the shrewdness of apes

t.s.o.a.'s new pet project for self/world improvement is to bring the phrase "you're welcome" back into regular use. we fix a lot of problems for people at work and have found ourselves lapsing into lazy and undignified responses when people offer their thanks for our help. "no problem", "you got it", "don't worry about it" and "that's OK" are all to often traipsing out of our mouths when a simple "you're welcome" would work perfectly. a cursory survey of other people found a similar pattern of language being used. especially horrific is the following of "thank you" with an emphatic "thank *you*" which is just completely undecorous. who's with us?

Posted by Jamie at 02:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

at around age 14, my family was at an amusement park. i forget which one, but i think it was Hershey Park. anyway, while in line for a ride my brother and i see this kid with his family. he's a bit younger than us and a lot overweight with a terrible haircut, but what we mostly notice about him is his shirt. it was a plain white shirt with a picture of the Fonz on it. his arms were out at casual right angles to his torso, giving the thumbs up and underneath the picture sat the simple caption "aaaaaayyyyyyy!" well, we couldn't contain ourselves not one bit. this was obviously the funniest, most out of place thing we had ever seen and we spent the rest of the day mimicking the pose and doing our best "aaaaaayyyyyyy"s, cracking each other up every time. we both felt kind of sorry for the kid, since we figured he didn't have any better shirts to wear, but his family had sprung for the entrance fee so how bad off could they be?

now though, i think about it and i wish i owned that shirt. the ironic humor levels are off the chart and it would fit right in with the #1 Dad/Mariners shirt (thanks Shawn!), the Born to Ump shirt (thanks, bro!) and my old Ann Taylor staff shirt. the wife decided to do an unannounced purge of my dresser recently and it was only by the slimmest of margins that i was able to rescue the Ann Taylor shirt from the scrap heap. sure the lettering has faded and the collar is frayed, but i've gotta be one of <25 men on earth who owns one and i'll be damned if i'm gonna give up a part of my identity so easily. i'm not sure exactly what message that shirt conveys about me, but whatever it is, i like it. anyway, i hope that kid still has the Fonz shirt and scores big points with his hipster friends when he wears it out.

the sad coda to this story is that Henry Winkler remains the biggest celebrity sighting i've had since moving to NYC over 4 years ago (seeing Spike Lee's brother constantly at O'Connors rates just behind eating in the same sushi restaurant as Patti Smith and watching a movie in the same theater as David Cross). he blew past me on the sidewalk outside the Virgin Megastore in Times Square one day. he was well out of earshot before i realized i should have told him to "sit on it".

Posted by Jamie at 04:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

today is the 10th anniversary of the death of Bill Hicks, my favorite comedian - though that word doesn't seem broad enough to describe him. he was wildly funny, but he was also hyper, caustic and bitter as hell. he had no problem blowing past acceptable limits of what could be said or depicted, and while it may have been occasionally uncomfortable to watch, he was rarely boring.

Flak marks the occasion by asking what Bill might make of America today. here is Bill's posthumous website. he died of pancreatic cancer, so, umm, be good to your pancreas.

Posted by Jamie at 03:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

honey is constantly being added to products that need no improvement: mustard, wheat bread, ham, butter, cough syrup. sometimes, i just want a plain ham and cheese sandwich, or some regular mustard to dip my nuggets into. honey is fine for tea, or even pancakes, but please keep it out of my lunch.

and did you know that pastrami and corned beef are virtually the same thing? hell, i didn't even know pastrami *was* beef until a few months ago. i just assumed it was pork, but as it turns out it's the nitrates that cause it to become pink.

Posted by Jamie at 02:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (12)

in the "no news to us" category comes this revelation: new yorkers have the longest commute times, edging out Chicago, Philly, Riverside, Cal (?!) and Baltimore. tell us about it. the recently discussed subway service changes have cut about 10-15 minutes off our travel time, however. we'll take it.

Posted by Jamie at 06:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

isn't Nads simply the best name for a product ever? especially one that promises very painful hair removal? the site claims that it "looks like green toffee and can be used anywhere on the body.....just smooth on the gel and remove it with linen strips." oh, those wacky australians.

Posted by Jamie at 05:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

just got off the phone with the wife, who told me that was the amount of the check that arrived for me today from the Attorney General for the State of New York. this represents my share of the payout from the class action Compact Disc Minimum Adverstised Price litigation that accused and convicted the major CD companies of fixing prices in the 80s and 90s. all you had to do to stick it to the man was sign up on the website last year and affirm that you had bought at least one CD during the period in question. i had all but forgotten about this, but now i'm rolling in dirty corporate money! i hope there's a check waiting for you when you get home.

in other good news, 50 degree weather is coming to NYC.

Posted by Jamie at 05:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

have we not yet reached the saturation point yet with the penile enlargement pitches? i know this trend is lamented across the binary landscape of the internet, but do i really need to get 20+ of these things per day? is there some point after about 50,000 e-mails where eventually a person breaks down under the cross exam and cries out "you're right, i'm sorry! i've been living a lie! i am woefully inadequate!" and then sobs quietly to themselves as they order up the cream, gel, herb or pill du jour? sorry to sound like a bad stand up routine, but we all know they don't work, otherwise we'd have become a society of lumbering Ron Jeremys long ago.

i'm going to extrapolate on shawn's post from earlier this week and say that it's about time that we as a society stopped worshipping at the altar of cock size given that the individual has no control over it. perhaps it's time to rise up (heh) as one and declare "i'm comfortable with the size of my member, even if prudish social mores compel to me to refer to it as a 'member'!" that'll show 'em. after all, those breast enlargement creams from yesteryear have all disappeared and breast size is no longer a stronghold of insecurity. what's that? they haven't? oh for god sakes, people.

send your own SPAM by clicking here.

