his breath would fog up the glass
one of my all time favorite SNL sketches: The Guy Who Plays Mr. Belvedere Fan Club. Phil Hartman's death has to be one of the great injustices of the past 10 years.
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April 29, 2004
the world's moving pretty fast out there
merci beaucoup to kfan for forwarding along this story from the NYTimes about HiMpact Sports a new technology that "reduces a three-hour baseball game to an eight-minute experience" by cutting out all non-action that takes place during a game. not that i'd want to watch every game at that pace, but for fantasy or highlight purposes it could certainly be helpful and enlightening (e.g. was Scott Rolen's 0-for-4 last night that bad or did he just hit a lot of balls right at people?; or how far did that Richie Sexson homerun go?). as Marc prophesized less than 3 weeks ago, "it would be like your own personal 'baseball tonight.'" i would get up 10 minutes earlier every morning for that.
on a side note, can anyone read the Circuits section of the Times without that creepy, cloying, only-child from the commercials popping into your head saying "...and what's happening on the web." i think it's starting to drive me insane. thank the sweet lord it's only a once a week section otherwise i may have knifed myself in the brain by now.
April 28, 2004
interest limit = 4 pages of Google results
while perusing some information on Occam's Razor, i came across a not dissimilar companion called Hanlon's Razor, which states:
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
then the beauty of the internet kicked in and within 10 minutes i knew that: some people attribute the phrase to Robert Heinlein (corrupted to become Hanlon) while others claim that a Robert J. Hanlon coined it and still more trace it back to Napoleon or Goethe. numerous hackers have glommed onto this principle (as it "probably reflects the hacker's daily experience of environments created by well-intentioned but short-sighted people"), while others would use it as a military principle.
perhaps it's a little 1998 to be raving about the internet with slack-jawed wonderment, but it was pretty sweet to find something interesting and immediately be able to find out enough about it to write a short research paper had i somehow transported myself back to English 236 or something. now, having said that, i'm a little sick of the subject.
clogging up the calendar
thanks to Donovan for the tip off about tonight's stop on Found Magazine's "Slapdance Across America" tour. i was hoping to make it but can't (but you might see Janelle), so it was heartening to see that they will be back in Brooklyn on September 23rd. consider it penciled in.
in the coming soon department, May 22nd is the Brooklyn Pigfest at the Brooklyn Brewery. looks a lot like the menu for our upcoming wedding, if only we could afford to feed 120 people with free range Niman Ranch pigs.
down the road, Open House New York is returning on October 9-10 this year to reveal the "unseen New York" once again. last year i managed to make it to the catacombs of Green-Wood Cemetery, the roof of Grand Army Plaza, and the smallpox hospital on Roosevelt Island before catching Game 3 of the ALCS and it was great time. they promise a more diverse array of sites this year, so there should be no shortage of cool sites to investigate.
April 27, 2004
we want to get out of here, but we can't find the exits
Anheuser-Busch stock tumbled yesterday following the announcement of the impending break-up of alcohol-fueled rockers Guided by Voices. barley futures also dipped with the news on the assumption that orders will drop following the bands last show, tentatively scheduled for New York City on New Year's Eve. some analysts insisted that the malted beverage market would remain strong, however, due to increased consumption on the part of the band's legions of fans who will surely be looking for a way to dull the pain of a world without GbV, while others pointed out that prolific frontman Robert Pollard was unlikely to sit on the sidelines for long and likely already had 5-10 solo albums in the can that could be on the streets within a few weeks. despite Pollard's claim that "when we quit, Indie Rock will die", the Indie Rock Index showed no signs of weakening, while leading indicator Matador Records reacted to the news by announcing the impending release of a Bob Nastanovich record to consist of unintelligible screaming over spoken word of Bob reading from the Daily Racing Form.
has this leg kicked its last?
rest assured that t.s.o.a. will be doing its damndest to uncover the facts during our impending long weekend in central Ohio.
April 26, 2004
the meats of our cultural stew
some people knit, some people play guitar, some people collect bizarre trinkets, some people surf and some people spend hours recreating the costumes from 22 year-old movies. warning: some people look nothing like Bruce Boxleitner.
link via fitted sweats.
April 23, 2004
flavor of the month (provided that month is May 2003)
people are still using Friendster? i got a new friend request from someone today, so i guess they must be. shouldn't i shun them just on general principle?
good advice
Nobody says you have to act like a deacon. Just don't be a sleazeball.
