the shrewdness of apes

been meaning to get into this for a while. during our recent trip to O-hi-a the rental car the wife and i were driving came equipped with XM Satellite Radio. and not since the advent of On Demand television have i been this excited about some piece of new technology. it may have even made me utter the phrase "bomb diggity" upon returning to the house after my first 10 minute excursion into the land of continuous signals. so much good stuff: individual stations devoted to each decade from the 40s to the 90s; instant traffic for large cities nationwide; regional weather that changes as you drive; two comedy stations (i almost immediately heard Richard Pryor dropping f-bombs...on the radio!); multiple sports channels; a station just for live performances (Wilco was the first thing I heard here); and the best part, a college radio-style station (XMU) and a station devoted to the history of punk and indie music called "Fred" for some reason. Fred treated us to a full live Housemartins show circa '87 and then gave us some live Violent Femmes. Elvis Costello, the Clash, the Pixies, etc. were also featured prominently. XMU was even better, playing plenty of bands we knew and liked (Modest Mouse, Death Cab for Cutie, Beulah, New Pornographers), some we had heard of but not heard (Denali, Franz Ferdinand) and lots that we had never heard of that we ended up liking (LaGuardia, the Wannadies [who have apparently been around for a while], Eleven Eleven, Edria). it wasn't all great, but it was fun listening and even when they repeated bands, they rarely repeated songs. the only problem came with the display, which was obviously not their top of the line model. long band names and song titles got cut off leaving us to wonder who exactly "The Jessica Flet...." was. i figured the surname must be "Fletcher" only to be inundated by Murder, She Wrote websites when i typed it into Google. damn you, Lansbury! still, when you can go from a Jerry Seinfeld monologue to baseball scores to the Minders in the span of 3 minutes you've got something good on your hands. if i had a car, i would definitely have XM and i'm now seriously contemplating getting the service for our house. it's only $9.99 a month or less if you go multi-year and the radios themselves are reasonably priced. and did i mention how there's almost no commercials and you never lose the signal? the dropouts we had never lasted more than a few seconds and were few and far between. fantastic.

Posted by Jamie at 06:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

what to make of this story touting David Lee Roth training the be a volunteer EMT in New York City? if you opened your eyes after an accident and saw him, wouldn't you just assume that he's the tour guide for your trip to hell? i mean good for him, but does this look like a man interested in your well being?

"you want a little vodka in your IV?"

in a surprisingly unrelated story, New York stocks up on sex workers before the Republican Convention. this line wins the "line the writer probably giggled at as he typed" award: "Clubs have started booking private parties for delegates anxious to ogle topless beauties after a day of watching fully clothed politicians boast about family values."

Posted by Jamie at 12:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

you wanna talk com-a-dee, look no further than the next showing of Snakehead Terror on the Sci-Fi Channel. i was fortunate enough the catch the last 30 minutes last night, and spent most of that time trying not to laugh too hard so as not to miss one priceless moment. it made me yearn for the heyday of MST3K.

this original picture had it all. washed up leading man? check. former supermodel whose acting career never quote took off? check. ripped from the headlines? check (extra points for setting it in Maryland and for amping the "monsters" up until they became huge and bloodthirsty). horrible special effects, terrible acting, plot holes the size of quasars? check, check, check. great scene of a guy getting his brains eaten by a rubber fish? oh baby. it airs again on July 22nd at 7pm. if you happen across it, do yourself a favor and linger for a few minutes. i hope to catch the first hour+ if for no other reason than the set-up has to be at least as preposterous as the denouement.

in the who knew? department, a quick perusal of IMDB shows at least 3 horror-type movies based around the snakehead. it can only be a matter of time before Cinemax has its own late night "Passion at Snakehead Lake" or something.