Posted by Jamie at 03:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

into the semi-lurid world of office politics. about a year ago, the behavior of some employees resulted in a stern series of warnings related to sexual harrassment being handed down by management. this may have been a remnant of that, although based on the first sentence, it may have been wirtten by Popeye. names were changed to match that theme.

September 15, 2003

Thank you.

bonus trivia: did you know that Popeye is "known as Iron Arm in Italy, Karl Alfred in Sweden and Skipper Skraek or 'Terror of the Sea' in Denmark"? also, "Popeye-brand canned spinach [is] the No. 2 brand behind Del Monte". tip o' the pipe to the King Features site.

Posted by Jamie at 01:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

the t.s.o.a. math corner is gonna work a couple things out here based on what we read in this article in today's NYTimes about Saudi oil production.

Saudi Arabia currently produces about 8 million barrels of oil a day, which is described as "roughly one-tenth of the world's needs". They also have a proven reserve of 250 billion barrels, which is "one-fourth of the world's total". OK, so that means that the world goes through about 80 million barrels a day, and that there are 1 trillion barrels out there to be harvested (this total is borne out in this Department of Energy chart).

if we go with these numbers on their face, we can see that 80 million x 365 = 29.2 billion barrels of oil used worldwide each year. 1 trillion barrels in reserves/ 29.2 billion barrels per year = 34.25 years before all that oil is gone.

this of course assumes two things: 1. that oil consumption does not rise - which it is projected to do; 2. that no new reserves are found - very unlikely given the motivation of oil companies and governements. but the kicker is that many billions of dollars need to be spent to locate and extricate those theoretical untapped reserves. but those dollars could just as easily go to developing technology that will allow us to stop using oil almost altogether, which seems pretty smart given that the oil is going to run out eventually anyway. even if we find more can we really expect to depend on it for more than the next 50 years? since we know this now, wouldn't this be the best time to prepare for an oil-free future?

the US Geological Survey estimates about 8 billion barrels of economically recoverable oil in the Arctic National Wildllife Refuge. that would extend the world's supply by 100 days at current consumption rates. insert righteous indignation here.

while researching this entry we came across this disturbing piece of knowledge: the group running the ANWR website is unabashedly pro oil development. what little information about the refuge exists on the site simply talks about very few people visit and how it is "unbearable cold and dark" for most of the year. it's not a refuge for people, you jackasses.

Posted by Jamie at 12:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

4 years ago, Ralph Nader galvanized a sizable number of voters (2+ million), especially those of my generation, to send a message which essentially boiled down to "politics sux". i think a lot of people, even Nader supporters, were surprised at how many people felt that they couldn't find a voice within the two party system. and Nader could have garnered a lot more support if many Democrats hadn't been worried about Bush winning which he didn't, but he did. i think this is largely the same group of people who pushed Howard Dean to the front of the Democratic class for a few months before his demented Iowa cowboy speech.

so now, in the face of super liberals Dean and Kucinich having been relegated to the dustbin, Nader is suiting up again to bring the government back to the people. too bad it's never going to happen, at least not this year. i like Ralph, and i think that he brings a lot of good issues to the table, but i think the last election cycle made pragmatists out of many idealists. certainly, the last 3+ years have taught the lesson that there are most certainly discrete levels of evil and that Bush is a couple rungs lower than maybe we thought.

this country was founded by government, not by business, and while neither Kerry nor Edwards would be a cure-all for the woes inflicted by corporate profiteers on our citizenry, neither would Nader, so let's just make sure that Bush is dispatched, OK?

Posted by Jamie at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

an all day staff meeting prevented me from looking at much today, but this entry from Banterist should be hilarious for anyone who lives in the NYC. i hope to be back to form next week.

Posted by Jamie at 06:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

version 1: it turns out that the Rangers knew that Alfonso Soriano is actually 28 and not 26 even before they traded Alex Rodriguez for him. regardless of your original opinion of the trade, this revelation totally skews it in favor of the Yankees. a 26 year-old coming off back to back seasons with 38+ HRs is a lot more valuable than an 28 year-old. besides just the two year difference, it is fairly well documented that many, many players have breakout seasons at age 26/27 after which they very rearely get much better than they already are. your real huge stars (like Rodriguez) put up bigger numbers earlier in their careers. so what did the Rangers get? a free-swinging 28 year-old player who has had two good seasons, but who isn't likely to get much better, who plays a cover-your-eyes second base and who is untested in the outfield. yes he's cheaper, but when you factor in the money the Yankees are saving on Soriano, Drew Henson and Aaron Boone (you like how he managed to fuck the Red Sox along with himself here? bastard.), it's not as big a difference as everyone wants it to be. read this for a better technical breakdown of the money involved. the moral? Tom Hicks is an idiot, but not for signing Rodriguez to his gargantuan contract. and the less said about John Henry's e-mail tirade, the better.

version 2: Colorado football coach Gary Barnett is informed that former placekicker Katie Hnida (since transferred to New Mexico, where she was the first female to score points in an NCAA football game), is joining the rush of rape claims against his team. after encouraging her to identify the attacker so that he can be prosecuted, he then went on to denigrate her kicking abilities, saying that she hadn't earned the respect of the male teammates (one of whom committed the alleged rape) because of her lack of skillz. how could he possibly see that as relevant to the conversation at hand? is it really possible for a man this dumb to coach a complicated sport like football and make millions while doing it? this ranks right up there with Bobby Knight's "if rape is inevitable, just relax and enjoy it" quip. the more the flashlight shines on college football and basketball, the uglier they keep getting.

