the shrewdness of apes

i've just been given the list of Super Bowl advertisers, broken down by quarter for those who are looking to get their scorecard filled out early. no real surprises, but it's interesting that anheuser-busch is holding its reponsible drinking ads off until the 4th quarter. might be a bit late by then, huh guys?

SUPER BOWL XXXVIII ADVERTISERS

1ST QUARTER ADVERTISERS LENGTH AGENCY
Anheuser-Busch (Budweiser) 30-seconds DDB Chicago
Anheuser-Busch (Bud Light) 30-seconds DDB Chicago
Anheuser-Busch (Bud Light) 30-seconds DDB Toronto
America Online 30-seconds Wieden & Kennedy
DaimlerChrysler (Dodge) 30-seconds BBDO, Detroit
FedEx 30-seconds BBDO, N.Y.
General Motors (Chevrolet) 30-seconds Campbell-Ewald
H&R Block 30-seconds Campbell-Mithun
Mitsubishi 30-seconds Deutsch, N.Y.
Monster Worldwide 30-seconds Deutsch, N.Y.
PepsiCo 45-seconds BBDO, N.Y.
PepsiCo (Sierra Mist) 30-seconds BBDO, N.Y.
Schick 15-seconds JWT, N.Y.
Walt Disney/Touchstone 30-seconds In-house

2ND QUARTER ADVERTISERS LENGTH AGENCY
Anheuser-Busch (Budweiser) 60-seconds Goodby Silverstein
Anheuser-Busch (Bud Light) 30-seconds DDB Chicago
America Online 30-seconds Wieden & Kennedy
General Motors (Chevrolet) 30-seconds Campbell-Ewald
PepsiCo 45-seconds BBDO, N.Y.
PepsiCo 30-seconds Spike DDB
Philip Morris 30-seconds Young & Rubicam
Frito-Lay 30-seconds BBDO WW
IBM 30-seconds Ogilvy & Mather
Walt Disney/Touchstone 30-seconds In-house

FIRST HALF ADVERTISERS LENGTH AGENCY
Bayer/GSK (Levitra) 30-seconds Quantum Group
Procter & Gamble (Charmin) 30-seconds Publicis Worldwide
Visa 30-seconds BBDO, N.Y.

3RD QUARTER ADVERTISERS LENGTH AGENCY
Anheuser-Busch (Bud Light) 30-seconds DDB Chicago
Anheuser-Busch (Bud Light) 30-seconds DDB Chicago
Eli Lilly/Icos (Cialis) 60-seconds Healthy Grey Village
Expedia Inc. 30-seconds Deutsch, Los Angeles
General Motors (Cadillac) 60-seconds Chemistri
Gillette 60-seconds BBDO, N.Y.
Monster Worldwide 30-seconds Deutsch, N.Y.
PepsiCo (Sierra Mist) 30-seconds BBDO, N.Y.
Staples Inc. 60-seconds Martin Williams
Walt Disney/Touchstone 30-seconds In-house

4TH QUARTER ADVERTISERS LENGTH AGENCY
A-B (Reponsible drinking) 30-seconds DDB Chicago
A-B (Reponsible drinking) 30-seconds DDB Chicago
American Legacy Foundation 30-seconds Arnold Worldwide;
MasterCard 30-seconds McCann-Erickson
National Drug Control Policy 30-secondsOgilvy & Mather; Foote Cone
Belding
PepsiCo 30-seconds BBDO, N.Y.
Walt Disney/Touchstone 15-seconds In-house

SECOND HALF ADVERTISER LENGTH AGENCY
NFL (United Way) 30-seconds Young & Rubicam

ADVERTISERS W/O PLACEMENT LENGTH AGENCY
Sony Entertainment 30-seconds In-house
Sony Entertainment 30-seconds In-house
Universal Pictures 30-seconds In-house
Universal Pictures 30-seconds In-house
Warner Bros. 30-seconds In-house
Warner Bros. 30-seconds In-house

Posted by Jamie at 03:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

it's not often that a commercial comes along that can tickle the amazable portion of my psyche. but last night came the ad for the new pizza hut "4 for all", and i believe i was heard to utter "that's awesome" quite audibly. having recently sat through more than one debate concerning topping preferences inevitably leading to a "half with this, half with that" solution, i say it's about time. i'm sick of your picky ass determining what i end up eating. granted pizza hut doesn't make great pizza. and i doubt it will trickle down to to the standard NYC pizza joint any time soon, but Adam over at Slice has already tried one, even though he wasn't big on the concept.

more product development: diet coke w/ lime (thanks Matt!). i don't much care for the diet sodas, but i do applaud the willingness to look past the standard lemon twist to its more verdant cousin. hopefully the guys over at the knowledge for thirst will have a review soon.