Posted by Jamie at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

the standard response to a dirty car or truck is usually to scratch "Wash Me!" into the dirt, thereby creating a hilarious juxtaposition where it looks like the vehicle is aware of its plight and is begging passersby to have some compassion and run and get a sponge for godsakes. recently, the wife (squared) and i have seen a couple of cases where someone was feeling more creative resulting in the following messages on vehicles we've encountered:

* "I wish my sex life was this dirty"

* "Member of the He-Man Woman Haters club"

while the first is simple and ribald, the second one confused me until the wife (squared) informed me that it came from a Little Rascals episode. now that's a vandal with some chops! we then got into a conversation about the possibility that Bill Cosby had bought the rights to the "Our Gang" series in order to keep them off the air due to their racially biased portrayal of blacks, specifically Buckwheat. it seemed plausible considering i hadn't seen any episodes on TV in quite a few years. i even went so far as to proclaim this as fact to a few people at the wedding last weekend. should have known better, of course. that rumor is completely false as the good folks at Snopes are more than happy to point out. t.s.o.a. regrets the error.

Posted by Jamie at 07:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

yesterday at the bus stop, a woman disrupted my perusal of the front page by saying to me "you weren't born in this country were you?" i assured her that i was, and she used that information to launch into a series of questions in which i was asked to explain why in a country such as this, people would be forced to work in sweatshops between 16th and 49th streets (i'm assuming she meant Brooklyn) and to live with 20 people crowded into a single studio apartment. she continued her monologue until her stop came, pointedly telling me how mcuh she loved America but that it was sad that criticism was frowned upon while criminals in the government and business worlds get away with so much. was she crazy? maybe. did she have a point? absolutely. was i left somewhat depressed and slack-jawed as she disembarked from the bus leaving me to contemplate how the base level of comfort i have come to expect in my life acts as an insulator against the problems that an enormous number of my fellow humans face every day? i sure was. do i have any idea what to do about it, knowing that even a Kerry victory in November will do little to alleviate these types of problems here or abroad? sadly, no.

Posted by Jamie at 04:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

from around the country, a couple interesting links have hit the 'ol Inbox recently. these may be old hat to those of you who live entirely in the binary and hexadecimal worlds, but i thought they were pretty cool. first, a compendium of 365 mp3s put together last year that is a true treasure trove of the forgotten, the obscure and the just plain terrible. in that last category, check out the song from my birthday (2/28) which features Richard Dawson (yes, *that* one) doing a bizarre tune that one can only hope found him in an altered state during recording. another highlight: "I'm a Mormon" a rousing march that must subliminally contain a message prompting the listener to move to Utah. there's the obligatory William Shatner tune as well.

the other fun site i'll plug now is humanclock.com, a project that displays the time through pictures that have been sent in over the months. viewers are welcome to submit their own photos which will be incorporated into the site and displayed during the proper time as well - i just got a good idea for one. i don't see anything about military time on the site, so don't get too cute there smart guy.

thanks to Jeff and Barry.

Posted by Jamie at 03:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

thanks to all who made it, those who sent notes and those who were thinking of us. it was as great as we had hoped. we couldn't have been any luckier with the weather or the great people who we are proud to call our friends and family. when the biggest disappointments in a 7-day period are that you had to buy a $10 belt at Wal-Mart to complete your wedding outfit and that the line for the Millenium Force was too long to get on, you have to consider that time a rousing success.

and welcome to the new blog on the block. in your honor, here's an alphabetical list of things that i ate during a week in the Midwest: biscuits, bratwurst (w/ peppers & onions), bread, brownie, cantaloupe, coleslaw, corn dog, cucumbers, cupcake, eggs (deviled), eggs (scrambled), french fries, green beans, ham (glazed), hash browns, macaroni & cheese, omelette (Border Scramble), pasta salad, pickles, potato chips (barbecue & regular), pretzels, roast beef, salsa, Skittles (sour), tortilla chips. Doug may have summed it up best when he said "I've been in Marysville for 48 hours and I've had breakfast 7 times".

there's more to come, but for now it's time to continue catching up on the digital world - would it have killed everyone to take a break along with me? it's gonna be Friday before i feel up to speed.

