the shrewdness of apes

the phone rings at 8:30pm last night and almost before i can eke out a "hello" the software on the other end kicks in and a digitized man is bellowing "hi, this is Bill Ritter from WABC and we're asking you to spend about a minute answering some questions for us."

super. a chance for me, the little guy, to make my voice heard. to have a say in shaping the American political landscape by being lumped in with a couple thousand other demographically diverse people who are capable of pushing a few buttons on their phone. and then the lies started.

now i wasn't intentionally trying to skew their results, but i know how these things work and if i didn't want to be cast down with the "undecideds" and the "unregistereds", decisive action was necessary. so lie number 1: "are you registered to vote in New York?" sure thing, Bill! ok, so i'm not registered, but i did try to register when i got my New York driver's license a few years back, but the paperwork never got processed for some reason, which is less surprising every time i have deal with a government agency in this city.

lie number 2: "are you registered as Republican, a Democrat, or as an independent or with another party?" Democrats all the way! yes i tried to register as an independent during my failed attempt to become a full member of the electorate, but i hardly see how that's relevant here. independents don't get to vote in primaries and no one cares about them until November.

lie number 3: "how likely are you to vote in the upcoming primary?" very likely apparently. after all, many of the poll results are often given as such: "well, among likely voters, Dennis Kucinich appears to be about as popular as a $100 handjob." and i am jazzed up about these elections - i think a Kerry/Edwards ticket can blow bush out of the water, but the truth is that the nomination may be all but sewn up by then rendering the voting process significantly less exciting. so not only am i not registered, and not a Democrat, but i might not vote even if i were.

then there was the last question, which was prefaced by Bill telling me "we know this question is sensitive to some people, but in order to make sure we are accurately representing the New York City area, please tell us if you are: 1) Hispanic/Latino/Mexican; 2) African-American; 3) Caucasian; 4) Asian-American or some other race?" why are all other races lumped in with people of Asian descent? that doesn't seem horribly scientific. but this one i answered truthfully.

sorry, Mr. Poll Designer. i know you do your best to make these mean something, and to eliminate the kind of error and unreliability i introduced, but i couldn't help myself. but i'll watch for the results tonight at 6pm on NewsChannel 7! and don't worry, by the time November rolls around, i'll be a card carrying Democratic voter, ready to exercise his right to choose those who will represent his interests. after all, there's a first time for everything, even if this will be the second time a bush loses out after only 1 term.