the shrewdness of apes

one story that's been rather quiet what with all the fighting and electoral fraud is how the onslaught of hurricanes this fall decimated Florida's tomato production resulting in prices that have tripled in the past few months, leading to this hilarious tidbit:

McDonald's says it could implement rolling blackouts of salsa at its mexican style Chipotle chain.

no word on whether there will also be brownouts (redouts?) of ketchup and BBQ sauce. does McDonald's actually put a slice of tomato on any of it's sandwiches? outside of the McDLT, i can't think of one that has it. which is too bad because it's the one thing they could serve you that might serve to counteract the havoc that the rest of their menu can play on your body.

still, none of this explains the price hike at Crif Dogs where the prices listed on the website have all been raised by $0.25-0.50 despite the fact that most of the offerings are tomato-free. as a result, today's lunch ended up being a bit pricier than anticipated, and that was without having one of their newly offered beers. now an inflation in pizza prices would make sense, though Slice has been quiet on the subject. perhaps that's because very few parlors actually use fresh tomatoes, opting instead for the canned versions that are more resistant to price fluctuations.

Posted by Jamie at 06:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

before heading off for the bucolic splendor of Vermont and the palatial HQ of the official brother of t.s.o.a., a couple quick things:

in the 70s, the Washington Post took down Nixon. now they subject us to this. you'll have to click through because it's so horrible that i can't even discuss how much it pains me. seriously, we're headed for another civil war.

on the bright side, the wife and i watched the documentary about They Might be Giants on Sundance last night which was very entertaining. lots of interesting stories and interesting people that they got to talk about the Johns from Brooklyn. i know not everyone loves their music, but you could do a lot worse for people to admire than a couple of guys who play because they love doing it and who are genuinely nice and down-to-earth.

have a great holiday all. this space will be re-occupied come Monday. and don't forget, Friday is Buy Nothing Day. travel safely.

Posted by Jamie at 03:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

many of you are aware of the ridiculous and shameful events that transpired over the weekend in the sports world, mainly the fight that took place between Ron Artest, his teammates and the greater Detroit Metro area. now he was provoked, but to say that justifies his actions (and those of his teammates) would be the same as saying you are justified in stabbing me after i flicked your ear. it's easy to get caught up and wonder how something like this could have happened and what is wrong with today's players. but i remember watching as a 4 year-old as the Boston Bruins climbed into the stands at Madison Square Garden after fans threw things at them, threatened them, etc. the image of Mike Milbury beating a man with his own shoe will forever be etched in my brain. and Listmaker set me straight over the weekend on the fact that it's not just recently that fans have caused problems at events like these. but it does seem like it's gotten worse. or at the very least that it hasn't gotten better, which is truly terrible. to some degree i think it's indicative of Abu Ghraib syndrome - the dehumanizing of adversaries to the point that you feel justified acting in malicious and unacceptable ways.

and does race play a factor? you'd think in a league like the NBA that it wouldn't, but then you have to consider the recent outrage over the Terrell Owens/Desperate Housewives promo that has heavy racial overtones as well as the beyond words abomination that was the Spanish fans' actions during a recent "friendly" football match with England and the disparate treatment of Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens despite similar dispositions, abilities, ages and strange aging patterns and you start to realize that for as much as racism has receded into the background it still has a thirst for the spotlight. it makes it very hard to want to be a fan when you have to be lumped in with the pod people who, to put it in elementary school terms, "ruin it for everyone else". it's hard enough to be associated with the lowlifes sporting the "Jeter Swallows" shirts, so in the spirit of tilting at windmills, this is my manifesto for being a fan:

* booing, yelling and heckling are integral parts of the fun of a game, but be creative and mix it up - nothing is worse than hearing "you suck" shouted for 2 hours.

* if your taunting of opponents stems merely from your disppointment and frustration with your own life, take your pathetic ass outside.

* if you can't keep it clean when there are kids in earshot, you don't deserve your ticket.

* the presence of an opposing fan in your general vicinity is not a challenge to your manhood.

* if your feelings about a specific player are in any way colored by race or sexual orientation (presumed or otherwise), then *you* are the asshole. if you put those feelings into words, i can't stop you but i can root for you to get hit by a bus, i mean pray for your evil soul.

* if a loss by your team is enough to make you want to fight somebody -anybody - then you sound like a good candidate for shock therapy and/or a lobotomy (provided you haven't already had one).