Posted by Jamie at 03:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

in a place where the creeping expansion of Chinatown and the wildfire of the Gentrification Prefecture threaten to wipe out everything in their path, the wife and i spent one of the finest hours possible yesterday, all in the space of 1 block.

first up, a trip to The Pickle Guys on Essex Street to stock up for the wedding in order bring a taste of NYC to Ohio. the guys there are about the friendliest and most helpful you can find anywhere, letting you taste before you buy, steering you toward the best choices, and just generally being colorful. that they gave us two free t-shirts merely ensured that we'll be back very soon. besides the sublime pickles, i recommend trying the Giardiniera and the wife swears by the green tomatoes.

then it was around the corner to Grand Street and Kossar's Bialys, and old-school place if there ever was one (though even the old-school have websites these days). "spartan" is almost an understatement in here as a simple menu of bialys, bagels and bulkas greets you as the production facility to your right churns them out. and at $0.65 each ($1.25 for a large) you can't go wrong and they're good enough to eat plain.

as if that wasn't enough, we then discovered the Doughnut Plant a couple of doors down. using an old recipe with organic an unique ingredients, the doughnuts are big, extremely soft and exceedingly delicious. the censored version of our reaction upon tasting them was "forget Krispy Kreme!!" the fresh apricot doughnut i had was so good that the $2 price tag seemed like a bargain. the wife had one made with a Japanese herb that was also mouth-meltingly fantastic and our high quality beverages (fresh strawberry lemonade and organic iced coffee respectively, both also $2) were just the glazing on the doughnut.

happy and satisfied on such a gorgeous day, we were ready to brave the cavalcade of sights and smells back to the subway. any time i think i might want to leave New York, a return trip here should be enough to convince me otherwise.

Posted by Jamie at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

have you heard of this before? the candiru? aka the "vampire fish of Brazil"? team t.s.o.a. physician Neal recently came back from Peru bringing back some llama leather and a great story involving Ayahuasca (in which an orgy and cows both play central roles...you'll have to hear him tell it). while he was there he traveled some Amazonian tributaries by boat and when he started talking about the local wildlife. as he talked about all the things to be afraid of he started describing a fish and i knew right away it had to be the Candiru. i'll let this description speak for itself:

It is feared by the natives because it is attracted to urine or blood, and if the bather is nude it will swim into an orifice (the anus, vagina or even - in the case of the smaller specimens - the penis and deeper through the urethra). It then erects its spine and begins to feed on the blood and body tissue just as it would from the gills of a fish. The candiru is then almost impossible to remove except through an operation, usually involving the amputation of the area. A more expensive option is the use of two plants, the Xagua plant (Genipa americana) and the Buitach apple which are inserted (or their extract in the case of tight spaces) into the affected area. These two plants together will kill and then dissolve the fish. More often, the pain causes shock and death in the victim before it can be removed.

[shudder]

now onto something fun. while searching for "llama leather" i came across this site featuring the neckerchief and caption pictured below which struck me as hilarious for some reason:

"Use on your llama, alpaca, or donkey that is for sale. Put on while at shows or public events to let people know what is for sale. Screen printed on cordura with Velcro strap for attaching around neck. Small for alpacas and large for llamas and minis."

that's a good way to end the week. we now return to our previously scheduled hiatus, already in progress....

Posted by Jamie at 06:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

with an impending wedding and a raft of actual work that needs to be done prior to my departure, this is probably a good time to take a break from this business of blather and link regurgitation. there may be sporadic posting if the mood strikes or if the wife and i come to loggerheads about the music to be played during the reception (is a little Lionel Richie too much to ask for?).

to help you pass the time, try to watch as much TV as Phil has.

Posted by Jamie at 10:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

it's been a while since anyone organized a kickball game in the Park, but t.s.o.a. has some friends that play in leagues so it was a little shocking to read this article in Flak about adults playing kickball and dodgeball to exorcise childhood demons:

On the surface, it seems like fun to have schoolyard standards like dodgeball and kickball becoming popular adult activities. Sadly, these new leagues seem more about overcoming your p.e.-class memories than reliving them....[I]f you're trying to overcome your childhood pain through kickball, you must have been more sensitive than Kenny Loggins

how about just sticking to the surface? even in an organized league, i would say most people are playing because it's a simple, fun and cheap activity that can be enjoyed by members of both sexes. the point is more that we're now all mature enough to know that our self-worth isn't based upon how well we play or whether we win. and that it's a good way to socialize and/or drink heavily.