Posted by Jamie at 02:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

i'm not sure if it's quite as awkward as having to tell your teammates that your were in a gay porn video but it's close: telling the story of your lost virginity to your wife (who is interrupting the always crafty thursday crossword puzzle). not that it's some painfully horrible memory, but i didn't really feel like getting into the who, when, where and how of it, and the further i got into the story, the weirder i felt. it happened, i learned from the experience, i moved on. the end.

Posted by Jamie at 12:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

courtesy of Jim, here's a tidbit about the 60-ton sperm whale that exploded on a busy street in Taiwan on it's way to be examined by marine biologists. after a cursory rundown of the events, the article takes an abrupt shift:

Once moved to a nearby nature preserve, the male specimen -- the largest whale ever recorded in Taiwan -- drew the attention of locals because of its large penis, measured at some five feet, the Taipei Times reported.

"More than 100 Tainan city residents, mostly men, have reportedly gone to see the corpse to 'experience' the size of its penis," the newspaper reported.

large penis? maybe they should call it a *spam* whale! [rim shot]

we must save its giant schlong!

Posted by Jamie at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

huge thanks to Mitch S. for forwarding the following link. i never knew that Eric Stoltz was signed up to play Marty McFly in "Back to the Future" before Michael J. Fox got the part. but these pictures don't lie.

great scott! even with the estimable talents of Crispin Glover and Huey Lewis involved, it just wouldn't have been the same without Mikey to deliver lines like "what the hell is a gigawatt?"

Posted by Jamie at 11:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

time is running out the catch "the perfect game: america looks at baseball" at the American Folk Art Museum as the exhibition ends on sunday. lots of great stuff including an amazing quilt that had autographs of most every star player from 1945-1970, a bizarre looking pete rose doll from the pre-bobblehead era, and some wonderful Ralph Fasanella paintings (the one of coney island in the lobby is a personal favorite).

other t.s.o.a. endorsed exhibits include John Currin at the Whitney (thru Feb 22nd; their collection of early 20th century work is worth seeing too), and Chuck Close at the Met.

Posted by Jamie at 11:31 AM | Permalink

"Mystic River" seems to be the polarizing movie of the year. reviled by many of my peers, it did tidy business at the golden globes and got numerous Oscar nominations. now the folks over at Flak Magazine go toe-to-toe over Clint Eastwood's weighty, perhaps overblown, drama.

"Unforgiven" was totally overrated in t.s.o.a.'s opinion, so we certainly won't be picking "Mystic River" for any awards on our Oscar ballot. but we will try to get a leg up on the contest by going to see all the nominated short films on February 22nd, sponsored by MoMa.

Posted by Jamie at 11:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

by popular demand, our skit writer returns for another educational tour de force. (for an explanation of where these come from click here):

Lead Poisoning Skit

ACT I

Pb: Hi, how are you? What’s your name?

ACT II

Baby: You’re so mean, Maria is okay but her mother takes her to the doctor a lot and she wishes she didn’t have to go. Where are you going now? You better stay away because I don’t want to get sick.

[END]

i love that lead is referred to by its chemical symbol and that we get some more backstory on the whole Maria situation. but i think the real surprise for me was at the beginning of ACT II when we find out that Baby is a boy. does that mean this is supposed to be an actual infant? or a more mature male named "Baby"?