Posted by Jamie at 01:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

a blast from the past courtesy of some recent cleaning. i don't remember what official duties Mr. and Mrs. Madison may have had, but I'm sure they were largely ceremonial. they weren't brokering any peace talks with UVA. at any rate, one day a guy in a dinosaur costume showed up and started handing out fliers. below is the transcript of each side (there was some random clip art and words like "digital orgasm" on it too, but i didn't bother to scan it).

“I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family!”

My name is Chris and these people want you to vote for me as Ms. Madison, but I am not on the ballot. I am fairly qualified. But I am in class. So call 433-XXXX. Please elect me as your Ms. Madison by joining our write in campaign.

alas, bumpo and chris were defeated and forced to return to their unassuming lives as film projectionists and radio djs. i'm sure chris pulled a fair number of prank calls for her trouble.

Posted by Jamie at 05:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

i am about to go get my haircut for the first time in 3 months. this is easily a record for me, enabled only by the fact that the wife has trimmed my neck hair a couple of times during this interval. yesterday, the official brother of t.s.o.a. claimed that i was looking like Will Oldham, which triggered a debate on whether Mr. Oldham was some sort of mongoloid. definitely time for a trim, then. i hope the boys over at Leo's are ready for me. i'm not sure how to handle the whole beard thing. last time, the guy guilted me into letting him trim it, which worked out great. this time, though, it's already in pretty good shape, so i don't know if i need to shell out the extra $$$. whatever. it will be nice just to not wake up looking like some kind of freak.

despite my feelings about getting up early, getting in to the office early (7:45!) and getting to leave early is always nice. at the least it gives me time for the haircut before dinner with my brother at the Chip Shop.

Posted by Jamie at 04:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

as many of you know, t.s.o.a.'s quality of life greatly improved the day we found out that our company let employees borrow company cars for weekends. for only $25 for the whole weekend (+ gas, tolls, etc.) we can avoid the wait for buses and escape the rest of the ants burrowing through the underground tunnels. for a new yorker, access to a free or cheap car when you need it can be invaluable. it's especially handy when you live out in the boonies. not only can you escape the city, but you can stock up on groceries, haul a group to the bowling alley, take the dog to the dog park, and just generally live it up. that they don't have to be returned with a full tank of gas is a major bonus in these days of serious oil price gouging. while the natural shortness of the weekend (with the occasional 3-day variety thrown in) limits how far you can drive and still get back by 9am monday, i've managed to complete successful hauls to D.C., Philly, Vermont, Boston, and even Pittsburgh over the past couple years.

now, these company cars are not the most stylish things on earth. the company needs them to be functional first and foremost and because we're an evironmental organization, things like gas mileage take precedence over form and color. for a while, we had one the gas-electric hybrids which was great and even moderately sporty. unfortunately, a co-worker totaled that one late last year (he was fine, and our insurance covered most of it), leaving us with nothing but a fleet of minivans available. but dammit, i love those minivans, even the one with the radio that doesn't work.

they're reliable - in the thousands of miles i've logged, the broken radio is as serious a problem as i've encountered. (yes, that first trip to Pittsbrugh was a little dicey, but that Aerostar has since been retired).

they get good gas mileage - trips to DC and back usually require only 1 fill 'er up if there's a full tank when we set out. average cost <$25 if you can get it oustide a major metropolitan area - oddly, the NJ Turnpike often has the best gas prices, even if they won't let you pump your own.

they're roomy and comfortable - it's always nice to be able to fit five or six people without making them submit to contortions. there's plenty of room up front for storage/drinks/CDs. and the high seats make you feel like you have a better view and are safer, even if that's an illusion.

they lack flash - especially important for those like me who live in the area 10-20 mph above the speed limit. cops are seriously more likely to pull over cars and trucks that look like they *should* be going fast. seems like the cars i usually see pulled over are BMWs, Miatas or bloated SUVs, while the police give me nary a second look.

they're low key - like it or not, cars send a message to those around you: a man over 50 in a two-seater screams "mid-life crisis"; a 16 year old with an Escalade screams "spoiled brat"; a caped crusader with flames shooting out the back of his car screams "Batman". get in a minivan, and most people think it's going to be some soccer mom or weenie dad with a passel of rowdy hellions watching Spongebob in the back seat. this lack of expectations works to your advantage in that there's no pressure to match the "coolness" factor of the car. since they're inherently uncool, observers are likely to end up scratching their heads when 6 moderately hip 25-32 year olds clamber out to hit the free pickle bar at Roy Rogers.

they're sturdy - should the unthinkable happen and you are involved in an accident, you stand a much better chance of walking away, even if you come up against some behemoth Hummer whose driver is talking on three cell phones and conducting a videoconference.

so give it up for the minivan. the wife and i will be enjoying one over the long weekend, so if you see us, give us a wave (if you thought i was going to say "give us a brake" go back 3 spaces).