Posted by Jamie at 04:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

while skimming a story last week about a 9/11 survivor who was awarded $8.6M, some words caught my zig-zagging eyes. turns our her lawyer was named Guy I. Smiley leading me to believe that his parents were either big Sesame Street fans or high on peyote when he was born. then i found a picture of him and his firm's homepage and he obviously predates the character, so the origin remains a bit of a mystery. in any event, he can obviously be trusted to handle your legal heavy lifting should you find yourself the victim of medical malpractice or governmental climactic negligence.

while we're talking about Muppets, does anyone know why no channels are showing reruns of The Muppet Show? Disney seems like the likely culprit, but couldn't Trio slap down a couple million and show an episode a night? it's gotta be better than this Cop Rock thing they're wasting time with.

Posted by Jamie at 03:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

at first, i thought this headline about Christian Slater was merely funny. then i looked him up on IMDB, and you have to start to wonder. when the biggest things he's done in the past 5 years are "Windtalkers" and "3000 Miles to Graceland" that's barely gonna cover his coke bill. but wouldn't buying Star Wars figures because they were previously owned by Mr. Slater be a little like buying a car because it had been owned by Jon Voight?

help Christian get a hot meal by checking out the list of all the warez for sale here (link from Gizmodo via Defamer)

Posted by Jamie at 02:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Bush - We are saddened greatly by the death of former President Reagan. But this administration had no advance warning of his death. Had we known, we would have certainly done everything in our power to prevent this unfortunate event. There may have been a memo that mentioned his Alzheimer's affliction, but if there was, it was produced before we had any indication that his death may have been imminent. And anyway, that memo was simply informational and contained no actionable items. Rest assured that this administration is devoted to seeking out and destroying this evil-doing disease in order to protect this nation and its ex-presidents. I would also like to take this chance to announce that we will be slapping Ronnie's name all over town in tribute to the fact that he was too senile by 2000 to tell everyone what a shit I was during the 80s. The White House will now be called Reagan Manor and will be located at 1600 Ronald Reagan Avenue. Also say hello to the Reagan Monument, Reagan River and Ronald X Park.

Kerry - It's a great tragedy when a nation loses a former leader. But even at a drooling, vegetative 93 years old, Ronald Reagan was twice the president that George W. Bush is. Under a Kerry administration, the health and safety of all of this great nation's former presidents would be our number 1 priority. But we would not act unilaterally, imposing our will simply because their was a rumor that Gerald Ford has a head cold. We will seek to amass solid evidence and intelligence and work with our allies in the UN and elsewhere to ensure the proper support. And we will hold ourselves to a standard of conduct and health that we can be proud to show to the rest of the world. What good is it to cure cancer if we have alienated our friends in Europe in the process? We won no friends wiping out Rubella in Vietnam in the 70s I can assure you. So in commemoration of this day, I would like to outline my rollback of this administration's self-serving tax cuts for the rich: the Ronald Reagan Memorial Fat Cat Tax Hike. Trickle down on this, Ronnie!

Posted by Jamie at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

it's nice to know that across this vast digital expanse, a simple Google search can lead you to the strangely pointless, the confusingly intriguing and the unintentionally funny.

(assist to The Morning News)

Posted by Jamie at 01:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

someone just tipped us off to the fact that tomorrow is "Ice Cube Tray Night" at Shea, which has to be one of the lamest yet coolest promotions ever (and it's certainly funnier than anything in this rather lame piece of satire). the trays come in the thick of a series of giveaways by the Mets, culminating in the Kaz Matsui bobbleheads being handed out on Sunday. no word on whether the Jose Reyes bobbleheads on July 17th will feature realistic hamstring-pullin', back-strainin' action.

but bobbleheads are well past being played out, so it's time to find some new, exciting shit to give away especially in light of the recent Superman 2 fiasco. the ice cube trays are a step in the right direction, and "Hello Kitty Day" on 8/15 is sure to pack the place with pre-teen girls (but couldn't they have gone for something a little cooler - Pochacco maybe?), but other than that it's a steady stream of sports bags and ceramic stadium replicas. yawwwn.