Posted by Jamie at 12:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

thinking about my 2003 movie list (surprisingly short), i remembered that for various reasons i never finished or posted my list in 2002. but following marc's lead of resurrecting old written pieces, i'm going to reproduce a portion of what i wrote here (note: this doesn't include any of my actual rankings):

The “Black Knight” Memorial Award - to "Juwanna Mann", about a NBA player who after being suspended pretends to be a woman and plays in the WNBA. This movie casts serious doubts on the credibility of numerous prominent entertainers. Among those who should never be taken seriously again - if they ever should have to begin with - after having agreed to appear in this movie are actors Vivica Fox, Kevin Pollak, Tommy Davidson and Kim Wayans; rappers Ginuwine and Lil’ Kim; basketball players Cynthia Cooper, Vlade Divac, Muggsy Bogues, Teresa Weatherspoon, Rasheed Wallace and Dikembe Mutombo; sportscasters Roy Firestone, Chris Myers and Kenny Albert; “Tonight Show” panderer Jay Leno; the Dahm triplets; and Lance Krall who plays a character termed “Asian Freak”. Hearteningly, this movie took in only $13.5 million, though that still means that close to 2 million people saw it.

The “Man, I could really use ‘Heathers 2’ Right About Now” Award - to Christian Slater, star of “Who is Cletis Tout”, which took in a whopping $133,000 this summer. Also leaving this film off their resumes: Tim Allen, Portia de Rossi, Richard Dreyfuss, RuPaul (well, maybe not).

The “$222 Million ‘Art’ Film” Award - to “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” which opened at only $600,000 but went on to make a mint and spawn it’s own TV show coming soon to CBS. I hope John Corbett had a nice back-end loaded contract.

The “2762 Screens and Nothing On” Award - to “Rollerball”, which managed to take in only $18 Million total while playing in essentially every multi-plex across the country. Whereas “Y Tu Mama Tambien” brought in $13.6 million despite never playing on more than 286 screens (the same number as likely Oscar contender “Far From Heaven”).

The “This Theater Is Air Conditioned Right?” Award - to Dana Carvey’s universally reviled, not-heavily-promoted “Master of Disguise” which somehow made over $40 million after being released on August 2nd.

The “Face/Off” Award - to Adam Sandler as braying comedic jackass ($149.5 million) vs. Adam Sandler as nuanced, multi-dimensional actor ($17.7 million).

The “They’re Not Hot Enough to Sit Through That” Award - (tie) to Jennifer Lopez and Britney Spears, whose “Enough” and “Crossroads” both had $17 million opening weekends before nose diving to total domestic grosses of $39 and $37 million respectively. Mandy Moore’s repugnant “A Walk to Remember” somehow beat them both, with $41 million.

The “Coming Soon, ‘Shrek 2’, ‘Beverly Hills Cop 4’, ‘Yet Another 48 Hours’, ‘The Nutty Professor 3’ and ‘Dr. Doolittle 3’” Award - to Eddie Murphy, whose “Showtime”, “Pluto Nash”, and “I Spy” grossed a collective $75 million. This narrowly edged “Showtime” co-star Robert DeNiro’s troika (“Analyze That” and “City By the Sea”) which have earned $88.1 million to date.

The “This Smacks of Socialized Medicine” Award - to “John Q” whose $71 million gross could have paid the health insurance premiums of about 12,000 families for a year (at $500/month).

The “Uh oh, More Socialism” Award - to “Maid in Manhattan”, whose $57 million gross to date could pay the yearly salaries of nearly 2300 maids (at $25,000/year).

The “Quantity is Quality” Award - to Warner Brothers, whose 26 releases this year included the aforementioned “Juwanna Mann”, “Showtime”, “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” and “A Walk to Remember” as well as the following wastes of celluloid: “Ghost Ship”, “Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever”, “Queen of the Damned”, “Collateral Damage”, “Murder by Numbers”, “Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood”, “Death to Smoochy”, “Eight Legged Freaks”, “Fear Dot Com”, “Analyze That”, and “Two Weeks Notice”. That’s a lot of crap (and a lot of Sandra Bullock). What’s bankrolling all of this dreck you ask? “Harry Potter 2: Electric Boogaloo” ($240 million) and the Linda Cardellini-wasting “Scooby Doo” ($153 million).

The “Loosest Greenlights In Town” Award - to Sony, another serial slop purveyor who foisted the following upon American audiences in 2002: “Slackers”, “Resident Evil”, “The Sweetest Thing”, “The New Guy”, “Enough”, “Mr. Deeds”, “The Master of Disguise”, “Stealing Harvard”, “Trapped”, “I Spy”, “xXx”, “Half Past Dead”, “Adam Sandler’s 8 Crazy Nights”, and “Maid in Manhattan”.

