the shrewdness of apes

after some warm-ups yesterday in the form of Bulgaria/Sweden and Romania/Netherlands it was time for today's main course: Mexico vs. USA from Mexico City. armed with some black bean dip and some beer from Vermont, i was joined by t.s.o.a. correspondent La Chima. since it was showng on ESPN2, we knew the announcers would be of questionable quality, but it wouldn't matter if the US could finally break through with the first ever win in the altitude of the Mexican capital.

the starting lineup was about as expected, though neither of us had ever heard of (Olney, MD native) Oguchi Onyewu who was filling in on defense for Eddie Pope. the ghost of Claudio Reyna also managed to be healthy enough to take a midfield position, much to the chagrin of La Chima who chided him for doing little yet somehow aways earning praise as a guy who does the things that don't show up in the box score (which in soccer is just about everything), but as i pointed out "that captain's arm band ain't gonna wear itself". this led to an extended digression on Tony Meola and the possibility that he might be accessorizing his outfit of sweatpants with his own armband while watching the game at home in New Jersey.

if you're wondering why i'm not talking about the game yet, well, it turned into a major disappointment. while the first 30 minutes were relatively even and well played, the US defense got sucked into a black hole over the next few minutes as Mexico had their way with the ball inside the box. how the US, with only 1 striker and very little offensive push to that point, could get caught with their pants down for 2 goals in 3 minutes is just shameful. unmarked Mexicans were as prevalent as anti-US sentiment in the stands.

despite the two goal deficit, the US never seemed to develop any sense of urgency on offense. what limited counterattack the US could mount was not helped by poor passing and ball-handling. attacks down the flanks (and the dangerous crossing balls that come with them) were nonexistant, and the fact that Mexico was called for 9 offsides to 0 for the US tells you all you need to know about who was pushing the ball forward. the Americans did manage to put it all together for about 10 minutes in the second half, which resulted in a goal by Eddie Lewis that seemed to put Mexico on the ropes for a bit. that momentum shift soon passed however, and even some offense-for-defense substitutions late in the game could not create any good chances to equalize. meanwhile, the Mexicans were still putting pressure on the US goal, and Kasey Keller had to make at least two really beautiful saves to keep the deficit at just one goal.

we were of the opinion that the US played like complete crap, and were astounded that the announcers had nothing negative to say during or after the match about the performance. La Chima claimed that this was endemic of all soccer coverage in this country, where it seems as though the pundits are afraid to be critical of the team and Coach Bruce Arena for fear that the few fans out there might abandon the sport altogether. i think Arena deserves a bit of a pass, as he has managed to bring the team to international prominence, but there's not enough blame to go around after a game like that. the loss puts the US in a tie for 3rd place with Costa Rica in the CONCACAF qualifying region in which 3 teams will advance (and a fourth will have a chance as well) heading into Wednesday night's game against Guatemala, which becomes much more critical now. anything less than a win and the mild panic created by today's fiasco may turn into a full-blown psychotic episode.

Posted by Jamie at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

thanks to some mail addressed to a previous occupant, i found the perfect outlet for all that latent aggression that i've recently been wasting on the morons clogging up New York City's highways and biways: Skirmish USA's paintball in the Poconos! to quote from the brochure in all of its prosaic glory...

"For the last 10 years paintball has been the fastest growing sport in the world, because it's fun and exciting. Its become so popular because people like you play it, ejoy it and come back. You will too. The adrenaline high, running around in the woods, doo to door village assaults, hunting and being hunted, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat; it's all there and easy to do any day of the week....You arrive in the morning and are home that evening. In between you're a warrior, fighting for survival. From castles to towns to woods to forts, we have the battlefields to test you."

hello, corporate teambuilding! no, seriously. unfortunately, we've missed The Battle of Stalingrad (the Germans won), but have no fear because the D-Day re-enactment is right around the corner.

behind the scenes at Fort Skirmish

don't forget to hire their photographer to take pictures of your memorable day as well. and for those wondering "what's it like to be shot with a paintball?" the answer is apparently "[i]t's not gunna send you to the hospital, but it's NO Kiss on the cheek either!"

flex if you love paintball!