Posted by Jamie at 05:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

one of the drawbacks to having a unisex name is coming across an attractive member of the oppsite sex who has the same name. it's fine if it's someone you meet at work or something, but if you're at a party or if it's a celebrity then it gets weird in a hurry. for instance, Jamie Lee Curtis was pretty hot in True Lies (i think - it was 10 years ago) but carrying that over to later fantasies or onanism was not an option because it simply didn't feel right to use one's own name in that context. maybe for narcissists, but that's it. likewise I couldn't meet someone and then try to call them later for a date ("hi jamie, it's jamie...") without sending myself into some sort of self-conscious catatonia.

i guess homosexuals must run into this problem with some frequency. how would you deal with being a relationship with someone who has the same name? it was confusing enough when we had two guys named Sean on my floor in our freshman dorm. i think we made one of them go by Robert or something.

along the same lines, it's so disappointing when you come across someone who shares your name that you don't like. it's fairly inevitable unless your parents decided to get a little freaky with your name, but it stings and you end up feeling a little less special, more common.

good Jamies: the aforementioned Ms. Curtis, Jamie Farr, Jamie Foxx, Jamie Moyer, Jamie Oliver
bad Jamies: Jamie from the original Big Brother, Jamie Kennedy, "Jaime" Pressly
jury's still out (but it's not looking good): Jamie-Lynn DiScala (nee Sigler)

this all started when i came across the name Urban Shocker (baseball player from the early 20th century) this morning and realized it might be the best name of all time.

-------

from lindsayism via TMFTML, a good lesson in the dangers of IM.

Posted by Jamie at 03:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

this just in from the t.s.o.a. traffic desk: the upper level of the 59th St. bridge is at a complete standstill going from Manhattan to Queens. everyone is advised to use the lower level or take the Midtown Tunnel.

Posted by Jamie at 01:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

t.s.o.a. exercised some rare good judgment and scrapped an earlier post/manifesto that was written during a solid seething session early this afternoon. perhaps it will pop up in another form someday, but for now just forget about it. let's do some links!

* sean weitner wrote a wonderful real-time breakdown of the first season of 24 for flak magazine. now he's back to break down the breakdown of the third season, which finally and permanently lost me after about the fifth episode. in addition to his main thesis that constant negation has worked to the show's detriment, i would submit that the show has gotten stale because of too much repetitiveness: kim's idiocy, sherry craftiness, pres. palmer's principled dignity, countles moles working at CTU, nina popping up in every plot, etc. really, if they want to continue the show, it might be good to bring in a new lead character and change the setting. (oh, and go buy flak's print edition).

* freaks and geeks fans rejoice! the limited edition, 8-DVD set is on sale now, and ships in april. it contains a bunch more stuff than the 6-DVD set that will follow (like jeff rosso and feedback live in concert!) and is limited to 25,000 copies. of course it's $120, which is a pretty big commitment at least all at once. then again, some of us do have a birthday coming up.....

* at first i was excited about this article from the morning news about the potential basketball arena in Brooklyn. but the reporter only talked to one old guy who lived in the neighbrohood who basically took him around and reminisced about what the neighborhood used to be like, while saying things like "There’s plenty of space on the waterfront. Build a trolley or shuttle if you have to." but why do that when you have the largest transportation hub in Brooklyn right there? then they talk about how wonderful the old warehouse buildings are, and yeah they have some charm, but for the most part they've been converted to luxury condos, so forgive me if i don't shed a tear for those who would be paid to move elsewhere. and he doesn't mention the most important factor (to me at least) which is that the most of the area where the arena would go is a complete eyesore and waste of space that just feels wrong and oddly desolate when you walk through it. bring on the arena, i say.

* finally, rob neyer makes some good points about using statistics in a column about the folly of trying to predict final standings in baseball.

Posted by Jamie at 06:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

wherein a young scholar (name changed) learns the value of imdb. to learn more about this series click here.

My Reaction to Marlee Matlin’s life is that even though she had disabilities with her hearing, she accomplished more than a lot of people and that spoke to me a lot. It shows that anyone can do whatever they set their mind to do. Not only was she talented but she also is a hot looking woman. She shows real character. She has accomplished a lot, received many awards, and is a very successful woman.

well, whether or not you agree that she is a "hot looking woman," that really has nothing to do with the rest of the last paragraph. unless by "character" he means "hooters". but the best piece of info about Ms. Matlin that he left out has to be this gem: "Was married in Henry Winkler's (the Fonz's) backyard." !!!!

Posted by Jamie at 06:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

a few years ago, there was study that showed how early high school start times worked against the natural biorhythms of teenagers, resulting in negative educational and even societal consequences.

having once again eaten too much indian food at lunch today, i got to thinking about some related topics:

* i am a night person, and i have been since high school. it's very simple: i am not peppy in the morning, even after 8-9 hours of sleep; yet when i only get 4-5 hours, i am usually not tired by midnight or 1am. i am fortunate to have a job that allows me to be flexible with my hours so while most people get here at 8 or 9, i am almost never here before 9:30 and rarely leave before 6. i've finally gotten over feeling bad about this, though i still get the "what, did you sleep here?" jokes anytime i'm in before 9.

* "experts" say that the midday meal should be the largest one that we eat every day and that nighttime eating should be kept reasonable. which is all well and good, except that even a moderate sized lunch makes me a bit drowsy. some sort of siesta would help, but it would also lenghten the work day, and i don't live close enough to go home and come back. but siestas have been shown to increase worker productivity and happiness, so why don't more companies use them?

* what i'm really dreaming of is a job where i only have to be in the office one or two days a week for meetings, etc. really, most everything i'm doing can be done at home, with e-mail and the phone. it doesn't have the immediacy of being "in the office", but it means i get to work when i'm going to be most productive (read: after the price is right ends), i get to reclaim my ungodly amount of commuting time, and i don't have to be subjected to numerous pain-in-the-ass co-workers. also, it makes one's schedule mouch more flexible for non-work related events. doctor's appointment? matinee? meeting with parole officer? no problem.

* as long as i'm dreaming, i'd also like a world without pollution, a summer without humidity and a World Series victory for the Red Sox.

