the shrewdness of apes

WANTED
For Crimes Against Humanity

Name: Old Man Winter
Description: Old, male, long flowing white hair, blustery disposition. Possibly related to Mother Nature and/or God.
Accusations: Conspiracy to extend Winter beyond its natural length; Serial Snowfall; 11 million counts of Freezing Asses Off; 17 counts of Nuisance Wind Gusting; Failure to Alter School and Work Days; Indirectly Rendering Local Newscasts Even More Laughable.

Possible Accomplices:

Canada - Largely worthless northern landmass suspected of housing and nuturing large supplies of frigid air with help from pal "Jet Stream".
Great Lakes - Small timers who flex a lot of muscle in Chicago, Cleveland, Buffalo, etc. Suspected of seeding clouds to produce snow. Also suspected of foul play in the 1975 wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald.
Gulf of Mexico - Viewed as likely source of moisture fuel for Mr. Winter's many storms. Reportedly volatile under the influence of "Arctic Air".
Sir August de Wynter - Previously convicted in Remaketeering scandal of 1998.
El Nino - No one yet knows exactly what his role in the system is. While indications are that he tends to raise temperatures slightly in the NE, we're certainly keeping a close eye on his actions.

Suspects are considered armed, dangerous and cold as a witch's tit. Your best defense is to look skyward, raise a fist and bellow "Damn you, snow!!" If you have any information that could lead to the successful prosecution of this crime ring, please call (877) SNO-BLOS.