Cary Tennis is easily the best advice columnist going these days. Well worth having to wade through today's advertisement to read the whole thing (and you can check out all the archives for free once you're in).
one guy from queens' opinion
while waiting in line for my lunch, the guy behind me noticed i was reading something football related. he asked if i had heard about the former NFL player who was just killed during fighting in Afghanistan. i said i had and we chatted for a few moments about what a tragedy it was, this player giving up millions of dollars because he felt an obligation to go fight for his country. then he said something that gave me some great insight into the American political climate:
y'know, a lot of people don't understand what's really going on over there. 'cause if we lose over there, they're coming here next.
fortunately my food was handed to me at that point and i was able to scramble away with a quick "so long". as i walked, i couldn't decide what was the biggest problem with that declaration. the fact that "they" are already here most likely; the fact that "they" was so vague as to be meaningless; the fact that the domino theory is still being cited 30 years after Vietnam; the implication that the U.S. was not the agressor in deposing two governments (the desirability of each not withstanding); or the fact that i wanted to escape rather than try to talk to him.
but it reinforced for me that fear is powerful, and that the polls don't lie: there's still a ton of support for a president who could care less if what he's saying is truthful so long as its pandering and/or designed to belittle any criticism; who conducts every press conference with a smirk on his face like he just pissed in your pool and got away with it; who graduated from one of the finest institutions on earth, yet has more trouble communicating than my dog; whose extremist Christianity could give extremist Islam a run for its money from a suppressing freedom standpoint; who believes that the government should not have to protect the environment because, you know, companies can be counted on to do the right thing.
with each passing day, and each sign of "economic recovery" (note to self: check value of 401(k)), i become increasingly concerned that we could be in another 4 years of this bullshit that makes the previous bullshit look like chocolate ice cream. i swear, if i somehow end up with a son like Alex P. Keaton, i'm selling him to the gypsies. you could do a lot worse than that Meredith Baxter Birney in the wife department, though.
April 22, 2004
nogginus maximus smoothus
more mother's day gift ideas, if your mother happens to be Sinead O'Connor or a retired former Knick: the headblade scalp razor. for a hairless head, every time.
link via Cool Tools
also, it loses its flavor after 5 minutes
Brooklyn is always up-to-date, unique and unmistakable. Brooklyn is an exclusive part of the young people’s world; it rejects rules and conventions to become a synonym for freedom and independence.
this is gum they're talking about?
check out the stills from the Mentos-style commercials as well.
and not one mention of my fantasy teams
there's been a lot of baseball in the ol' Inbox recently:
first, Marc sent around the link to a hilarious Lego reenactment of Tuesday night's Twins-Tigers game from Batgirl.
then Batgirl linked to this great article about flaky Twins outfielder Lew Ford. i had no idea the Red Sox had originally drafted him. i gotta say that between this, Cuddyer's Diary (highight: Mike and Doug Mientkiewicz spend an off day at a Cleveland mall), the new turf and the general likeability of the whole team, it's almost enough to make me a Twins fan. then i remember that Carl Pohlad still owns the team and would have happily pocketed the contraction payout to wipe the team out of existence. plus they have two World Series titles in the past 17 years so screw that.
courtesy of Dan comes the story of one man's obsession with collecting baseballs from major league stadiums. he has over 2100 now and even wrote a book a few years back called How to Snag Major League Baseballs. but the part that caught my eye was this paragraph:
While he's not working or trolling for baseballs, he's writing another baseball book. He also holds the record high score in a 1980s-era video game called Arkanoid, he's an expert Scrabble player and he has assembled a 130-pound rubber band ball.
truly a man of letters! and the official brother of t.s.o.a. and i were Arkanoid crazy back in the original Nintendo days so i was happy to find that i could download Arkanoid 4000 for free. the 1 user comment left about the game so far is pretty priceless.
of course the big story coming up is the second Red Sox-Yankees showdown of the year, the Sox having taken 3 of 4 games last wekeend. the Yanks are still reeling despite two straight wins and another series loss to the Sox in April might be enough the send Steinbrenner into coronary country. Pedro will be pitching on Sunday (against whom is TBD) and i'd give odds that he lowers his 3.86 ERA before the day is over. you gotta root for a guy like Bubba Crosby though, pinstripes or no (especially because his playing time should be inversely proportional to the Yankees success). i've got a real soft spot for guys like that.
April 21, 2004
further developments
Balgavy.com progenitor Marc was recently agog over the possibilities that the melding of TV, DVRs and computers holds for his baseball fandom. it got me to thinking, and the other day during a cab ride home, a similar train of thought seeped in to my brain. with the advent of OnStar and satellite navigation, i should be able to get into a cab, give my address to the driver and have him punch it into an onboard computer (or enter it myself) which then gives him directions to where i live. this eliminates the constant "ok, go about 7 or 8 blocks and make a left" that is especially prevalent for those of us in the outer boroughs. meanwhile, now that the cab knows where it's going, it can give me an estimate on what the fare will be and ask me if i'd like to swipe a credit or debit card to pay for the trip - maybe it even offers me the chance to tell it how much i would like to tip the driver (either in actual $$ or as a percent of the fare). that would allow for more time to divvy up the fare between friends and saves time at the end as the need to fish for your wallet, calculate 15% and wait for your change is eliminated. all in all, a smoother process where everybody wins.
