the shrewdness of apes

as many of you know, t.s.o.a.'s quality of life greatly improved the day we found out that our company let employees borrow company cars for weekends. for only $25 for the whole weekend (+ gas, tolls, etc.) we can avoid the wait for buses and escape the rest of the ants burrowing through the underground tunnels. for a new yorker, access to a free or cheap car when you need it can be invaluable. it's especially handy when you live out in the boonies. not only can you escape the city, but you can stock up on groceries, haul a group to the bowling alley, take the dog to the dog park, and just generally live it up. that they don't have to be returned with a full tank of gas is a major bonus in these days of serious oil price gouging. while the natural shortness of the weekend (with the occasional 3-day variety thrown in) limits how far you can drive and still get back by 9am monday, i've managed to complete successful hauls to D.C., Philly, Vermont, Boston, and even Pittsburgh over the past couple years.

now, these company cars are not the most stylish things on earth. the company needs them to be functional first and foremost and because we're an evironmental organization, things like gas mileage take precedence over form and color. for a while, we had one the gas-electric hybrids which was great and even moderately sporty. unfortunately, a co-worker totaled that one late last year (he was fine, and our insurance covered most of it), leaving us with nothing but a fleet of minivans available. but dammit, i love those minivans, even the one with the radio that doesn't work.

they're reliable - in the thousands of miles i've logged, the broken radio is as serious a problem as i've encountered. (yes, that first trip to Pittsbrugh was a little dicey, but that Aerostar has since been retired).

they get good gas mileage - trips to DC and back usually require only 1 fill 'er up if there's a full tank when we set out. average cost <$25 if you can get it oustide a major metropolitan area - oddly, the NJ Turnpike often has the best gas prices, even if they won't let you pump your own.

they're roomy and comfortable - it's always nice to be able to fit five or six people without making them submit to contortions. there's plenty of room up front for storage/drinks/CDs. and the high seats make you feel like you have a better view and are safer, even if that's an illusion.

they lack flash - especially important for those like me who live in the area 10-20 mph above the speed limit. cops are seriously more likely to pull over cars and trucks that look like they *should* be going fast. seems like the cars i usually see pulled over are BMWs, Miatas or bloated SUVs, while the police give me nary a second look.

they're low key - like it or not, cars send a message to those around you: a man over 50 in a two-seater screams "mid-life crisis"; a 16 year old with an Escalade screams "spoiled brat"; a caped crusader with flames shooting out the back of his car screams "Batman". get in a minivan, and most people think it's going to be some soccer mom or weenie dad with a passel of rowdy hellions watching Spongebob in the back seat. this lack of expectations works to your advantage in that there's no pressure to match the "coolness" factor of the car. since they're inherently uncool, observers are likely to end up scratching their heads when 6 moderately hip 25-32 year olds clamber out to hit the free pickle bar at Roy Rogers.

they're sturdy - should the unthinkable happen and you are involved in an accident, you stand a much better chance of walking away, even if you come up against some behemoth Hummer whose driver is talking on three cell phones and conducting a videoconference.

so give it up for the minivan. the wife and i will be enjoying one over the long weekend, so if you see us, give us a wave (if you thought i was going to say "give us a brake" go back 3 spaces).