Posted by Jamie at 03:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

yes indeed we won again. for the second month in a row, kaci, jim, marc and i owned dr. fact's night of fifty questions at Buttermilk getting 34 out of the possible 50 points for another 1 point victory. the questions got significantly harder this time around, but as marc mentioned we even managed to get one of the bonus questions exactly right. they asked "how many credit cards (bank and store) are there in North America?" i said 1 billion at first, then decided to go up to 1.2 billion. the answer: 1.2 billion. we couldn't believe it and it led to a free pitcher of beer and this exchange:

me: that just might be the proudest moment of my life!
Mary: umm, didn't you just get married?
me: that's a close second.

but enough gloating. well, maybe not - we were told that if we win 3 times in a row we might be asked to skip one in the interest of sharing the wealth (which at $224 was not insignificant). this time around let's focus on some of the questions we got right:

1. who was the first person to be given an honorary U.S. citizenship?
2. in what year was the first NY City Marathon run?
3. in what year did the first Wal-Mart open: 1952; 1985; 1929; or 1962?
4. what unique characteristic do the following words have in common: month; purple; orange; silver?
5. what is the longest word in English that does not contain any of the standard vowels: A, E, I, O or U (hint: it's 7 letters)?

click the continuation to see the answers...

1. Winston Chruchill
2. 1970
3. 1962
4. there are no words that rhyme with any of them
5. rhythms

thanks a lot to Chris and Mary for their support and the huge bag of popcorn. we'll be back on March 8 to see if we can hit the trifecta. think you can take us?

Posted by Jamie at 12:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

once again, Will Leitch has amazed me with the insightfulness and incisiveness of his writing. if you haven't bought his book i implore you to do so. it's worth it just for the first story that culminates with his appearance on Win Ben Stein's Money. but soon you'll find yourself smiling knowingly as you read on. more to the point, you'll simply find yourself, because it's nearly impossible not to find relevance to your own life in what he's writing. here's a bit from his most recent column about the nature of self:

You have to know what I'm talking about. Surely, the conversations you have with your parents are dramatically different than the ones you have with your significant other, just like those are different than the ones you have with your close friends, just like those are different than the ones you have with your co-workers, and on and on. You're shifting on the fly. You know when you get a phone call at work from someone who wants to talk about something personal that you're not comfortable discussing next to the big haired lady in accounting? That's two worlds colliding, right there. Which one is the real you? The easy answer is to say the personal one, but which role do you spend more hours a day playing? At what point does the performer become the individual? Does it even matter?

frankly, the mere thought that the "at work" version of myself might be the real me is chilling to the core (numerous daily blog postings aside). it's that sense of uneasiness that makes the fact that he will only be writing 7 more columns a decidedly mixed blessing.

Posted by Jamie at 04:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

once upon a time, the B and D trains ran to Brooklyn, over the Manhattan Bridge and then along separate paths before meeting up at Coney Island. the B cut through Boro Park and Bensonhurst, while the D (and its express cousin the Q) served Lefferts Gardens, Midwood and Brighton Beach. then, the gods of construction issued an edict that forbade these trains from traveling below the 34th St demarcation, leaving in it's wake a amalgam of V and W trains and Qs with diamonds and leaving the poor people near Grand St almost completely cut off.

but now the MTA has announced it's plan for putting the subway system back together again opening both sides of the Manhattan Bridge tracks for the first time in well over a decade. they could have made it easy on themselves and everyone esle by simply putting the B and D back along the routes that they use to traverse. instead, someone with a perverse sense of humor has decided to switch them. so the B became the W and is now the D. and the D became the Q-diamond and is now the B. this is simply bound to piss a lot of people off.

nonetheless, t.s.o.a. is counting down the days until the changes take effect, in the hopes that something (anything!) can shave some time off our 80-90 minute commute...each way.

Posted by Jamie at 03:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the phone rings at 8:30pm last night and almost before i can eke out a "hello" the software on the other end kicks in and a digitized man is bellowing "hi, this is Bill Ritter from WABC and we're asking you to spend about a minute answering some questions for us."

super. a chance for me, the little guy, to make my voice heard. to have a say in shaping the American political landscape by being lumped in with a couple thousand other demographically diverse people who are capable of pushing a few buttons on their phone. and then the lies started.

now i wasn't intentionally trying to skew their results, but i know how these things work and if i didn't want to be cast down with the "undecideds" and the "unregistereds", decisive action was necessary. so lie number 1: "are you registered to vote in New York?" sure thing, Bill! ok, so i'm not registered, but i did try to register when i got my New York driver's license a few years back, but the paperwork never got processed for some reason, which is less surprising every time i have deal with a government agency in this city.

lie number 2: "are you registered as Republican, a Democrat, or as an independent or with another party?" Democrats all the way! yes i tried to register as an independent during my failed attempt to become a full member of the electorate, but i hardly see how that's relevant here. independents don't get to vote in primaries and no one cares about them until November.

lie number 3: "how likely are you to vote in the upcoming primary?" very likely apparently. after all, many of the poll results are often given as such: "well, among likely voters, Dennis Kucinich appears to be about as popular as a $100 handjob." and i am jazzed up about these elections - i think a Kerry/Edwards ticket can blow bush out of the water, but the truth is that the nomination may be all but sewn up by then rendering the voting process significantly less exciting. so not only am i not registered, and not a Democrat, but i might not vote even if i were.

then there was the last question, which was prefaced by Bill telling me "we know this question is sensitive to some people, but in order to make sure we are accurately representing the New York City area, please tell us if you are: 1) Hispanic/Latino/Mexican; 2) African-American; 3) Caucasian; 4) Asian-American or some other race?" why are all other races lumped in with people of Asian descent? that doesn't seem horribly scientific. but this one i answered truthfully.

sorry, Mr. Poll Designer. i know you do your best to make these mean something, and to eliminate the kind of error and unreliability i introduced, but i couldn't help myself. but i'll watch for the results tonight at 6pm on NewsChannel 7! and don't worry, by the time November rolls around, i'll be a card carrying Democratic voter, ready to exercise his right to choose those who will represent his interests. after all, there's a first time for everything, even if this will be the second time a bush loses out after only 1 term.