anyone out there with the cash to make these visions a reaility? VC checks for either Marc or me can be made out to "Balgavy.com Enterprises".
there's an oxymoron in here somewhere
seafood from a chain restaurant. does it get any better than that? it does when Long John Silver's decides to give away free shrimp on May 10th. that's right, one giant shrimp (measuring about half a foot) per customer. and the kicker? they're doing it to celebrate the discovery of the former large body of water on Mars. t.s.o.a. hereby recants any and all criticism of the Mars rovers - free shrimp for all! unfortunately, they don't have anything as good to wash it down with as the Lobsterita from Red Lobster.
meanwhile, check out the Lobsterita blog, run by some girl from Utah who steals gummy bears from her job. there's a great link to windup sushi (paging youthlarge...) and multiple pictures of Rivers Cuomo should you be into that sort of thing.
UPDATE: check out the press release from LJS about the event, featuring such memorable lines as:
"NASA is making history on Mars and Long John Silver's is making history here on earth," added [Chief Marketing Officer Mike] Baker. "Our faith in NASA has paid off. Their giant accomplishment calls for Giant Shrimp."
and
[LJS President Steve] Davis ended the letter by writing, "This is one small step for man, and one giant leap for Giant Shrimp." He also again expressed interest in Long John Silver's becoming the first seafood restaurant on Mars.
is Mars already open for franchising? did one of the rovers find an empty Starbucks cup in a crater? the mind boggles.
April 20, 2004
troika
recent developments at work and how they affect stress levels and sense of well being:
Good - free cell phone = no more sheepishly asking to borrow friends phones while out and about
Bad - no more cheap rental cars and vans = lots of rental car headaches
Ugly - trying to save money by printing wedding invitations on temperamental office printers using unusually sized paper = lots of swearing, pleading and smacking upside the CPU
April 19, 2004
heat index
over the weekend, my reliability as a source of weather knowledge was called into question when discussing the relative humidity in New York City vs. Washington D.C. my assertion that there was little to no difference between the two cities was dismissed out of hand by numerous parties including the wife (who, y'know, never actually lived in DC most of her life or anything), who said that New York was clearly less humid. well the results are in, thanks to the good folks at the BBC, and while DC averages 3-5 degrees warmer most of the time, the average relative humidity for each place is within 1-2% points in the a.m., while NYC vaults into the lead in the p.m. by 6-8% points throughout the year. i don't know what this vindication earns me other than a scornful look when i walk through the door this evening, but i felt the public must be informed. when my family moved from the dry air of Utah to Maryland about 20 years ago, i'll never forget how it felt to emerge into the thick, fetid DC air for the first time. it was difficult to breathe and it seemed to be about 8 million degrees - it certainly didn't seem feasible that so many people could live under such conditions.
while i'm on the subject, Gothamist has a weather-related blog now. i don't know how long they can come up with material besides the daily forecast, but for now i still prefer the NYTimes print edition weather page with its fun charts and graphs and the 100 daily words on some phenomenon or other.
April 16, 2004
fan fare
on a lighter note, at this week's Mets home opener, i started talking with Sujan about baseball players and managers named after food. my tangential brain picked up the task today and here's a pretty decent list:
Cookie Rojas, Darryl Strawberry, Mike Lamb, Jim Rice, Bill Bean (not Billy Beane), Chet and Bob and Jim Lemon, Johhny Oates, Zack Wheat, Bobby Wine, Clarence Beers, Sweetbreads Bailey (real name Abraham Lincoln Bailey), Pepper Martin, Ginger Beaumont, Peaches Graham (2 foods in 1), Peanuts Lowrey, Tom Butters, Noodles Hahn, Candy Maldonado, Bake McBride, Tim Crabtree, Dizzy and Steve Trout, Felix Pie (Cubs OF prospect), Tim Salmon, Pork Chop Pough (1995 Eastern League All-Star), Vinegar Bend Mizell, Sugar Cain (really!), David Cone, Chip Hale, Kevin and Randy Bass, Rob Deer, Eddie Bacon, Eddie Mayo, Pickles Dillhoefer.
research aided by Baseball-Reference.com. bonus tidbit: type "sausage" into the Player Search area and Randall Simon's stats come up.
3600?
at first i resisted the urge to link to this story about the Olsen Twins, but this passage just stuck in my brain:
Type "Olsen twins countdown" into Google and you'll find 3,600 sites that count the days, hours, minutes and seconds until June 13, when the Olsens turn 18 and will be legal to vote - not to mention have sex or pose for Playboy.
"The buzz on this has been building for five years," says Bill Doty, who runs a countdown clock on his Web site, www.brokennewz.com. "It's going to be a big day for a lot of guys.
what the hell is wrong with people? how will that constitute a "big day" for guys? are they all counting down so they don't have to feel dirty when they masturbate to them anymore? i don't know if i feel worse about being a guy or about being a citizen of a country where reaching the age of consent is likened to the opening of deer season ("i'm gonna bag me some twins!"). i hope they all choke on their Coors Lights.