Posted by Jamie at 01:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

it's a rivalry almost as lopsided as Red Sox - Yankees although it may be known to only a handful of dedicated rooters. but it does represent the 3rd most common matchup in NCAA tournament history and it happens again tonight. it's the Utah Runnin' Utes versus the Kentucky Wildcats, and though Utah can always lord it over Kentucky that they (Utah) won an NCAA basketball championship 4 years before Kentucky ever did, in head-to-head action Kentucky has ruled the roost in this battle of schols representing states with negative stereotypes (who do you pull for, the polygamists or the hillbillys?).

where has this rivalry come from? is it just random chance? has the selection committee made it a point to put the teams in position to clash? and if so, why? consider the history since 1993 (much thanks to whoever runs the Bracketville site from where much of this info came):

1993 - Kentucky polishes the floor with the boys from Salt Lake in a second round matchup 83-62.
1994 - nothin' doin'.
1995 - the teams are placed on opposite sides of the bracket; Kentucky in its customary #1 seed, and Utah at a more beatable #4. they get nowhere close to playing each other. bonus Utah note: Ogden-based #14 seed Weber St. shocks Michigan St. in the first round but loses out on a potential battle with Kentucky when they fall to Georgetown at the buzzer.
1996 - a Sweet 16 matchup is anything but as Kentucky pounds Utah as flat as the old Bonneville lake bed 101-70.
1997 - the teams are the #1 and #2 seeds in the West regional and the hicks topped the Mormons by the eerily prescient score of 78-69 in the regional final.
1998 - the ultimate showdown. Kentucky survived scares from Duke and Stanford to make the final, while the Utes cruised past Arizona and powered past UNC. Utah led by 10 points at halftime, but was powerless to stop the 'Cats onslaught in the 2nd half, eventually losing 78-69. future NBAers in this game included Nazr Mohammed, Jamaal Magloire, Andre Miller and Michael Doleac.
1999 - the 'Cats and Utes get the #2 and #3 seeds in the midwest, but their impending collision is derailed by the Szcerbiak led Cinderellas of Miami (Ohio), wo knock off Utah 66-58 in the 2nd round.
2000 - the two teams snag the #5 (Kentucky) and #8 (Utah) seeds in the Midwest bracket, but the anticipated matchup never materialzes when they lose their 2nd round games to Syracuse and Michigan St. repsectively.
2001 - Utah fails to qualify, though Utah State does pull a 1st round upset over Ohio State.
2002 - the teams are actually seeded on opposite sides of the bracket. Utah loses to eventual finalist Indiana in the 1st round, while Kentucky loses to eventual champion Maryland in the Sweet 16.
2003 - In the 2nd round, Kentucky crushes the 9th seeded Utes 74-54.

that makes for 5 games over a 11-12 year period - all won by the Wildcats - with a few more games that could have happened had the teams won another game or two. tonight they tip off at 9:40pm for the right to play the winner of the Duke-Michigan State game. can the Utes finally break through? they've looked good thus far and this is a pretty non-descript Kentucky team, so i'm going to take the 4.5 points.

Posted by Jamie at 06:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

NYC area radio listeners should keep their ears peeled for a relatively new ad from a company called Intelligent Energy. they're guaranteeing rates for natural gas for 3 years, but that's not why the spot is interesting (in fact, that would be why the spot is deathly boring). my ears pricked up once they announced the phone number: 877-I'VEGOTGAS. while it got my attention, i'm not sure if it did so for the wrong reasons, at least as far as they're concered. call me juvenile - it wouldn't be the first time - but i about crashed the car laughing when i heard it and the convulsions only got more intense with the jingle at the end. in it, a disembodied caucasian female voice instructs you to call "1-877 I've......Got GAS!" in such a perky, unexpected way that it couldn't be any more perfect.

