the shrewdness of apes

dear NFL Network,

i understand that you're not thrilled that there are lots of people who can't see the games you broadcast on Thursday nights due to your ongoing dispute with several cable companies, including the tools at Time Warner. i understand that you want me to take my indignation and shout it from the rooftops - that it is my American, god-given right to have every football game played on earth sent directly into my living room; that i am missing hilarious beer commercials and vital promotions for video games featuring life-like hitting and swaggering. i may think your demands are ridiculous and that your network is 99% superfluous, but i understand your point of view.

and the i see that you're offering a live stream of the game via nfl.com, and i think "hey, maybe these jizzheads have a heart after all. maybe they do want to placate fans." and then the fantasy falls apart because i log on and even though the game is in progress, i am instead taken to the studio for the mindless blather of a bunch of overpaid talking suppositories. if you're not going to show some portions of the game, can you explain why? i would understand if you were showing me more ads to boost your revenue or making a pitch for me to call my cable company right there, but instead you're just wasting a lot of time and bandwidth.

instead you're giving me extended analysis in the studio from douchenozzles like Solomon Wilcots (why?). or you're showing me a fluff piece about Brett Favre (because there's not enough of *those*). or you're giving me a sideline report from (not that) Randy Moss - while the game is going on behind him! i can almost make out what is happening! then you cut away to show me highlights of the game - most of which i have miraculously seen to this point - and we miss a kickoff return for a TD!!! at this point i want your ass on a platter. but what i really want, the reason i actually am sitting here frying my testicles with a laptop, is to just see...the...freaking...game. i would be watching it on TV if i could. i would be out in a bar supporting our tanking economy except i don't get paid until tomorrow and i spent my last $20 picking up laundry (you're welcome, economy).

so, in closing, smell you later, get bent, a pox on you, eat shit and die, you get the idea. i've gotta go do the dishes.