(thanks to Claire for the link)
April 15, 2004
better than crystal pepsi
here's an example where transparency serves an actual purpose rather than simply being a marketing gimmick: clear duct tape. and if it really does last 6 times longer than the gray stuff, so much the better.
the big bang
i was just now horribly embarrassed during a conversation here in the office about whether there was any sound in space, as i somehow convinced myself that even though space is a vacuum, there were enough stray particles around to create audible sound or something like that. anyone familiar with the "in space, no one can here you scream" tagline should immediately know that sound does not travel in space (or any other vacuum).
i consider myself to be fairly science minded, having scored a 5 on the AP Physics test way back when, so i was even more distressed with myself when i realized i was basing my argument on TV and movies. for instance, in my mind, i was using Darth Vader blowing up that planet in Star Wars, and the Enterprise gunning it to light speed as rationale for my position. that's just horrifying for so many reasons.
free lunch
to anyone finding themselves in the last car of the V train today: should you come across a black plastic bag containing a roast beef sandwich, some pretzels and a tangerine, please enjoy them with my compliments. at least the sun is coming out....
April 14, 2004
double dip
i know what you're thinking: Mother's Day is a mere 25 days away, and I haven't a clue what to get for dear old mum! well fret no more, my possibly British subconscious, because there are now two (count 'em) t.s.o.a. approved ways to please your mom or anyone else you happen to owe your entire existence to.
first, the wife and friends have put their French Culinary Institute (motto: needs more butter) training to work with a luscious menu that's so good (and baked) you won't want to give it away. so order one for yourself too, you selfish bastard.
now, another talented friend has launched the website of her gift basket business. the stuff is good and she's got the testimonials to prove it (a couple are even from people i don't know!). so order now, now, now!
up close
the Bill Murray thing was great. the Q&A went smoothly and featured SNL writer Tom Schiller, Jim Jarmusch, Howard Franklin and the guy who directed Hamlet. there was a bit of an "Inside the Actor's Studio" vibe, only with less obsequious bootlicking. he seemed like a guy i wouldn't feel strange calling by his first name.
highlights of the evening included:
* the wife, upon seeing Elvis Mitchell, proclaiming "i bummed a smoke off that guy outside!"
* switching tickets with some people and getting to see Quick Change after all.
* noting that in the opening scene of Quick Change, there's a large billboard ad for Suntory in the background (good eye, wifey).
* Bill spending the first 10 minutes on stage with a button undone on his shirt allowing us a perfect vantage point of his bellybutton. and me without a camera.
* Bill deftly handling the question asking whether he is thankful every day that he's not Chevy Chase.
* the story in which Bill is tied to a pool chair by Hunter S. Thompson and dropped in to attempt an underwater escape.
* getting excited for Coffee & Cigarettes where Bill shares a scene with RZA and GZA and The Life Aquatic which is supposed to be released in December.
UPDATE: youthlarge has some thoughts on the night as well.
taxonomy
well it's April 14th, so i hope everyone has their taxes done. this is the first year i've ever not done mine myself, as the wife and i dropped ours off last weekend. i don't want to cast aspersions, but this accountant (found through a friend) seemed to be operating in some gray-market area of the income tax field. the office where we met him was in this weird Brooklyn storefront with a bunch of 20 year-old office furniture and some dying potted plants. he was in the back, down the wood-paneled hallway in a cluttered office that may or may not have had a secret exit. but he was quick and efficient and we're getting a nice chunk of change back all told, so no complaints.
all this was sort of long way of getting to talking about the really odd part of that day. as we walked along Quentin Rd. in South Brooklyn back towards the subway, we noticed a tree full of green and blue parakeets - at least 10 or 20 of them. it certainly seemed out of place, even in this relatively suburban part of the city. i had noticed a number of large nests populating the power lines above the sidewalk on the way there, and it then dawned on me that there was a colony of these birds that lived in the entrance gate to Green-Wood Cemetery. further digging revealed that there are colonies of these Monk Parakeets (also known as Quaker Parrots) around Brooklyn College and Marine Park. the nests are huge, weighing up to a ton in some cases and are very distinctive.
the big question is where they came from and what to do with them. native to South America, there are possible colonies in as many as 15 states and Canada. the NY colony most likely originated when birds escaped from a crate at JFK airport in 1967. and while they certainly spice up the wildlife for those of us who secretly wish for pigeons to get crushed under the wheels of a bus, the case can be made that these invaders could harm native species and agriculture. as pets though, they live 25-30 years and have been voted as on the ten best talkers, making them extremely popular. i'm suprised some enterprising Brooklyn kids haven't started trapping them and selling them on street corners.
