the shrewdness of apes

many of you are aware of the ridiculous and shameful events that transpired over the weekend in the sports world, mainly the fight that took place between Ron Artest, his teammates and the greater Detroit Metro area. now he was provoked, but to say that justifies his actions (and those of his teammates) would be the same as saying you are justified in stabbing me after i flicked your ear. it's easy to get caught up and wonder how something like this could have happened and what is wrong with today's players. but i remember watching as a 4 year-old as the Boston Bruins climbed into the stands at Madison Square Garden after fans threw things at them, threatened them, etc. the image of Mike Milbury beating a man with his own shoe will forever be etched in my brain. and Listmaker set me straight over the weekend on the fact that it's not just recently that fans have caused problems at events like these. but it does seem like it's gotten worse. or at the very least that it hasn't gotten better, which is truly terrible. to some degree i think it's indicative of Abu Ghraib syndrome - the dehumanizing of adversaries to the point that you feel justified acting in malicious and unacceptable ways.

and does race play a factor? you'd think in a league like the NBA that it wouldn't, but then you have to consider the recent outrage over the Terrell Owens/Desperate Housewives promo that has heavy racial overtones as well as the beyond words abomination that was the Spanish fans' actions during a recent "friendly" football match with England and the disparate treatment of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens despite similar dispositions, abilities, ages and strange aging patterns and you start to realize that for as much as racism has receded into the background it still has a thirst for the spotlight. it makes it very hard to want to be a fan when you have to be lumped in with the pod people who, to put it in elementary school terms, "ruin it for everyone else". it's hard enough to be associated with the lowlifes sporting the "Jeter Swallows" shirts, so in the spirit of tilting at windmills, this is my manifesto for being a fan:

* booing, yelling and heckling are integral parts of the fun of a game, but be creative and mix it up - nothing is worse than hearing "you suck" shouted for 2 hours.

* if your taunting of opponents stems merely from your disppointment and frustration with your own life, take your pathetic ass outside.

* if you can't keep it clean when there are kids in earshot, you don't deserve your ticket.

* the presence of an opposing fan in your general vicinity is not a challenge to your manhood.

* if your feelings about a specific player are in any way colored by race or sexual orientation (presumed or otherwise), then *you* are the asshole. if you put those feelings into words, i can't stop you but i can root for you to get hit by a bus, i mean pray for your evil soul.

* if a loss by your team is enough to make you want to fight somebody -anybody - then you sound like a good candidate for shock therapy and/or a lobotomy (provided you haven't already had one).

* that $6 beer is going to do you a lot more good if you drink it rather than hurl it at a player. ditto that $3 soda and $4 box of popcorn. why not just start flinging poo, you missing link waste of stem cells?

* bored? not really there for the game? most stadiums and arenas come equipped with a wide variety of expensive time wasters. do not, under any circumstances, try to start "the Wave" (and god bless the St. Paul Saints for outlawing it).

feel free to submit anything else you'd like to see here - it's a work in progress.