Posted by Jamie at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

so i just got an e-mail containing the "latest issue of the Chunky(TM) Playbook newsletter, featuring the final rankings for another great season of Click for Cans(TM)." i'm not sure where this came from, as i do not recall clicking for cans within the past year, but hey, they got my e-mail address somehow. so i perused the rankings, which will result in 5 million cans of soup being donated, to see what i could learn from them. first, the Packers seem to most certainly be America's team these days more than doubling the contributions from Cowboys fans. second, the Giants kicked the Jets collective soup-eating asses. third, it would appear that people from the midwest were all over this contest. fourth, there's no way the Patriots would have been this high if they hadn't won the Super Bowl in 2002 and been good again this year (the 2004 season could only be so helpful, as the Panthers 25th place showing proves). fifth, can the Jaguars really be less popular than the Cardinals?

1. 673,089 Green Bay Packers
2. 501,120 Kansas City Chiefs
3. 352,701 Minnesota Vikings
4. 293,794 Dallas Cowboys
5. 235,063 New England Patriots

6. 191,612 Chicago Bears
7. 185,877 Philadelphia Eagles
8. 179,871 San Francisco 49ers
9. 176,496 Pittsburgh Steelers
10. 158,228 Cleveland Browns
11. 157,032 St. Louis Rams
12. 155,049 Denver Broncos
13. 138,518 Tennessee Titans
14. 120,169 Washington Redskins
15. 119,257 Detroit Lions
16. 110,743 New York Giants
17. 106,820 Houston Texans
18. 105,866 Miami Dolphins
19. 102,230 Cincinnati Bengals
20. 99,642 Indianapolis Colts
21. 91,750 Oakland Raiders
22. 91,324 Buffalo Bills
23. 84,625 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
24. 82,451 Seattle Seahawks
25. 80,128 Carolina Panthers
26. 71,462 Baltimore Ravens
27. 69,061 New Orleans Saints
28. 63,892 New York Jets
29. 53,198 San Diego Chargers
30. 52,624 Atlanta Falcons
31. 49,273 Arizona Cardinals
32. 47,035 Jacksonville Jaguars

Posted by Jamie at 11:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

a conversation came up at the bowling alley over the weekend - what's the lowest score you could get and still knock over all of the pins in each frame? the answer seemed to be 110: each frame starts with a gutter ball, followed by a 10 to pick up the spare. that gives you 90 heading into frame 10, and after going 0/10 again for 100, you have one last ball in which to knock down all the pins giving you a final score of 110.

on the other side of the coin, what's the highest score you could get without actually getting a strike? i think it's 199, going 9/1 in each frame and then going 9/1/9 in the 10th frame.

at any rate, i bowled pretty well, although i didn't get any strikes over 2 games. i did manage 7 spares in the second game though, topping out at 145.

Posted by Jamie at 10:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

do you ever hear someone's phone number and think to yourself, "wow, that's a great number?" what makes certain combinations so aesthetically and euphonically pleasing? the advent of 10-digit dialing has certainly reduced the pleasure of the sing-songy lilt of the button tones (beep-beep-boop-beep-boop-boop-beep, etc.) and the cadence of a number said aloud. but screw the area codes, those 7 numbers are extremely important - they are an identity indelibly associated with those to whom they are attached. live long enough, and you'll find at least a handful of people who share your birthday. but the odds of meeting someone with the same phone number is much smaller.

i've moved around a lot my whole life, and somehow my brain has managed to retain an inordinate percentage of the phone numbers that i could call my own, so i thought it might be fun (for me) to dissect them and maybe decide which were the best. in terms of personal biases, may favorite numbers <10 are 2, 7 and 8, i've always preferred even numbers to odd, and i'm a sucker for both patterns and randomness. these are presented here in chronological order. buckle up folks! (and to find out what your phone number might spell, click here).

392-5716 - the first number that i remember, we had this one for three years in Utah. it rolls out of the mouth perfectly even 20 years later and is probably responsible for my love of phone numbers that contain no repeating digits (as only 6% of them do). grade: A

622-1638 - maryland wasn't nearly so kind, dishing out this monstrosity which ranks low depsite five even numbers. the back-to-back 2s (say it: "two two") followed by a 1 are too much even for the final 8 to redeem. grade: D

384-2550 - 384 was OK, but this was before i knew a lot of other people with the same exchange. later, in high school with a completely different number, the 384 people had a camraderie from their common bond that was a little intimidating, even though our family could probably have been grandfathered in. bonus points for the 25/50 thing going on at the end. grade: C+

479-4878 - back to Utah, and some confusion. this one is a lot better to say than it is to look at. 7s are great, but as only one of two numbers with two syllables, too many of them can throw off the whole meter. grade: C

593-3793 - ooh, all odd numbers! i dig that. it makes a cool pattern when you dial it (note: rotary dialing excluded), but it would be slightly better without the consecutive 3s. grade: B-

421-4446 - i know what you're going to say: "the same number twice in a row is bad, but three times is good?" and you've got a point, but there are no hard and fast rules here. the 4-2-1 step down is nice, and then the trifecta after that just pounds the theme into those copper cables. and the 6 makes sure the right side of the keypad doesn't feel left out. grade: B