April 13, 2004
3 for 4
team Neuticles reclaimed the trivia crown at Buttermilk last night, which was a nice cash flow boost considering tjhat the next 3 weekends feature trips to DC, Atlantic City and Ohio. this month's set of questions covered topics ranging from cockfighting to Wellington, New Zealand to the names of the babies in Raising Arizona to Eldridge Cleaver to the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle to the cover of Sonic Youth's Goo. if you've been missing out, you should get off your ass next month (May 10th) and come out and play.
test your Simpson trivia knowledge with this quiz.
now it's off to BAM for the Evening with Bill Murray. we missed out on the tix for Quick Change, so we get to see Lost in Translation (and thus, Scarlet Johannsen's ass) again. make it Suntory time! any Q&A highlights will appear in this space tomorrow.
a moment of silence
for the sad, untimely and ultimately preventable death of "Weird" Al Yankovic's parents. read Al's note to his fans here.
growing up, i was, along with the official brother of t.s.o.a., probably a bit too into "Weird" Al but we would have rather listened to his versions of most of the songs he parodied. and with song titles like "Nature Trail to Hell", "Christmas at Ground Zero", and "Slime Creatures from Outer Space" it's not hard to see what was appealing to our pre-adolescent brains. UHF is one of those cult classic types of movies that still makes me laugh when i catch 15 minutes of it on USA at 4:30 on a Saturday afternoon. but it *is* hard to believe that he's still at it these days, and still winning Grammys. that should probably be a further indictment of the worst awards in existence, but really how great is it that he's been able to carve out a 20+ year career with this stuff?
somehow it's fitting that "you're no rock'n'roll fun" came on while i was typing this. i know that makes no sense.
bonus stuff: a 13-year old interviews Al for the Onion.
April 09, 2004
the secret of my success
trolling around the web in my usual manner, i was semi-shocked to learn that Beck may be a Scientologist (he just married Giovanni Ribisi's twin sister - a known Scientologist as well). most people know the list of famous Hubbard followers: Cruise, Alley, Travolta, Presley, Juliette Lewis, etc. but what actors belong to marginal and/or shady religious sects? fortunately there's a page to direct you to a list for whatever religion you might be looking for. some choice samples:
Pagans: Cybill Shepard, Timothy Leary, Alice Walker, Brigitte Nielsen
Unitarians: Kurt Vonnegut, Pete Seeger
Zoroastrians: Freddie Mercury
Quakers: Dave Matthews, James Dan, Ben Kingsley, Richard Nixon (the same one who bombed Cambodia?)
Catholics: Guy Fawkes, Christina Aguilera, Eddie Van Halen
Christian Scientists: Danielle Steele, Rep. David Dreier, Mickey Rooney, Val Kilmer
Mormons: Gordon Jump, Rick Schroeder, Eliza Dushku, Neil LaBute(!), Kyle Farnsworth, Thurl Bailey
7th Day Adventists: Little Richard, Prince, David Koresh
Jehovah's Witnesses: Venus and Serena Williams, Chet Lemon, Ja Rule, Geri Halliwell
no word on whether Hugh Jackman is a snake handler or not.
April 08, 2004
a trio of b-listers
scene #1, yesterday 4:15 pm
the aforementioned bootlegger is walking by. he attracts my attention and asks "have we met?". "no" i reply, to which he says "'cause you look like that guy. y'know, from Thirtysomething." i chuckle politely and say that no, i'm not him. mr. copyright infringement says "ok, 'cause i was about to ask how you ended up working here." apparently dude doesn't watch The West Wing.
scene #2; today 8:30am
the B1 idling against the curb can only mean one thing: it's the bus driver who always stops here on 13th Ave. to run in for coffee and pastries, while the commuting masses are stuck in neutral. i wait for him to come back out and open the doors, and as he returns he looks and me, asks if i am waiting for him (affirmative) and says "damn you look like that guy!" as i climb the steps in front of him he announces to all of the passengers "hey everybody, it's the star of Thirtysomething!" provoking a laugh from the large human in the i-sit-here-so-i-can-chat-with-the-driver seat. i quietly slink to the deserted back of the bus and remind myself for the 10th time this week that i need to trim my beard.
---
the "that guy" comparisons are a fairly recent development caused mainly by the redness of my facial hair (the presence of which is also a recent development). the first comparison to a celebrity i ever got was during my freshman year of college when some girl told me i looked like Richard Dreyfuss. i've never been sure whether to take that flatteringly or not (she was cute). over the years i got a couple more of those, but for a long time i was almost always said to look like "Steve from 90210". so who do i look more like, Timothy Busfield, Richard Dreyfuss or Ian Ziering? quite frankly i'm not thrilled by any of those choices, so maybe i should put it to a vote to decide once and for all.
what say you?