* that $6 beer is going to do you a lot more good if you drink it rather than hurl it at a player. ditto that $3 soda and $4 box of popcorn. why not just start flinging poo, you missing link waste of stem cells?

* bored? not really there for the game? most stadiums and arenas come equipped with a wide variety of expensive time wasters. do not, under any circumstances, try to start "the Wave" (and god bless the St. Paul Saints for outlawing it).

feel free to submit anything else you'd like to see here - it's a work in progress.

Posted by Jamie at 03:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (16)

as we head into the shortened holiday work week and prepare to enter a Turkey coma come Thursday, please be aware of what is NOT causing said coma: tryptophan. so sorry Seinfeld fans, sorry Weasel, and sorry Royal Caribbean (their current ads claim that a cruise is the antidote to tryptophan). as usual, the folks at the Urban Legend Reference Pages set it straight:

Turkey does contain tryptophan, an amino acid which is a natural sedative. But tryptophan doesn't act on the brain unless it is taken on an empty stomach with no protein present, and the amount gobbled even during a holiday feast is generally too small to have an appreciable effect. That lazy, lethargic feeling so many are overcome by at the conclusion of a festive season meal is most likely due to the combination of drinking alcohol and overeating a carbohydrate-rich repast.

Those who still feel wary of turkey's purported sleep-inducing properties should find solace in the knowledge that many items we eat contain tryptophan. Milk, beef, and beans are among the foodstuffs which house this amino acid, and experts say chicken has higher levels of tryptophan than turkey does. If tryptophan were truly the sandman's henchman, we'd be falling asleep at the wheel on our way home from KFC.

so eat, watch football and make merry, but go easy on the wine and please make sure to brine your turkey.

Posted by Jamie at 02:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

it looks as though the Johnny Damon stencils that had appeared on some lampposts in the Carroll Gardens area of Brooklyn are no more. the wife noticed them (a simple headshot of Johnny w/ helmet and long flowing locks rendered in red) popping up near her office a couple of weeks ago, and the Daily News reported on the phenomenon a couple days ago (link via CSTB). but Yankee fans and the DOT vowed to remove them and when i dropped her off at work today, she noticed the absence of his visage on the corner pole. the eradication was also carried out one block down where i had previously noted it.

after the ALCS someone tried to sell t-shirts with the above image on them at Cafe Press but had it removed the next day after it was determined that it probably violated licensing agreements. when will the persecution of Mr. Damon end? is this because he has a speech impediment? because he looks like Jesus/a caveman/Charles Manson? maybe someone should pay to have his face put on some giant billboard in NYC for a month or so.

Posted by Jamie at 10:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

screw Canada, let's everyone move to the land of Guinness! from the Guardian via Salon.com:

Ireland is easily the best country in the world to inhabit, according to a quality-of-life survey that relegates Britain to a second-division ranking. The ambitious attempt to compare happiness around the world is based on the principle that wealth is not the only measure of human satisfaction.

Displayed on a notional scale of one to 10, rain-washed Ireland emerges with a gleaming top score of 8.33, well ahead of second-place Switzerland, which manages 8.07.

i think i'm starting to see it: lush, verdant landscapes, potatoes 36 ways, leprechauns delivering your mail....paradise. for the record, the US ranked 13th.

happy in life, happy in death

Posted by Jamie at 02:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

with all the real war in the world right now, not much has been said about the totally crap "war on drugs" that's been going on for over 20 years now. in fact, i don't think drugs or crime came up once during the election cycle. but the following paragraphs from a recent Black Table piece are all it takes to realize why some feel good "say no" campaigns and a bunch of draconian zero-tolerance, mandatory minimum shite completely miss the point:

It's been two years since I last did heroin, but I know if someone were to walk in with works and a bag, I would have that needle in my arm before you could say HIV. I miss it. Sometimes I wonder how I have gone this long without even dosing once. And I look forward to a time when I can dose again. I even know when that day is, and I am counting down. It's not until April though, so I have a while to wait. You might ask, "Why would you quit for two years only to take another shot?"

I'm not going to pretend that heroin is okay -- most people who develop a real addiction to heroin never quit. I don't know the exact statistic, but I know this previous statement is true. I am lucky to have been born with the willpower I have, and as stated previously, I only know of one other functional addict. I'm lucky to remember what I wanted before heroin. And what I want from life is much bigger and better than one small moment of heroin bullshit. But that one small moment of bullshit is something that I can't get out of my head.

as Bill Hicks said: "George Bush says 'we are losing the war on drugs'. Well you know what that implies? There's a war going on, and people on drugs are winning it! Well what does that tell you about drugs? Some smart, creative motherfuckers on that side." But hey, I guess building more prisons is good for the economy.

