Maria: That could never happen in New York City! Especially here in Queens, cause we have so many power plants.

Erick: People also said that something like what happened with the World Trade Center could never happen in New York City and look at what happened!

Maria: I guess you have a point, but anyway let me show you the rest of my apartment.

Erick: Alright, go ahead.

Maria: This is the living room, hey we can listen to music here later and watch TV too.

Erick: Yeah that sounds good, I brought some CDs. But I don’t think we should watch TV and listen to the stereo at the same time, that’s wasting energy.

Maria: Alright Captain Planet, we’ll just listen to music!

Erick: No need to get defensive, I’m trying to help you out.

Maria: Did you hear me when I told you that my mother doesn’t pay for electricity?

Erick: So basically you don’t care? That’s what you’re telling me.

Maria: No, it’s just that it’s not such a big deal to me.

Discussion with class about Maria’s attitude and Erick’s concern.

[curtain]

Posted by Jamie at 02:15 PM | | Comments (4)

January 12, 2004

dead letter office #3

wherein a young boy must make a life-altering choice. his name has been changed. spelling, grammar and sentence structure are the authors.

AUTOBIOGRAPH OF MARCUZ

I was attending Junoior High Scholl when something changed the way I think. I was in the Eight Grade and in a few mounths I would be graduating and moving on to high school.

It was spring brake and my friends and I were going out having a lot of fun enjoying every minute of it. One Saturday I was in my kitchen when a knife was on the counter which I accidentally hit and it feel strait toward my feet. My foot was bleading a lot stoped after I tied it up. I though that it was just a little cut but it turned out that I had to andergo surgery for my foot because I was unable to move my big toe.

School opened on the Monday and I was walking normally. Two weeks after I went to the doctor and he said I had to undergo surgery in order to be able to move my big toe. I undergo surgery in the next few days. I had a cast on from my toes up to the bottom of my kness.

I had already missed school for one mounth and the doctor said that I have to wait another six weeks to take off the cast I kept the cat on for two weeks and had to make a decision which will deturmine my future. Which is to stay at home with the cast on and be one year behind in school or take the cast off and attend school. Well I chose to cut the cast off myself and attend school.

The decision made a big change in my life in which I had to choise my health or school. I really don’t know if my foot is OK, my toe works like normal but I need to go to a doctor to find out if it is really OK.

so i'm confused - why couldn't he have worn the cast *and* gone to school? i remember kids in casts and on crutches pretty often during my schooling. do kids still sign other kids casts? or are those who have suffered accidents merely objects of derision now? at any rate, i'm definitely not buying the "i accidentally hit the knife and it cut my foot" story. the fact that 13 year-old boys on spring break are prominently featured makes me wonder what kind of knife games they were playing.

Posted by Jamie at 12:54 PM | | Comments (4)

January 06, 2004

dead letter office #2

another in the series of letters and documents i have found on my company's file server. i doubt anything else i post will be as emotionally charged as the first one but they should be entertaining. again, all original grammar and punctuation has been left intact, and all non-celebrity names have been changed:

July 21, 2003

Dear Mr. Travolta

My name is Miguel and I am a huge fan of yours ever since Welcome Back Kotter. I think you are a very talented actor and ive seen every movie you have done and they are all great !!

Mr. Travolta, I was wondering if I could have you sign my DVD cover from your latest release, BASIC.. I thought that movie was so good. I loved the ending but I immediately had to watch it again because just like Pulp Fiction it left me Stuck!! I love it when a movie is not predictable..

I understand that you are a very busy man so if you cannot sign it I will totally understand but PLEASE, could you send back my cover so I don’t have the movie without it.

Mr. Travolta, I really hope to hear from you soon and I hope that you and your family are in the best of health..

Thanks in advance,

Miguel Concepcion
Bronx, NY

Home phone # 1-718-XXX-XXXX

Posted by Jamie at 12:05 PM | | Comments (2)

December 23, 2003

dead letter office #1

so i finally got around to re-updating the style sheet here, so everything more or less looks like the way i originally set it up.   things will definitely be gathering steam after the new year.

at any rate, this will be the first in a series of found items to be posted in this space.   since i am the (very underpaid) IT department in the office, i have the run of the file server.   this can have practical applications like finding files that list everyone's salaries, and it can also lead to tragicomic gold like this piece i found recently while cleaning up some old folders.   all names have been changed as necessary, and some formatting changes were made* but other than that i've left the writing alone.

"Donald:

I can’t believe you – you send me a letter to go fuck myself you have some nerve.   I’m just so upset with you I don’t know what to say or don’t even feel like talking to you anymore.   You can’t make a simple decision your friends or your wife and daughter.   You hesitate giving me an answer I have nothing but been there for you all these years and you keep shitting on me how dare you.

I love you – am I have more then proven myself in every way of our marriage – all you know how to be is mean and I feel very sorry for.

You’re the type of person that only remembers someone only when you need them otherwise you can do without them.   Marriage is not about that it’s about loving that person to the end, caring, being understanding and no secrets behind each other backs.

I’ve love you actually all my life – but you insist of letting other people get in between our relationship.   I’ve been second best to everything in your life.   The bars, women, alcohol, pot, staying out for days, your friends, cars.   Even your fucking job.

I’m sending copies of all your letters you wrote me.   All you know how to do is lie and break your promises – make excuses for the bad things and blame me for everything.

You tell me you’re going to hit me if you were next to me.   You need counseling – yes you do.   Now you can read your letter how you told me if it will take the rest of my life I’m going to make everything up to you.   I’ve been there, I’ve kept my word as much as I could.   But you need help - I will not go back to the same shit that upset in the past you need to look into to head and soul really deep.   And finally without playing me – tell me what you want from me.   I really have to know.   No bullshitting if you’re unhappy being married tell me don’t lead me on with promises of how wonderful things are gonna be and how good you’ll be to me when you come home.

I getting tired of your insane games.   My heart aches every day and you’re not even being fair to God – he has to listen to my tears and I’m sure there’s a lot of people who need his help.

I have so much in my heart, my head and my soul.   But I’m tired explaining myself to a grown man that doesn’t want to do anything with his life except hang out all his life.

I want a man that wants to be there and want and love his family.   I want a husband that loves, faithful, I trust, hardworking, caring, romantic, great in bed, sensitive, respectful, a good father, someone who thinks I’m his everything.

That he doesn’t need anyone because I’m his strength.   Just like he should be mine.   My partner, my friend, and my lover, my protector.

I thought when you started doing this time we were going to make it – now I’m confused and with the things you’ve said already.   Maybe I won’t be strong enough to make – because I’m not going to work, raise my family, get stuck in the woods to listen to ungrateful man on the phone.

These are my feelings so they are not bullshit."

* for some reason the original file was in Excel which, as you may know, isn't designed for writing.   so it took a bit of effort to get it into a usable state.   it was also in all caps, which is highly annoying because there's not a simple command to rectify it.

Posted by Jamie at 05:53 PM | | Comments (2)