April 07, 2004
the nerve
a new guy at work was just pointed in my direction because he had a question about printing something (he's a maintenance worker and as such doesn't have his own computer). so he walks up to me holding some DVD covers that he wants to scan in and print saying he needs "at least 3 copies". i basically lie and say we don't have a working scanner because while i'm not necessarily anti-bootlegging (and those anti-piracy pleas they play as part of the previews are just terrible), where does he get off assuming that i'm going to be cool with him using our equipment for that purpose? especially when i've just met him today. i've got other things to do with my time - either offer me a cut of the proceeds from the illicit Kill Bill discs or stop bothering me.
setting the table
the rise of sabermetrics (aka "moneyball") in baseball is one of the most polarizing movements in sports. while i regard it as an improvement over much of the traditional analysis, there are those who choose to belittle it or otherwise dismiss it, despite the evidence amassing in its favor. Baseball Prospectus (one of the progenitors of this approach) put up a great piece about the whole debate yesterday. though i urge you to read the whole article, i'll reprint the crux of the argument, which i think explains the whole thing very well in a very straightforward manner:
The vastly overstated Beane/Moneyball/sabermetric bias against scouting is a red herring, as is the macho derision of sabermetricians. The truth is, while statistics provide the evidence for most of the new theories of the game, most of the ideas advocated by the so-called statheads can be explained by plain old common sense. Over in the Pinstriped Bible about a year and a half ago, I attempted to summarize what I had learned in 20 years of following baseball in the form of 19 "commandments." Let's revisit a few of those now and see if we can justify them in the most simplistic way possible, without resorting to "freaky" sabermetric weirdness--that is, no "advanced" stats, no math, which I can't do anyway:
It's how often a player reaches base that's important, not batting average, not RBI.
Baseball doesn't have a clock in the sense that football or basketball does, but it has outs, 27 of them, and each one an offense spends brings the game closer to extinction. The players who reach base most often are the ones most likely to put off the inevitable death of the offensive effort. The more your players get on base, the more your players get a chance to hit, meaning you score more runs.
Remember league and position averages: numbers have meaning only in context.
Hypothetical season: the Anaheim Angels' first baseman hit .275 and slugged .440. That seems pretty good, until you realize that the American League as a whole hit .277 and slugged .445, and that American League first basemen in particular hit .295 and slugged. 500. The Yankees often endured this problem with Tino Martinez. Baseball is, among other things, a game of matchups, of 'my first baseman is better than your first baseman.' It's not enough that your first baseman answers to an amorphous definition of "good"; where he ranks in the class is most important.
RBI are opportunistic; RBI are a team stat and are not indicative of a player's ability.
In 1985 Don Mattingly had a great year. The Yankees often batted Rickey Henderson first and Mattingly second. Henderson was having an even better year than Mattingly, reaching base 42% of the time and putting himself in scoring position constantly thanks to his 28 doubles, five triples, and 80 stolen bases--the last of which cost the Yankees only 10 caught stealing. At his peak, Henderson was the rare player where the rewards of stealing handily outweighed the risks. Hitting .324/.371/.567 behind this on-base dynamo, Mattingly drove in 145 runs and won the MVP award.
The next year, Mattingly was even better, improving his numbers to .352/.394/.573. Oddly, he drove in 32 fewer runs. The problem was Henderson, who saw his OBP drop to .358 in 1986, meaning he was on base less often. Better Mattingly + Worse Henderson = fewer RBI opportunities for Mattingly. If RBI were an expression of a player's ability, we should hold the shortfall against Mattingly despite his being better than the year before. That doesn't make much sense.
Stolen bases don't matter all that much.Wade Boggs was a terrific leadoff hitter stealing two bases a year. Vince Coleman, a contemporary, was nearly useless stealing 100 a year. Rickey Henderson and Tim Raines would have been among the best players in baseball had they never stolen a base in their careers. Boggs, Henderson, and Raines all "manufactured" runs, to use a term favored by the conservatives, by finding ways to get to first base. Coleman couldn't get to first base at the Annual Cotillion for Semi-Inebriated Cheerleaders Who Are Really, Really Turned On By Ballplayers. Speed is value-added in a player, but not in and of itself a reason to put someone in the lineup (see Endy Chavez).
Then there's the home-run era that we've been living in more or less continuously since 1920. Say your team has a runner on first base in a game at Coors Field. Most often, there is really very little to be gained by having your runner attempt to move up one base, at the possible cost of a caught stealing, when the next hitter has every chance to hit the next pitch out of the ballpark.
If you're playing at Pac Bell, where everyone except Barry Bonds has trouble hitting for power, then the stolen base becomes more valuable--but that's what pinch-runners are for.
The main function of the batting order is to distribute plate appearances.
Over the course of a season, the leadoff hitter is going to bat more often than the number-two hitter, the number-two hitter is going to bat more often than the number-three hitter, and so on, and the leadoff hitter is going to bat a lot more often than the number-nine hitter. If you make Neifi Perez your everyday leadoff hitter, he is going to play more than any other player on your roster, including Barry Bonds. We leave the question as to whether that's a good idea or not up to you.
A strikeout is just another out.