The “Rub One Out” Award - to “Amy’s Orgasm” released by Magic Lamp films.

The “Most Easily Adapted to Porn” Award - to “The Banger Sisters”. Runners-up: “The Mystic Masseur”, “The Cockettes”, “The Son of the Bride”, “Mostly Martha”.

The “It’s Not About What You Think It’s About” Award - to “The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys”.

Posted by Jamie at 05:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

ahhhh weather. beloved conversational fallback with its own 24 hour basic cable channel. what else would give the lady at the deli reason to commiserate with me as i purchase my newspaper? how else would the well-bundled clock puncher and i pass the time at the bus stop? i'm usually uncomfortable in the face of small talk, but weather is something i can sink my teeth into.

but even t.s.o.a., avowed cold weather lover and the official blog of Killstorm 2004, is getting fuckin'-A tired of this temperatures-in-the-teens, wind-chill-of-negative-six crapola. and while the dread summer heat wave will descend upon us all too soon, i was heartened to see the other day that the sun has returned to Barrow, Alaska after a couple month absence. this "arctic sunrise" means that the air masses taking the Canadian expressway to deposit their wind and snow on us should start becoming warmer. so that ice on the sidewalks might actually melt sometime before March.

bonus link (for crispin): it's the Arctic Circle restuarant chain! no sign of any of the animal mascots, unfortunately.

my boss just had me print out the latest forecast for him so he can make a decision on whether the office might close early or open late. c'mon snow day!

Posted by Jamie at 01:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

heard this morning on the V train:

"42nd street. transfer here to the F, E, B..........transfer here to the F, E.........no, not the E.............transfer here to the F, B, D and number 7 trains."

nice to know i wasn't the only one who still wanted to be in bed. now where is this deluge of snow that they've been promising for the past 3 days?

Posted by Jamie at 01:04 PM | Permalink

another marginal acquaintance is set for his publishing debut when Sean Howe's Give Our Regards to the Atomsmashers!: Writers on Comics comes out in June. i was reminded of this on Saturday when i saw him across the crowded floor at The Wrens show in Hoboken. this continues the spate of good news for people who sort of know me.

the show was fantastic by the way. even the opening bands (True Love, and The Rules) were good. stupidly, i waited until after the show to try to buy "Secaucus," the album from 1996. it was sold out by then. apparently, the only copies they did have they burned themselves since the defunct Grass Records still owns the rights. i did pick up a copy of "Silver" their first album from 1994, also burned by the band. if anyone knows where i can get a copy of "Secaucus" let me know.

Posted by Jamie at 05:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

when was it decided that "addy" was an acceptable abbreviation of "address"? who in their right mind uses that? it looks and sounds horrible, and when i read it, it ends up rattling around my brain until i can feel it piercing the gray matter. it's the linguistic equivalent of a fanny pack. it's even worse than calling pizza "za" which was once the undisupted and unchallenged holder of the "world's worst abbreviation" crown. at least there you're saving a syllable. when you type "addy" you're not even saving yourself much time. look at the keyboard. unless you're using a dvorak model, the 'r' 'e' and 's' are all adjacent to the 'd' making it easy, even for those of us who can't quite manage to get our pinkies involved in the typing process. please cease and desist from any and all uses of the term.

coming in a distant second on the list of grievances is the misuse of the terms "less" and "fewer," which is reaching epidemic proportions. "less" is for concepts and measurements (i.e. time, money, rainfall), "fewer" is for individual objects (dimes, shoes, zits). less patience, fewer patients. also, "less ripe apples" means that the apples in question are not as ripe, while "fewer ripe apples" indicates the relative number of apples involved.

the wife has an interesting linguistic quirk in which she will often say things like "the closet needs cleaned," leaving out the "to be" (or just refusing to use the gerund). the official position on this for now is that it's endearing, but given 10 or 15 years it could easily devolve into a hidden source of tension until one day someone has a reference copy of the Book of English Usage flying at their unsuspecting head.