568-5682 - college. 5-6-8 spells JMU which was important for those students who couldn't remember their own phone number but who could at least remember the (abbreviated) name of their school. that i got it twice in a row was just dumb luck. i had a different 568 number the next year, but it didn't stick (Marc: any help?). no matter. grade: F

432-1646 - this one came with the off-campus house we moved into, so it was already mildly famous when i inherited it. love the countdown to kick it off. perhaps the 6-4-6 was a portent that three of us would end up living in NYC? yeah, so we live in brooklyn. selective interpretation works for economists, so why not here? fun fact: it's conceivable that my name is still on the bill for this number if it's attached to the same house. though if our billpaying legacy remained, i'm sure the number has been cut off and changed at least 2 or 3 times by now. grade: A-

342-6243 - palindromes are fantastic just on principle unless they're like 551-6155 or something, but this is really similar to the previous one and that takes it down a notch. grade: B+

332-3734 - pretty similar to the previous one again, except for the 7 which is a welcome addition. four 3s, though? no thanks. however, i just rememberd that this one spells out "feces, eh" which can't be discounted, especially when pronounced with a Canadian accent. grade: C/B+

789-0596 - gag me. even with the nice sequential opening run, this one just has nothing going for it. grade: D+

837-4288 - finally, a number to stop the grading free fall. change the second 8 to a 6 and this would be killer. but aside from the overall quality, it's also the first number that the wife and i have shared together. grade: A-

there's certainly some that i left out (the odd cell #, places i crashed for a few weeks or months, that year in Alexandria when i was never home), but they are either forgotten or not worth mentioning, so we'll just give them all a C- and be done with it.

Posted by Jamie at 04:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

elsewhere in sports, it was interesting to read on can't stop the bleeding yesterday the quote from a Sports Illustrated article about how the new steroid testing in baseball will lead to "more than a few spring training stories about players who 'took yoga,' 'lost weight,' 'changed diets,' 'cut back on weightlifting,' 'came in lighter,' 'wanted to be more flexible,' and other code words for cutting down on steroids and other illegal supplements."

similar phrasing had already appeared in a story about how Phil Nevin has dropped 30 pounds through yoga, pilates, etc. now comes today's NYTimes with this tidbit about Cliff Floyd:

Floyd has been working out regularly at a Miami hotel and said that with spring training approaching, he would wear spikes today for the first time since the injury. Floyd said he had been doing yoga and pilates exercises in an effort to be less bulky.

less bulky, eh? i'm very intrigued to see if power numbers drop this year if indeed fewer players are taking steroids. personally, i don't think that steroids contribute much to the increased run scoring and power in the game (which, by the way have decreased since their highs in 1996 in the AL and 2000 in the NL). steroids don't help you actually hit the ball, and that's the most important aspect of home runs. in fact, huge muscles could potentially be an impediment to bat speed, which in turn determines the speed of the ball when it is hit. certainly in some cases there seems to be an inexplicable jump in a player's power numbers (i'm looking at you, Steve Finley), but for the most part, i think that steroids contribute mostly to players just looking bigger and scarier.

Posted by Jamie at 01:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Judge Shira Scheindlin ruled against the NFL and in favor of Maurice Clarett today, saying that the NFL's rule barring players from the draft until they are 3 years removed from high school is an anti-trust violation. and just when the NFL was riding high with its efforts to get Playmakers canceled by ESPN.

this could have a major impact on the sport, but the weird part was the language that Judge Scheindlin used in the ruling:

"While ordinarily, the best offense is a good defense, none of these defenses hold the line," Scheindlin said in the ruling filed in U.S. District Court. "Because the NFL cannot prevail on any of these defenses, the rule must be sacked."

t.s.o.a. counts at least 3 bad sports metaphors in that statement. we can only imagine that the rest of the text is littered with phrases like "Clarett's legal team put a full court press on this case," "the NFL just didn't make plays when it needed to," and "i just try to stay within msyelf, not do too much, and take it one case at a time."

Posted by Jamie at 12:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

the NYTimes fans the flames of the technological divide today, with an article about how computer "geeks" are quickly tiring of the idiocy of those who unleash viruses by clicking on strange attachments or install spyware on their machines simply because they don't know any better. it goes on to describe the increasing exasperation of those who are called upon to help the clueless both at work and home:

Mr. Rubenstein, a member of the technical support staff at a New York City law school he thought it best not to identify, is not at liberty to dispense such advice at work. Instead, he answers endless calls about malfunctioning monitors that turn out not to be plugged in, and broken printers that start working again as soon as he removes the single piece of paper obviously jamming them.

these types of problems are very typical, at least in my office. i can't tell you how many times i've been called to someone's desk about a problem only to have it mysteriously disappear once i arrive, or to have things work perfectly when i try to recreate it. things not plugged in, or loose connections are the culprit more often than anything else. (as if to drive this point home, i just went to help someone who couldn't get a modem to dial out, only to discover that the splitter that his computer hooked into wasn't actually plugged into the phone jack, thereby explaining the lack of a dial tone. and to think that i almost got on the phone to Verizon to get them to send someone out here!).

meanwhile, there are those who simply won't trust themselves to be able to learn, retain and apply technological knowledge, exemplified by this quote:

"There are these MP3's and PDF's and a million other things that you don't even know what they are," Ms. Tauber said. "I don't feel like I need to figure out computers, because my instinct is there's just no way."