Posted by Jamie at 03:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

don't want to step on Wisdom Weasel's toes with a piece of history on the weekend, but this bit isn't date specific and deals with fascism as opposed to communism, so i'll assume its different enough.

a couple weeks ago, a visiting friend saw the wife's copy of Gray's Anatomy on the shelf and made a comment regarding its possible origins in the atrocities of the Holocaust, with Jews being used as the (sometimes live) models for the drawings within. i thought it was interesting and potentially horrifying, so i decided to see what the internet might hold in the way of information, or at least wild speculation. from what I can find, Gray's Anatomy actually goes back to the 19th century and has been fairly strictly created by Brits and Americans with no apparent connection of it to the Holocaust. however, there is another anatomy book that does fit the bill, created in the 1940s by a Dr. Eduard Pernkopf of the University of Vienna, and in which some of the bodies used in its creation were almost certainly Jews who perished at the hands of Nazis. Pernkopf himself was a rabid Nazi. the story is pretty fascinating, as partially taken from this transcript of a radio show from 5 years ago:

Max Kamien: On October 1st 1998, the Vice Chancellor of the University of Vienna held a press conference to table a report about the origin of bodies used by Professor Eduard Pernkopf in the Department of Anatomy between 1938 and 1945 in the preparation of colour illustrations for his world famous anatomy atlas. The report documented a minimum of 1,377 bodies sent from the Gestapo execution chamber in Vienna to Pernkopf's Department of Anatomy and the exploitation of brains of children murdered at the Vienna psychiatric hospital.

What led this once prestigious university to confront this darkest chapter in its long history? It began with an oral surgeon in New York.

Before an operation, Dr Howard Israel often consulted his 1963 Pernkopf Anatomical Atlas. But it was only in 1995 that he learned of Pernkopf's Nazi past. Dr Israel went back to an earlier 1943 edition and was horrified to find the title page covered in swastikas and the double lightning bolt insignia of the SS. In the preface, Pernkopf attributes the production of the atlas to the 'happy conjunction of brilliant illustrators and the ready supply of bodies of executed criminals.'

It turned out that only 8% of the 1,377 bodies assigned to the Department of Anatomy were Jewish. Most were Austrians, and their 'crimes' were disobedience towards the Nazi regime, the illegal slaughter of animals, listening to the BBC, or trading on the black market. Whatever their so-called crimes or their racial origins, these people were murdered and their bodies exploited by Professor Eduard Pernkopf.

Posted by Jamie at 01:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

today's science lesson centers on tides, specifically the stronger spring tides that occur when the moon and sun align with the earth, thereby magnifying their gravitational effect on the ocean. they have nothing to do with the season of spring - which is too bad because for the second year in a row, winter will not release its icy grip on our collective (figurative) balls - and they are the opposite of neap tides which are weaker tides caused by sun and moon perpedicularity resulting in competing forces that weaken the tides.

this is relevant only because the East River was at the lowest point i've ever seen today as evidenced by the picture below left. normally you can't see anything above the water line, but today you could see the river floor in all its glory and the smell of sea and sulfur was particularly pungent. despite the smell and the significant quantities of junk that has been dumped over the years, the seagulls seemed pretty happy as they were out in record numbers eating up whatever it was that the ultra-low tide had unearthed (unwatered?).

taken ~ 2:15pm

in the image on the right, you can see the beach that has formed and is now a permanent spot that attracts sunbathers every summer (seriously). you can see the lines in the sand that demarcate some of the normal tidal extremes. today, it was big enough that it could have had 40-50 people out there.

learn more about tides or The Tyde.

Posted by Jamie at 06:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

i haven't done this before probably because i haven't been able to listen before, but anyone with access to a computer on a Sunday night should check out DJ Audible - the official brother of t.s.o.a. - on Radio Free Brattleboro from 9-11pm. you're bound to hear anything from Sergio Mendes to Arcade Fire, and that's just the last 5 minutes.

also, don't believe what the site says - you can use iTunes to listen without having to download Winamp or Audion. it will simply open up through your Library instead of through the "Radio" source and it will stay in your Library thereafter, ready to be accessed whenever.