moving on, we were excited to see that the Phillies are using July 4 to hand out Turkey Hill Phillies Wiffle Ball Sets. t.s.o.a. will even be in attendance that day. alas, the promotion is for those 14 and under only, but maybe Shmoo can work some of her magic in the bathroom like she did in Seattle a few years back to score a set or two. their Bull's BBQ apron (6/20) deserves some praise, but otherwise the slate is highly dull.

so what about the other local club? hey, they're doing the ice cube tray promotion on the same night as the Mets! lame. shame on you Dunkin' Donuts. at least give fans the opportunity to collect 'em all. the Bronx Boys have little more to offer throughout the year: a pennant pillow? next. a bronze statuette of Phil Rizzuto? that'll certainly keep those pesky papers from flying away. soft Elmo plush dolls? soon to be clogging up thrift store shelves near you. but credit must be given to the "Yankees Pinstriped Happi Coat" (8/7, 14 & under) if only because we have no idea what that is. it appears to be some sort of bathrobe.

here's a few other worthy efforts:

Belated Father's Day Present - Cloverdale Grill Set (6/25, Seattle - there's other teams doing similar things as well)
Mitchell & Ness® Cooperstown Authentic Collection 1984 Ryne Sandberg Home Jersey (100 random winners)* (6/30, Cubs)
CD/DVD Holder (9/8, Anaheim)
Interleague Trucker Caps (they're Kutcher-tastic!; 6/27, White Sox)
Money Clip Night (7/19, Colorado)
Marlins World Champion Electric Fish Fan (7/4, Florida)
Blue Wig sponsored by Las Vegas (6/29, Los Angeles)
Fernando Talking Mini Keychain (9/16, Los Angeles)
Expos Blood Drive (get drunk faster! 8/13, Montreal)
Padres Swinging Friar 3-D Puzzles for Kids (check the picture; 6/20, San Diego)
Oven Mitts and Pot Holders Night (8/27, Texas)

Posted by Jamie at 12:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

as a non-native transplant i've only been vaguely aware of the existence of the Brooklyn Historical Society as a cultural resource or what have you. then a friend recently sent us an e-mail informing us of the exhibit concerning the history of beer brewing in Brooklyn, which is being accompanied by a weekly Friday beer garden. the exhibit runs through October and the beer garden is every Friday until August. that was enough to sign up for the e-mail newsletter, and i was delighted to receive the first copy today detailing an upcoming 3-part walking tour on Brooklyn Baseball History on June 13, 20, 27 ($15 per tour). the walks will take place in Brooklyn Heights, Park Slope and Green-Wood Cemetery. the only problem is that the 2nd installment conflicts with our wedding, which is too bad because that one includes tours of the original homes of the Brooklyn Dodgers. part of the second one (1898-1912) is even still standing, meaning "these walls represent the oldest standing major league structure anywhere". that walk meets in the Park across the street from friends of t.s.o.a. Danny Baseball and Youthlarge, a park which contains it's own bit of history in the Old Stone House. but that's probably best left for another post.

can anyone tell me on what street in Brooklyn you can find this sign?

Posted by Jamie at 05:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

so you ignored that feeling in your gut and went to see "The Day After Tomorrow" anyway didn't you? and as you stumbled out the theater, your face a rictus of pain, your disbelief still suspended, perhaps you were racked with guilt as you went to gas up your H2 about the fragile state of the planet's life-support systems? i mean, what can i do as just one person to really make a difference? here are the two simplest actions i could find:

1. become a Republican (note: only applies to non-Republicans)
2. buy some Compact Fluorescent light bulbs. we recently picked up our first 8-pack at Costco for like $20. to quote the Department of Energy:

If every household in the U.S. replaced one light bulb with an ENERGY STAR qualified compact fluorescent light bulb (CFL), it would prevent enough pollution to equal removing one million cars from the road.

they can cost up to $5-$10 a bulb but they do last forever (5+ years), they reduce your electric bill and you can always take them with you if you move.

so did anyone also go see Soul Plane? is it worth checking out or is the presence of Tom Arnold enough to impugn the whole thing? i enjoyed the ability to customize the plane's features through the website. my favorite combination was 5-5-1-2.

Posted by Jamie at 05:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)