Posted by Jamie at 04:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

it's been a while since i've run one of these found items. if you're new to them you can read the first one for an explanation of where they come from. today's item (un-edited by me) pits an obvious language barrier against some possibly confusing transaction policies:

Dear Mr/Mrs,

Regards

Posted by Jamie at 04:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

i was looking forward to DC getting a baseball team so i would have a National League team to root for. but if they're going to pull stupid crap like signing the overrated Vinny Castilla and Cristian Guzman to multi-year contracts, i may have to reconsider that stance. not that they're helped by the fact that they still don't have real ownership putting them at a disadvantage during the free agent season. could MLB make this situation any worse somehow?

Posted by Jamie at 06:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

presenting t.s.o.a.'s cultural calendar:

get your lungs into shape: the annual Big Balloon Inflation for the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade is coming. (a quick aside from the description of the Ballon tour: "As an added convenience to families visiting the newly inflated balloons, Charmin Ultra® will provide the most fabulous public facilities on the Upper West Side. Located on the southwest corner of 77th Street and Columbus Avenue, these luxurious loos on wheels have all of the comforts of home, including hardwood floors, wallpaper and fully functional sinks." sounds like a good reason to hold it all day.) this year's lineup of lovable characters includes not only icons such as Charlie Brown and Mr. Monopoly (nee Rich Uncle Pennybags) but also corporate shills Jeeves and Cheesasaurus Rex.

dust off the ice skates: Kate Wollman Rink in Prospect Park opens November 17.

like opening grandpa's trunk in the attic: Looking at LIFE photography exhibit at the International Center of Photography (through November 28 - also featuring photos from Abu Ghraib and JFK's 1960 Presidential campaign).

it's not a sport if you can drink while playing: beer and bocce at Floyd, NY.

Posted by Jamie at 02:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

any football fan with a rudimentary understanding of the English language would often be a bit flummoxed by the grammatical gymnastics and gyrations flooding the airwaves on autumn Saturdays and Sundays. but one word in particular has been boiling my blood - "unanswered". used as an adjective, a typical example would be "and the Altoona Miners have run up 23 unanswered points on the Reading Riveters to takea 23-21 lead". except that very often, the announcers use this word, even though the points have been "answered" and they should instead be using the word "consecutive". take yesterday's Bears-Giants game for example. the Giants led 14-0, but the Bears charged back to a 28-14 advantage. when the Giants then scored again later, i heard "the Bears scored 28 unanswered points, but now the Giants have scored to get back within 7". that score was the answer. unanswered points can only occur if they are consecutive and if they are the final points of the game (or the most recent points scored at the time the statement is made). any other usage is incorrect and highly annoying. thank you, i feel better.

*UPDATE* - check out this CSTB post for the correct application of the word.

Posted by Jamie at 02:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

i never wrote about how i felt about the Red Sox winning the World Series, but people have been asking and i think i have the answer at this point. no one wants "desperate" and "long-suffering" to be adjectives used to describe them - let alone the basis for an entire indentity. but the extreme emotional swings and exquisite tension that came from watching the Red Sox did have an addictive quality. they enabled you to feel a part of something larger than yourself, both in the way they bonded you to your fellow fans and the way they made you wonder why humans were given the capacity for such a broad range of feelings. and while there was bit of negative reinforcement, it only served over the years to heighten the emotions to the point where it's hard to imagine them being any greater than they were during the latter stages of the ALCS. they had simply reached critical mass. so while it was important for the Red Sox to win the World Series, there was just no way the psychic energy could be sustained. the sweep was almost the perfect "cool down" period after the strenuousness that came before - get the heart rate back to normal, take a shower (in champagne) and get on with life.

so i'm happy, but also a bit sad. the Red Sox won and it's about time and we won't have to hear about any of the trappings of the curse any more. but now, no sporting event will ever again be able to elicit such a level of emotion from me. until my son hits the bottom of the 9th inning grand slam that wins the 2032 World Series.