Each batter is presented with fewer opportunities to advance a runner from second to third with a grounder than you might think. Each hitter gets fewer chances to hit a sac fly than it appears. There are, however, quite a lot of opportunities to hit into a double play. These things tend to come out in the wash. In any case, strikeouts correlate with power. That's your trade-off for home runs. Mickey Mantle used to regret the number of times he struck out, but he also said that if he hit like Pete Rose he would wear a dress. That's a pretty good summary of the trade-off inherent in cutting strikeouts.
Placing good bats on the right side of the defensive spectrum is one of the keys to winning.It's that 'my shortstop is better than your shortstop' thing again. It's harder to find a good hitter that can play up the middle than it is, say, a right fielder. Take two teams at random, both run competently. Both are going to have right fielders and first basemen that are roughly comparable, but only one is going to have Derek Jeter at short. At the tail end of their championship run, the Yankees were getting relatively poor production from all four corners. They so outdistanced the competition at catcher, short, center field, and (sometimes) second base that they won anyway.
The 27 outs of a ballgame are precious. Managers should not give them away lightly.Again, each ballgame has a life of exactly 27 outs. Bunting away outs is a bit like smoking cigarettes--you're hastening the end. The sacrifice bunt is a tactical tool. You deploy it when it's obvious that it will win you a ballgame. Some managers make a fetish of it, failing to recognize that even their worst hitter--Einar Diaz, say--has a 30% chance of reaching base, thus prolonging an inning long enough for a real hitter to come to the plate. When the bunt sign is on, that chance drops from 30 to zero.
A player's offensive and defensive contributions must be in balance.
Over the course of the season, your great defensive shortstop saves 10 more runs that the average shortstop would have missed but creates 15 fewer runs with the bat than that same average shortstop does. You're down five runs.
The odds are on the closer's side.
In most cases, the difference between the best and worst closers in terms of save percentage is quite small. That's because with only three outs to get, a closer has a tremendous advantage. Tony Gwynn comes to bat against Dickie Noles. Against the league, Tony is hitting .350. Against Dickie, he's a .450 hitter, which is to say that Dickie still gets him out 55% of the time.
plus tax and tip
it's about time: Brooklyn finally gets its first Restaurant Week. $18.98 gets you a 3-course meal at a litany of fine dining establishments all over the borough. t.s.o.a. can highly recommend the following: Rose Water (Park Slope), Madiba (Ft Greene), A Table (Ft. Greene), Superfine (DUMBO) and Relish (Williamsburg). at the top of our list of places to check out are Alma, Thomas Beisl, Miss Williamsburg (which jumped on the list after seeing their lasagna on Tyler's Ultimate the other day), and Downtown Atlantic.
also, Coney Island officially opened over the weekend. the wife and i will be braving the projected cold weather to ride the Cyclone if anyone else feels up to the trip. a stop at Totonno's could be in the cards as well.
April 06, 2004
inside the lines
observations from a weekend where everything was put on hold for sports:
fantasy baseball draft weeekend has replaced Christmas as the one time per year i get so excited that it's hard to fall asleep.
i've gotta stop going to early season games in outdoor parks in the northeast. sunday night's RedSox-Orioles game was in the high 20s with a whole lotta wind. just completely uncomfortable. the pretzels we bought outside the stadium were rock hard by the time we sat down to eat them. the grease from my cheesesteak congealed so fast that i almost couldn't finish it. after sitting for 6 innings, Dan and i were both amazed at how stiff our knees were when we got up to meet some other friends. Dan's grandmother kiddingly told him before the game to brink some whiskey - he really should have. still, it was nice to be at the opening game, but the temps at Shea next Monday better be a little more hospitable.
this might be the best time of year for sports. you've got a new baseball season, the men's and women's Final Four, the Frozen Four (NCAA Hockey finals for the uninitiated), the NHL playoffs (much more exciting than the regular season), the NBA playoffs coming up soon, a new MLS season (worth checking out Freddy Adu), the Masters, etc. my eyes are already glazing over.
i don't often win money betting on sports (still owe you that night at the Brick, Matt!), but i did pretty well with the NCAA tourney this year winning our local Brooklyn pick pool picking UConn, plus having the most overall victories, and finished 3rd out of 75 people - good for $75 - in another pick pool that i might have won if Kansas could have beat Georgia Tech last weekend. hooray for me.
the Smithereens' "Blow Up" was a really terrible album.