Posted by Jamie at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (18)

so what is up with people i kind of know writing books? ben osborne's new book about the brooklyn cyclones and coney island comes out soon (though i have been given a copy to peruse - details to come) where it will join will leitch's life as a loser compendium, and claire zulkey's girls! girls! girls! in the "tangential acquaintences" section of my library. once i actually buy all of them. which i will. seriously.

in terms of actual friends and relatives, the official brother of t.s.o.a. wrote a book in 2002 for national novel writing month, while word is that kfan has a novel in the works. anyone interested in the publishing rights to t.s.o.a. is welcome to contact me sometime after i fall asleep tonight.

Posted by Jamie at 05:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

now on the scene: wonkette, yet another nick denton financed blog that aims to be for DC and politics what gawker has been for NYC and "real estate porn". marc will love that they've already linked to a story from the fredericksburg paper. i've already got it in my "favorites" section, which unbeknownst to me most people don't even use. huh.

people are using Google in new and creative ways though, bombing it with links that then result in such things as searches for "miserable failure" resulting in the top result being the official white house biography of george w. bush. of course, that's not something that would normally be typed into a search engine, so the whole point is to make it happen just so you can send an e-mail around as some sort of pathetic political statement that will only provoke your enemies into like-minded smallmindedness. stellar.

Posted by Jamie at 05:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

sometimes, reading the agate type on the sports page leads to a gem like this:

CHICAGO WHITE SOX - named Razor Shines coach of Birmingham (AA) of the Southern League.

this is a step up from the Kannapolis (A) Intimidators for the sharply named Shines. having a great name helped make up for an extremely lackluster career in which he managed only 81 major league ABs over four seasons, without ever hitting a home run. i swear that i remember having one of his baseball cards growing up, but i couldn't find a picture of one online. i did find his Indianapolis Indians bobblehead on sale, however.

i suppose the fact that it's on sale points to the beginning of the end for the bobblehead craze. and none too soon - do we really need more of these pointless souvenirs clogging up our shoeboxes and landfills for years to come until such a point when someone decides that the supply has dwindled enough that they're worth something and Sotheby's starts auctioning them off? is this what we want the anthropologists of the future using to reach conclusions about our society? "hmmm...this appears to be an idol made in tribute to their orb god whom they believed held sway over the economic revitalization of their cities."

and while we're jumping off tangentially here, the razor wars are quickly spiraling out of control. when gillette introduced the Mach III, it was universally hailed as the best razor ever invented. so schick went and dreamed up the Quattro - four blades of cutting power - a razor that engendered a lawsuit and begged the question "where will it end?" while many assumed the jump to five blades was nigh, gillette has countered with the new M3Power which still has only three blades like the Mach III, but now vibrates for some reason. which means, that in addition to buying blades, you'll now have to buy AAA batteries in order for your face (or legs - I've heard many women rave about the Mach III) to achieve strokability.

the t.s.o.a. solution? stop shaving.

Posted by Jamie at 12:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

on the heels of post-polvo snoozefest 2 comes these two articles on the love of mixtapes, debating whether the advent of the CD burner has helped or hindered the artistry involved.

salon.com requires you to watch a brief commerical in order to access their site. if you don't want to make that commitment, here's a brief summary of each side:

pro:

Today, when I choose to make a mix, I can easily sort through hundreds, even thousands of songs readily available on my hard drive. No more rewinding cassette tapes endlessly to find a particular song, no more hunting through piles of CDs and albums for that elusive track. And if I need a particular song that I don't happen to have, I just go online, buy it or find it. I don't have to worry about CDs breaking or getting too scratched to play -- the playlist is always there, safe on my computer, ready to be burned again. Best of all, if I want to experiment with a different order of songs, I just drag and drop.

con:

"On the subways you see people with iPods. They have, what, a thousand songs on them. Ten thousand, even. They stare random-glared into oblivion. [R]obots with shitty music taste and too much money to spend on music-listening hardware and shoes, in that order," is how Sal Tuzzeo Jr., a music writer, describes the phenomenon. Fewer people who are connected to the music they listen to translates into a less critical and picky audience for the crapola that the record companies and radio stations promote. The quality of music overall goes downhill.

while t.s.o.a. is not one to sneer at technology, there is something to be said for the linearity of a tape with its gentle magnetic hiss. the heartbreak of fast-forwarding really adds to the need to make sure that songs flow well and that you keep the crap to yourself. of course that implies being less adventurous in your choices and a lot more time spent per mix, so perhaps it's a wash.

