the shrewdness of apes

do you ever hear someone's phone number and think to yourself, "wow, that's a great number?" what makes certain combinations so aesthetically and euphonically pleasing? the advent of 10-digit dialing has certainly reduced the pleasure of the sing-songy lilt of the button tones (beep-beep-boop-beep-boop-boop-beep, etc.) and the cadence of a number said aloud. but screw the area codes, those 7 numbers are extremely important - they are an identity indelibly associated with those to whom they are attached. live long enough, and you'll find at least a handful of people who share your birthday. but the odds of meeting someone with the same phone number is much smaller.

i've moved around a lot my whole life, and somehow my brain has managed to retain an inordinate percentage of the phone numbers that i could call my own, so i thought it might be fun (for me) to dissect them and maybe decide which were the best. in terms of personal biases, may favorite numbers <10 are 2, 7 and 8, i've always preferred even numbers to odd, and i'm a sucker for both patterns and randomness. these are presented here in chronological order. buckle up folks! (and to find out what your phone number might spell, click here).

392-5716 - the first number that i remember, we had this one for three years in Utah. it rolls out of the mouth perfectly even 20 years later and is probably responsible for my love of phone numbers that contain no repeating digits (as only 6% of them do). grade: A

622-1638 - maryland wasn't nearly so kind, dishing out this monstrosity which ranks low depsite five even numbers. the back-to-back 2s (say it: "two two") followed by a 1 are too much even for the final 8 to redeem. grade: D

384-2550 - 384 was OK, but this was before i knew a lot of other people with the same exchange. later, in high school with a completely different number, the 384 people had a camraderie from their common bond that was a little intimidating, even though our family could probably have been grandfathered in. bonus points for the 25/50 thing going on at the end. grade: C+

479-4878 - back to Utah, and some confusion. this one is a lot better to say than it is to look at. 7s are great, but as only one of two numbers with two syllables, too many of them can throw off the whole meter. grade: C

593-3793 - ooh, all odd numbers! i dig that. it makes a cool pattern when you dial it (note: rotary dialing excluded), but it would be slightly better without the consecutive 3s. grade: B-

421-4446 - i know what you're going to say: "the same number twice in a row is bad, but three times is good?" and you've got a point, but there are no hard and fast rules here. the 4-2-1 step down is nice, and then the trifecta after that just pounds the theme into those copper cables. and the 6 makes sure the right side of the keypad doesn't feel left out. grade: B

568-5682 - college. 5-6-8 spells JMU which was important for those students who couldn't remember their own phone number but who could at least remember the (abbreviated) name of their school. that i got it twice in a row was just dumb luck. i had a different 568 number the next year, but it didn't stick (Marc: any help?). no matter. grade: F

432-1646 - this one came with the off-campus house we moved into, so it was already mildly famous when i inherited it. love the countdown to kick it off. perhaps the 6-4-6 was a portent that three of us would end up living in NYC? yeah, so we live in brooklyn. selective interpretation works for economists, so why not here? fun fact: it's conceivable that my name is still on the bill for this number if it's attached to the same house. though if our billpaying legacy remained, i'm sure the number has been cut off and changed at least 2 or 3 times by now. grade: A-

342-6243 - palindromes are fantastic just on principle unless they're like 551-6155 or something, but this is really similar to the previous one and that takes it down a notch. grade: B+

332-3734 - pretty similar to the previous one again, except for the 7 which is a welcome addition. four 3s, though? no thanks. however, i just rememberd that this one spells out "feces, eh" which can't be discounted, especially when pronounced with a Canadian accent. grade: C/B+

789-0596 - gag me. even with the nice sequential opening run, this one just has nothing going for it. grade: D+

837-4288 - finally, a number to stop the grading free fall. change the second 8 to a 6 and this would be killer. but aside from the overall quality, it's also the first number that the wife and i have shared together. grade: A-

there's certainly some that i left out (the odd cell #, places i crashed for a few weeks or months, that year in Alexandria when i was never home), but they are either forgotten or not worth mentioning, so we'll just give them all a C- and be done with it.