April 02, 2004
public service
don't forget people: daylight savings time begins at 2am this saturday night/sunday morning. we all lose an hour of sleep, but the sun will start staying out well into the evening now. our daylight savings time resolution is to start getting in/out of work earlier to enjoy the extended light and get some well earned Vitamin D.
blowing off steam
as i prepare to hit the road the landslide of fantasy baseball on the docket this weekend, here's an article that delves into how people spend their friday nights around the world. that 11pm closing time for the pubs in England is complete bollocks.
tidying up
t.s.o.a. is dusting off the rarely used product endorsement shoes this morning to extol the virtues of Spybot Search & Detroy, a terribly helpful program that fixes a lot of problems caused by the rampant internet surfing anyone reading this is obviously engaged in. making it even better is that it's free and it kicks the crap out of AdAware and any other program someone might dupe you into paying for. if you're bothered by excessive pop-up ads, if your computer has become slow for no apparent reason, if you've had your home page hijacked or if you've found weird programs running on your computer, this program is really worthwhile. even if you haven't noticed anything untoward going on, you'd probably be surprised at what's been buried deep within your cookies and registry. i run this program on all of our computers in the office and have recently used it to help out some friends who were having problems.
quick instructions: download the program; donate a nominal amount if you're feeling nice; run the installer, then start the program (you'll have the find the English flag to get it in the proper language); before you hit the "check for problems" button, use the "search for updates" feature and install the updates that it finds; now run the problem check and when it's done (2-10 minutes depending on your machine) tell it to fix the problems it found. you can get more information about what it finds if you're curious. i also recommend running the immunize feature, which will help prevent problems down the road by blocking products whose intentions are less than honorable.
feel free to e-mail me with any questions you might have.
April 01, 2004
prankalicious
the april fool's day nonsense is getting a bit out of hand. when baseball prospectus is running multiple "funny" articles, it might be time to reassess the whole thing. besides, the best prank of all time already happened recently when that guy covered everything in his friend's apartment with aluminum foil. how can you top that?
used without permission
i was always a fan of the standard litany of childhood pranks: tacks on the seat, tying shoelaces together, leaving fake notes for your friends that were supposedly from whatever crush they had, TP-ing houses. there was a fairly serious phase of prank calling too, and some mailboxes that may have exploded (can that be considered a prank, or just wanton destructiveness?). but my downfall is that i always want to be there to see the person's reaction and revel in my own cleverness. it would kill me not to know how things transpired. this is one reason i could never be any sort of suicide bomber. even if i believed in a cause seriously enough to consider it, i wouldn't be able to take missing out on the aftermath.
one Halloween a friend and i put out a bowl of candy in front of his house with a sign saying "Please Take 1" knowing full well that the first pack of kids would likely try to empty the whole thing into their bags and take off. meanwhile we were waiting in the bushes with a hose so we could douse the selfish little bastards. a couple groups of small kids came along and abided by our sign, but finally some older kids thought they had found the motherlode. before i even had a chance to yell "now!", my friend had leapt from the bushes without the hose, instead yelling "what do you think you're doing?" they freaked out understandably, and the lead kid tried to hide behind a "we just took 1" defense. but they remained bone dry (at least on the outside of their costumes), and we never did end up soaking anyone.
better was the time a pack of us found a stray STOP sign amidst some construction equipment and dragged it into the middle of a fairly busy street. from our hidden vantage point, we howled with delight as cars actually tried to obey the signs command, despite the lack of an intersection or other reason for the sign's placement. hi-larious.
view the top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of all time, and more pranks from the folks at RE/Search.
escensual?
i'm sorry i'm laughing at this, but something about that little pink triangle is just too much.
trashed
New York City finally resumes its full on recycling program today with the return of glass recycling and pickups on a weekly basis. this is especially heartening given the amount of beer and pickles consumed in the t.s.o.a. household.
the cutbacks made two years ago were supposed to save money, though that ignores the fact that NYC has to pay other states to take our trash since Fresh Kills closed. less recycling = more trash = higher costs. not to mention how it helps to reinforce the city's image as a trash haven where dumpster juice flows through the gutters at all hours. the idea of charging people based on the amount of trash they produce is great, and would actually make people pay attention to their recycling habits as well as the packaging of the products they buy. of course, it's a challenge when you have so many multi-family dwellings, but it's worth looking into in order to save the city money that could be better spent on a 2nd Avenue subway or making sure thousands of 3rd graders aren't held back in school.
g-men, g-spot, g-shock....
sometimes, things get to looking a pretty gray: the weather sucks, your favorite team's shortstop is going to miss the first month of the season, Iraq continues to resemble the 7th level of hell, et. al. but inevitably, something comes along to brighten things up, and today that thing is GMail, Google's new e-mail service which promises 1GB (!!) of free e-mail storage and advanced searching capability. it's still in the test phase, but you better believe t.s.o.a. will be all over this once it's officially launched. the fact that 15 rapid-fire copies of the same spam messages have been inundating our accounts over the last few days makes the choice that much easier. the fact that the service will include "relevant text ads" is slightly worrisome, but Google has always been at the forefront of unobtrusiveness, so we doubt it will become a problem. a few of the more exciting parts of the FAQ:
*Gmail automatically groups an email and the replies to it as a conversation. That means you always see a message in its proper context.
*Your email should never be held hostage by a service provider. In the future you will be able to access Gmail messages from non-Gmail accounts for free or at a nominal fee.
now, the struggle to come up with a clever user name.