Posted by Jamie at 09:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Dear Owner/Operator,

we regret to inform you that your attempts to attract our attention to your restaurant since we moved in over 6 months ago have been too successful. while a more restrained approach might have managed to put you into the mix of our occasional cheap Chinese take-out indulgences along with China Delight, Taste of Oriental and China One, your stubborn insistence on cluttering our entrance with menus at seemingly shrinking intervals has earned you a special place at the top of our "Do Not Order" list. sorry to say, but even a sudden reversal of tactic that resulted in our being subjected to zero additional passive-aggressive menu sales pitches would be unlikely to result in a change to our policy. all future missives from your restaurant will be roundly cursed and possibly ritually burned along with the other weekly circulars which constantly befoul our front stoop and raise our ire.

often by the time we reach the front door, our hands are full with briefcases, purses, grocery bags, mail and other items of great importance. anything hindering our attempts to get keys in locks and selves indoors is rightfully regarded as a nuisance. this is most assuredly not your intention, but therein lies the disconnect: i don't believe that you once considered our needs before sending your minions out to shove menus into every gate and gateway within a 12 block radius. it is either that, or you have grossly mis-estimated our needs by presuming that receiving the 15th copy of your menu would represent some sort of ego-sating milestone that we might celebrate by popping the cork on that special bottle we've been saving and ordering $50 worth of Dragon & Phoenix (A4, $9.00).

certainly we understand that the competition for your share of the low-budget Chinese Food market is fierce to say the least. we have received menus from numerous of your competitors (of which there seems to be one every block or two, all with similar if not identical menus), and though we'd like to assume that everyone is playing by the book, perhaps there are turf battles taking place right under our noses with operatives sneaking in under cover of night to add MSG to the garlic sauce and change the grammar on the menu. it does appear that you have succumbed - as many before you have - to adding things like Fried Chicken Wings (H2, $2.00) and French Fries (H14, $1.00) to the other 250+ items on you menu. we can only assume that this ploy has been less than successful in increasing your profit margin and that raising your prices or simplifying your menu are not options given the climate of competition.

maybe you simply had too many menus printed and now you do not know what to do with them. maybe you gave the job to your slow cousin and he added a 0 to your order of 1,000 and the boxes are cluttering the walk-in cooler making it hard to get to the Chow Fun (54-59, $3.25-$7.25) when the dinner rush is in full swing. maybe someone convinced you that the "saturation bombing" technique of marketing was guaranteed to increase business. maybe you are a perfectionist who insists on issuing new versions each time a spelling mistake is corrected. regardless of the problem, we resent being a part of the solution. we recommend that you simply view them as a sunk cost which you could dispose of yourself (or better yet, recycle) and find something better to do with the money you're paying whatever unfortunate individual you are sending out on the littering tour of the neighborhood. or, i just had another idea! perhaps you could expand your delivery area. the car pictured on your menu looks pretty reliable, so i'm sure it could handle the extra few miles per night that it would accrue in the service of your bottom line. that would open up entire new blocks that might take a kinder view to receiving your menu (once or twice) and help you make up the business that your current tactics are costing you.

at any rate, we will reiterate that from this point forward, we will be forgoing the epicurian delight that is your Roast Pork w. Oyster Sauce (86, $3.75/$6.25) from this point forward. and while we won't be actively wishing or campaigning for the demise of Bo Bo Garden, you'll have to forgive us if we encourage our dog to whiz in the general vicinity of your (we're sure health-department-compliant) restaurant.

Posted by Jamie at 07:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Flak Magazine runs down all the numerous sports satire sites out there, and some of them are actually funny. the Athletic Reporter contributed this humorous piece, of which i have excerpted the first paragraph:

NEW YORK - Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig attempted to prove this week that he is serious about removing the stain that steroids have left on the game, announcing that the 1998 National League MVP Award will be retroactively given to former Cubs second baseman Mickey Morandini. "We've determined it to be highly likely," Selig announced, "that all 23 players who finished ahead of Morandini in the MVP voting in were using steroids."

there's also a piece that references Wonderfalls (possibly funny to some). meantime, check out the Flak print version, now priced to move at $5.

Posted by Jamie at 10:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)