the shrewdness of apes

thinking about my 2003 movie list (surprisingly short), i remembered that for various reasons i never finished or posted my list in 2002. but following marc's lead of resurrecting old written pieces, i'm going to reproduce a portion of what i wrote here (note: this doesn't include any of my actual rankings):

The “Black Knight” Memorial Award - to "Juwanna Mann", about a NBA player who after being suspended pretends to be a woman and plays in the WNBA. This movie casts serious doubts on the credibility of numerous prominent entertainers. Among those who should never be taken seriously again - if they ever should have to begin with - after having agreed to appear in this movie are actors Vivica Fox, Kevin Pollak, Tommy Davidson and Kim Wayans; rappers Ginuwine and Lil’ Kim; basketball players Cynthia Cooper, Vlade Divac, Muggsy Bogues, Teresa Weatherspoon, Rasheed Wallace and Dikembe Mutombo; sportscasters Roy Firestone, Chris Myers and Kenny Albert; “Tonight Show” panderer Jay Leno; the Dahm triplets; and Lance Krall who plays a character termed “Asian Freak”. Hearteningly, this movie took in only $13.5 million, though that still means that close to 2 million people saw it.

The “Man, I could really use ‘Heathers 2’ Right About Now” Award - to Christian Slater, star of “Who is Cletis Tout”, which took in a whopping $133,000 this summer. Also leaving this film off their resumes: Tim Allen, Portia de Rossi, Richard Dreyfuss, RuPaul (well, maybe not).

The “$222 Million ‘Art’ Film” Award - to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” which opened at only $600,000 but went on to make a mint and spawn it’s own TV show coming soon to CBS. I hope John Corbett had a nice back-end loaded contract.

The “2762 Screens and Nothing On” Award - to “Rollerball”, which managed to take in only $18 Million total while playing in essentially every multi-plex across the country. Whereas “Y Tu Mama Tambien” brought in $13.6 million despite never playing on more than 286 screens (the same number as likely Oscar contender “Far From Heaven”).

The “This Theater Is Air Conditioned Right?” Award - to Dana Carvey’s universally reviled, not-heavily-promoted “Master of Disguise” which somehow made over $40 million after being released on August 2nd.

The “Face/Off” Award - to Adam Sandler as braying comedic jackass ($149.5 million) vs. Adam Sandler as nuanced, multi-dimensional actor ($17.7 million).

The “They’re Not Hot Enough to Sit Through That” Award - (tie) to Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears, whose “Enough” and “Crossroads” both had $17 million opening weekends before nose diving to total domestic grosses of $39 and $37 million respectively. Mandy Moore’s repugnant “A Walk to Remember” somehow beat them both, with $41 million.

The “Coming Soon, ‘Shrek 2’, ‘Beverly Hills Cop 4’, ‘Yet Another 48 Hours’, ‘The Nutty Professor 3’ and ‘Dr. Doolittle 3’” Award - to Eddie Murphy, whose “Showtime”, “Pluto Nash”, and “I Spy” grossed a collective $75 million. This narrowly edged “Showtime” co-star Robert DeNiro’s troika (“Analyze That” and “City By the Sea”) which have earned $88.1 million to date.

The “This Smacks of Socialized Medicine” Award - to “John Q” whose $71 million gross could have paid the health insurance premiums of about 12,000 families for a year (at $500/month).

The “Uh oh, More Socialism” Award - to “Maid in Manhattan”, whose $57 million gross to date could pay the yearly salaries of nearly 2300 maids (at $25,000/year).

The “Quantity is Quality” Award - to Warner Brothers, whose 26 releases this year included the aforementioned “Juwanna Mann”, “Showtime”, “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” and “A Walk to Remember” as well as the following wastes of celluloid: “Ghost Ship”, “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever”, “Queen of the Damned”, “Collateral Damage”, “Murder by Numbers”, “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood”, “Death to Smoochy”, “Eight Legged Freaks”, “Fear Dot Com”, “Analyze That”, and “Two Weeks Notice”. That’s a lot of crap (and a lot of Sandra Bullock). What’s bankrolling all of this dreck you ask? “Harry Potter 2: Electric Boogaloo” ($240 million) and the Linda Cardellini-wasting “Scooby Doo” ($153 million).

The “Loosest Greenlights In Town” Award - to Sony, another serial slop purveyor who foisted the following upon American audiences in 2002: “Slackers”, “Resident Evil”, “The Sweetest Thing”, “The New Guy”, “Enough”, “Mr. Deeds”, “The Master of Disguise”, “Stealing Harvard”, “Trapped”, “I Spy”, “xXx”, “Half Past Dead”, “Adam Sandler’s 8 Crazy Nights”, and “Maid in Manhattan”.

The “Rub One Out” Award - to “Amy’s Orgasm” released by Magic Lamp films.

The “Most Easily Adapted to Porn” Award - to “The Banger Sisters”. Runners-up: “The Mystic Masseur”, “The Cockettes”, “The Son of the Bride”, “Mostly Martha”.

The “It’s Not About What You Think It’s About” Award - to “The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys”.