Posted by Jamie at 06:14 PM | Permalink

a play in one act. i can't confirm if this off-off broadway piece was actually ever performed, but its raw energy and power speak for themselves.

Power Skit

Discussion with class about Maria’s attitude and Erick’s concern.

[curtain]

Posted by Jamie at 02:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

woke up feeling rather ill this morning, but felt happier when i remembered that i had sent myself a link to the page that allows me to create new blog entries so that i could do one from home if i called in sick. this is a troubling sign.

meantime, i invite you to check out the guys over at banterist where they have a new installment of the fun "grammar cop" series, as well as a funny "ABCs of the MTA".

Posted by Jamie at 12:18 PM | Permalink

1. last week i mentioned that Not Fooling Anyone was looking for pictures of a place in Brooklyn that I often pass: a former White Castle that has become the Veggie Castle. so this morning i stopped and took a couple of pictures to send to them, only to find that someone else had beaten me to the punch. you can catch a picture i took of one of the murals here.

2. for some reason, i can never get the Game Show Network website to load on my computer. all i want to know is when "Games Across America" is going to feature beard-and-moustache-related episode i saw previewed a couple weeks ago, but the site stalls out every time before i even get any graphics to appear. does anyone else have this problem?

3. i'm hungry. time for lunch.

Posted by Jamie at 01:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

t.s.o.a. isn't one to normally get too down about the passing of time, birthdays, and the like. of course, the big 29 is right around the corner, but it shouldn't lead to any age-based doldrums. what did cause a bit of misty-eyed nostalgia this morning, however, was the realization that the Working Holiday Three Day Weekend took place just over 10 years ago. *sigh*

in an unrelated matter, t.s.o.a. is officially throwing its weight behind the John Edwards campaign for president. this might be viewed as a front-running, johnny-come-lately move, but seeing his speech last night after he finished 2nd in Iowa got me all fired up to see him taking on g.w.bush. i liked Edwards from the get go, but he didn't seem to quite have it all together until now. having toyed with backing Clark and Dean (did you see him last night? good god!) but not being able to commit to either, it feels good to have the issue settled, at least on a personal level.

Posted by Jamie at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

in the interest of broadening horizons, the wife broke out a persimmon last night, which i had never tried before. it was oddly orange and had a sweet, honey-ish quality to it but wasn't really something i would go out of my way to eat again.

since it's that time of year, here's the official t.s.o.a. top 5 fruits of 2003:

5. red plums
4. mango
3. pineapple
2. granny smith apples
1. sunburst tangerines

and just for Dan and Sujan, a list of the top 5 middling indie rock bands in my music collection, in order or Potential Mockery Value. i shant divulge how many albums by each of these bands i actually possess:

5. beekeeper
4. seam
3. butterfly train
2. new radiant storm king
1. karl hendricks trio

Posted by Jamie at 01:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

how come nobody ever talks about the Chris Isaak show? sure, it's on showtime an it's just now come back on after a Sopranos-like 18 month vacation, but even before it never generated much buzz. happening upon it last night, we watched the last half of it and it was so enjoyable in its understated goofiness that t.s.o.a. is legitimately saddened to learn that this is the last season for the show. we'll certainly miss Anson's antics, but the news goes down a little sweeter since next week's episode will feature Oakland As pitcher and noted guitarist Barry Zito.

last night's episode featured Chris learning a valuable civics lesson after running for parking commissioner and ending up with a measly 32 votes. brilliant! but i won't win any friends by saying that i'd rather watch this show than Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Posted by Jamie at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

the woman at the desk behind me has recently started playing a lot of solitaire in order to occupy her non-socializing work time (don't worry - her department is about to hire someone else to help ease the workload). t.s.o.a. lacks the necessary chutzpah to admonish her for slacking, but solitaire? there's no skill involved, as you're pretty much a slave to however the cards fall. they invented the internet so no one would ever have to play that game anymore. and the internet offers so many valuable ways to fill your time: e-mail, news, games, sex chat, shopping, blog entries. you could fill the better part of a year just Googling people.