this woman is 24 years old, by the way, so she has no excuse about not growing up with computers or some such bullshit. sorry miss, but your instinct is completely wrong here. no one's asking you to build and program your own computer - just understand how it works a little bit. learn where it puts files in different circumstances so you can find them later. learn how to install programs properly. learn how to indenitfy harmful elements that might damage your computer, or make it more annoying. take steps to keep your computer in good working order, etc. would you buy and operate a car without some training in how to do it properly? of course not, yet people frequently pull a computer out of the box and expect it to magically perform to their expectations with no effort on their part.

the following is an exchange that transpired between a co-worker and I about 2 years ago:

her: [ambling over to my desk] jamie, how do i paste something into a document?
me: just hit control+V and it will place it wherever your cursor is.
her: oh right, thanks!

her: sorry, Jamie, is the shortcut for paste control+P?
me: [forehead vein throbbing, voice rising, sphincter tightening] no, it's control+V!! it's on the "edit" menu if you forget! [to myself] jesus f-in christ! what have i done to deserve this fate?

and this is an educated woman who had been a television producer. so she had to be familiar with problem solving techniques and troubleshooting. and yet in the face of technology she just decided that she didn't know anything and was therefore completely helpless on her own. she even saved all of her files on floppy disk because she couldn't figure out our very simple filing system on the file server.

at any rate, the point i want to make here is that it's really not that hard to learn a few basic things about your computer that will help improve your experience using it and prevent a host of problems from occurring. if you think that you just don't understand how they work, or that it's too much effort to learn, you are wrong. trust yourself - if you're smart enough to have earned enough money to buy a computer, you're smart enough to operate one successfully on your own. here's a good site that covers a wide range of topics.

Posted by Jamie at 12:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

no skit this week, rather a letter of a raw, rock'n'roll existence. and hey, loyal reader, if you have come across something that you think would be a good fit for this series, submit it to me and see your name in pixels. (and don't worry, i've got enough to last a while).

Dear oliver
whats up?? I havent talked to you in a super long time!! What have you been up to?? I Miss Talking to you. Whast new?? I got my septum pierced. I got a tatoo. I met KoRn like 3 x. I went to ozzfest for free and I saw System of a Down for free. Woohoo. I saw korn 3 X in concert in June. I saw Hatebreed and Meshuggah. Do you liKe a a band called diecast?? Well right now I am at work. I work at [my company]. Yeah, I have a black eye. I got it in an archenemy mosh pit! It was fun!! I am always goin to concerts and stuff. I’m gonna see soulfly soon too!Do you have a girlfriend yet? I hope so. How have you been doing in school? I am in high school now. I start school in like a month!! GrRRr !! I like summer time!! The only thing I am looking forward to is being able to wear my hoodie all day!! I love my Hoodie!! I have been to 67 concerts So far. I have also bee named the hardcore pit queen! Every time iam in amosh pit I always get people telling me how hardcore I am. The guys get a kick out of it because I Am so little and rough . I am getting into punk more now. I like hardcore a lot more too. I almost have enough money to get the drums that I wanted!! WoooHooo

Posted by Jamie at 11:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

1. the top story in the country revolves around the exposed breast of a 37 year old woman. Diane Keaton received accolades for exposing her breasts in a PG-13 movie, but a 1 second flash on network TV results in a tide of puritanism that seems to be driven purely by the shock and suddenness of the event and not by the fact that anyone really cared or was offended by it.

2. the bush administration now wants everyone think that they could read saddam hussein's mind, and that he had the intent to attack the US....some day. therefore our actions were justified, depsite the lack of support we had, and despite the fact that we're now looking for the UN to bail our asses out in setting up the new government.

3. Duke is #1 in men's college basketball and #2 in women's hoops (tho my boys at Utah St. are 17-1 and sitting at #24. go Aggies!).

4. Fox's new reality show - essentially "the bachelor" with little people - is being called a "celebration of diversity." ok, so it's the producer saying that but still.

5. a zoo in binghamton, ny is suggesting giving cockroaches as valentine's day gifts. a ridiculous gift for a ridiculous holiday.

6. ricin is confirmed to have been sent to the senate office building.

7. bobby knight in hot water again after yet another argument, this time with the school chancellor. actually t.s.o.a. has been in a bad mood ever since we found out that this prick was getting another job after running himself out of indiana.

8. the new federal budget calls for a 26% increase in defense and security spending, and virtually no increase in domestic spending. and if you thought the deficit was big already, peep this: the budget doesn't include any spending for the ongoing battles in Iraq or Afghanistan, so it's actually much bigger. meanwhile, average folks (like me) aren't seeing any extra $$$ in their paychecks.

9. it's raining. hard. someone else paid for my lunch, and tipped the wet delivery guy less than $1 (on a $16 total). unbelievable.

10. drew henson is leaving the yankees to play football. oh wait, that one makes me smile.

*UPDATE* (5:10pm)

11. just called home to find out that the rain has succeeded in partially flooding one of our closets. no major damage, but that's pretty much the lemon juice in the paper cut at this point.

Posted by Jamie at 04:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

with the coronation completed, baseball season officially begins. it has in college at least, even if the pros don't report for spring training for another two weeks.

in the baseball equivalent of the first robin of spring, Peter Gammons breaks down the AL East, complete with his goofy "2004 team song" (where he reaches for a serious Hendrix deep cut. "spanish castle magic?"), and a bizarre diversion into politics culminating in a plug for the Dropkick Murphys.

at least with the World Series, there's no halftime to fill with banal "entertainment," so the only breast-related controversy would be if morganna the kissing bandit came out of retirement (for a dirtier picture of morganna, click here).

Posted by Jamie at 03:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)