Posted by Jamie at 02:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

south end, Roosevelt Island

Posted by Jamie at 12:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

after reading Andrew Sullivan's comments via CSTB, i thought i would reprint the text from an e-mail i sent earlier today:

i think Jon Stewart summed it up well last night when he said "i think in the
end, it just comes down to guys kissing" or words to that effect. put another
way, he said (speaking as a conservative) "we don't much care for 'Will &
Grace', so take this". that's the only "values" argument that can be made by
the conservative side considering that anyone with a 3rd grade education can
see that this president's "values" include lying, war-mongering, plundering and
lying some more. the Republicans certainly have little regard for the well
being of many of the people that vote for them - their jobs are being lost and
the rolls of the insured continue to shrink as corporations are allowed to run
the country more and more. but if you surround all this crap with Jesus, it's
like moths to the flame.

i know some people take offense at this notion, but the more i've been thinking
about it, the more the gay rights movement is very similar to the racial rights
movement that took decades to play out. one look at the red states is all it
takes to realize that the battle lines are almost exactly the same. meanwhile,
gay marriage bans are popping up across the country much as inter-racial
marriage bans did last century. the big difference in this case is the way so
much of the argument is tied up in religious dogma that there's very little way
to combat. like the Muslim fundamentalism that contributes to the violence and
hatred in the world, so does Christian fundamentalism (a bit more indirectly).
but whereas most Muslims try to distance themselves from the jihadists, most
Christians are only all too happy to line up behind those who would do
injustice to the teachings of Jesus.

---

as pissed off as i have been the past two days, moving to another country isn't the answer. but what is? how do we effectively achieve change to make this country better? the Democrats certainly don't know - they couldn't be more lost and there's no way America is electing Obama president. but we're seemingly stuck with them. should we all start running for office?

Posted by Jamie at 12:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

lost in all the pre-election build up was a small article in Monday's New York Times about the website longbets.org, a "public arena for enjoyably competitive predictions" designed to "improve long-term thinking". that may sound a little dry, but in practice it seems like it could be quite fun:

Ted Danson, the actor who portrayed Sam Malone, is making Red Sox fans proud for a different reason: as a result of Boston's World Series victory last week, Mr. Danson won the first bet ever decided at Long Bets (longbets.org), an online prediction site that focuses on scores that may not be settled for 45 years, if ever.

Mr. Danson's counter was also scientific. "Statistically, scoring goals is harder than hitting a home run and in the World Cup you have the whole WORLD against you," he wrote. In baseball, he argued, "the Red Sox only really have to beat the Yankees."

perusing the list of bets on record is endlessly fascinating with everything from "At least one human alive in the year 2000 will still be alive in 2150" to "By 2025 the scientific evidence of a hither-to-unknown large bi-pedal great ape will be sufficient to convince at least 50% of primatologists that a yeti/bigfoot-like creature exists." and you can peruse a list of predictions awaiting a challenge (the minimum bet is $200 on each side with any proceeds going to a charity of the winner's choice) or post your own prediction for a $50 fee. all predictions "must be societally or scientifically important' so they probably wouldn't have accepted my "Ben Roethlisberger will become a better QB than Philip Rivers of Eli Manning" prediction.

Posted by Jamie at 04:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

from the "terrorism can be fun" files (thanks to Rob for the e-mail). read past the jump for descriptions of the parts you can volunteer for:

Subject: A Golden Opportunity for Actors and Actresses!
Sent by: Mary Gropp on Tue, 02 Nov 2004 13:07:10 -0500

If you would like to participate, please contact Ballpark Operations at 410-547-6078, E-mail: smeriwet@oriolepark.com, Fax: 410-547-6270. There are 4 categories you may sign up for depending on your academy award aspirations. Below is an explanation of every opportunity as a volunteer. Please email Sarah Meriwether or call her with your choice once you have completed Please feel free to contact me for further information. Thank you again for all your help! GO BIRDS!

Sarah K Meriwether 410-547-6078 smeriwet@oriolepark.com

4) Hospital: H - Arrive at 745am - Sign in, receive badge and then will be escorted to the bus - Will be transported to Hospital - Will be given a card that has there symptoms - Act out following symptoms - Lunch will be provided - Will be transported back to Stadium - Victims must be at least 14 years of age - 745 to 1pm If not earlier - Will receive one ticket per volunteer

Posted by Jamie at 03:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

i haven't been able to come up with anything that doesn't make me sound smarmy, self-righteous, elitist or all of the above. and really, the whole thing is just too sad for words. i'll be talking about anything else as much as possible for the next 4 years.

Posted by Jamie at 08:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)