back in 1996, at some horrible temp job and with the internet in its nascent stages, i would play some freecell (which actually employs strategy), while trying to anticipate when the higher-ups would be passing by my desk. that didn't work so well, so a new time waster was needed. i moved on to folding the sports page and putting it in my lap, but that just made it look i was staring at my crotch a lot. eventually i got jobs that didn't tie me to a desk all day, enabling work sloughing to take place unabated.

t.s.o.a.'s favorite stories of work as a temp slave:

1. locking myself in a conference room that only i had a key to and napping for a couple hours.
2. going to a friend's apartment on my lunch break and drinking a 40 of OE 800 while playing NHL '94 on Sega Genesis for an hour, then going back to the office and attempting to avoid exhaling for the next 4 hours.
3. meeting 3 other friends (also temping) in an alley one afternoon to pass the dutchie.
4. staying all night alone in an office one night to finish some important reports. i was rewarded with hours of uninterrupted porn surfing and the next day, my boss went to the ATM and gave me $100 out of his own account to thank me for my dedication. this on top of the time-and-a-half i earned for the overtime.
5. getting my own office for 2 months, while the person i worked for sat outside in a cubicle.
6. flirting with the girls in Boston who transferred callers to us so we could help them sort out their insurance problems.
7. picking up my paycheck every week while politely declining the repeated offers from clarence the receptionist to join him in the pool at his apartment complex.
8. scoring free lunches from conference rooms after meetings let out.

Posted by Jamie at 04:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

in case you needed more baseball on this frigid evening, here's a fun writeup from baseball prospectus of the recent 'Hot Stove, Cool Music' show put on by Peter Gammons for charity. the random music references in Gammons' columns are usually a hoot (he loves warren zevon among others), and here he actually played guitar and sang when not leading 'yankees suck' cheers. so much for journalistic impartiality.

Posted by Jamie at 06:40 PM | Permalink

so is it just t.s.o.a., or does the photo for this article make it look like derek jeter is some sleazy dude trying to convince Reggie Jackson to join him in a bathroom stall? while Jackson's body language says "um, yeah, i think i hear my friends calling me. bye!" while many may question jeter's defensive skills, his offensive prowess has never been in doubt.

Posted by Jamie at 11:02 AM | Permalink

what happens when a chain restaurant goes under? often, other businesses move right in to the same building leaving tell tale signs of the previous occupants. check out this former Planet Hollywood for instance, courtesy of Not Fooling Anybody. looks like they're based out of Ontario or Michigan as that's where most of the case studies originate. but they accept submissions from all over, and their wanted list includes a place in Brooklyn - which some quick sleuthing shows is on the route i occasionally take to work when i have a car. gotta remember the camera next time.

link via satan's laundromat.

Posted by Jamie at 05:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

questions we blew during Dr. Fact's night of 50 questions at Buttermilk last night(answers below):

1. what band wrote and performed the soundtrack to the 2003 movie Demon Lover?
2. before 2000, what was the last year that there was a subway series and who were the teams involved?
3. what is the largest state (in area) east of the Mississippi?
4. what NYC rap star is the son of [some moderately famous jazz musician]?
5. what body part does amblyopia affect?
6. in what decade did McSorley's pub first serve women?

i think there were a couple others that i can't remember right now too. but despite all that, the Mars Rovers (Jamie, Jim, Kaci and Marc) still managed to gain a stirring come-from-behind victory totaling 37 points to win by the slimmest of margins over 13 other teams of the Park Slope cultural elite. the total take: $149. come watch us defend our championship on Monday, Febraury 9th! we'll take team name suggestions, though Jim is pushing hard for "The Neuticles".




answer key:
1. Sonic Youth
2. 1956, Brooklyn Dodgers and New York Yankees (we said 1957)
3. Georgia
4. Nas
5. the eyes
6. 1970s

Posted by Jamie at 10:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

wherein a young boy must make a life-altering choice. his name has been changed. spelling, grammar and sentence structure are the authors.

AUTOBIOGRAPH OF MARCUZ

I was attending Junoior High Scholl when something changed the way I think. I was in the Eight Grade and in a few mounths I would be graduating and moving on to high school.

It was spring brake and my friends and I were going out having a lot of fun enjoying every minute of it. One Saturday I was in my kitchen when a knife was on the counter which I accidentally hit and it feel strait toward my feet. My foot was bleading a lot stoped after I tied it up. I though that it was just a little cut but it turned out that I had to andergo surgery for my foot because I was unable to move my big toe.

School opened on the Monday and I was walking normally. Two weeks after I went to the doctor and he said I had to undergo surgery in order to be able to move my big toe. I undergo surgery in the next few days. I had a cast on from my toes up to the bottom of my kness.

I had already missed school for one mounth and the doctor said that I have to wait another six weeks to take off the cast I kept the cat on for two weeks and had to make a decision which will deturmine my future. Which is to stay at home with the cast on and be one year behind in school or take the cast off and attend school. Well I chose to cut the cast off myself and attend school.

The decision made a big change in my life in which I had to choise my health or school. I really don’t know if my foot is OK, my toe works like normal but I need to go to a doctor to find out if it is really OK.

so i'm confused - why couldn't he have worn the cast *and* gone to school? i remember kids in casts and on crutches pretty often during my schooling. do kids still sign other kids casts? or are those who have suffered accidents merely objects of derision now? at any rate, i'm definitely not buying the "i accidentally hit the knife and it cut my foot" story. the fact that 13 year-old boys on spring break are prominently featured makes me wonder what kind of knife games they were playing.

Posted by Jamie at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

"he's a rapist!"

"no he's not!.....that's his brother."

shortly thereafter a wandering minstrel submitted two poems for our consideration. after we balked at his 50-cents-per-poem price structure, he read them again and got his $1. feeling appreciative, he then invited us to the future book release party to be held in the event that some book publisher decides that the public wants more books of poetry written by guys who haven't showered in at least a month.

Posted by Jamie at 11:22 AM | Permalink

i didn't plan to keep harping on this, but the quest to waste money continues! a base on the moon? manned trips to mars? how has it come to this? i believe we have truly succumbed to the sci-fi geeks. literally, the best reason i can think of to send a person to mars is because Bush must think "well, they did it in the movies!" now we've got all these Star Trek-addled engineers and physicists with control over NASA's checkbook planning to search other planets for signs of the Lost Tribe of Menarche, who will undoubtedly submit to their every whim. warp speed Mr. Sulu!

and just when i was ready to give Bush some credit for his immigration initiative, even if it is fairly blatant election-year posturing and pandering to the Hispanic community. it would at least have helped members of the lower tax brackets.

meanwhile, thanks to Phil and Claire for info regarding the very first Washington, DC Presidential Primary, being held next Tuesday with the intention of drawing attention to the lack of equal congressional representation for DC residents. while it will be the first primary in the nation, it is non-binding and features only 4 of the Democratic candidates, of whom only Dean has any shot at winning (the others are Moseley-Braun, Sharpton and Kucinich). so how does this bogus vote draw attention to the plight of DC residents, when polls show that most Americans don't even realize that DC doesn't have equal representation? considering that most Americans also seem to be unaware of this vote taking place, i would dare say "it doesn't." Phil makes the good point that holding a vote concerning the presidency may have the opposite of the intended effect to many casual observers who will probably hear about the results and just assume that people in DC get to vote for all the same things they do.

at any rate, t.s.o.a. loves the "taxation without representation" license plates in DC, and especially loved it when lame duck Pres. Clinton decided to put them on the presidential limo.

Posted by Jamie at 04:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

so the pete rose situation has a lot of undies in a twist. t.s.o.a. didn't much care and was fine with him in the hall of fame until this latest round of jackassery on his part. now he has the following working against him here:

* he waited 14 years to admit to his actions and apologize, and then the apology is half-hearted at best with blame still being flung at everyone but the man in the mirror.

* his career statistics seem less impressive every time we look at them.

* he puts out his new book right as the Hall of Fame voting results are being announced. and have you seen the book? his name is in huge letters and the actual title of the book is all but pushed to the back cover. give us a break.

* peter gammons had his own change of heart and called him" perhaps the lowest figure in baseball in my 32 years of covering the sport." damn!!

pete, on second thought, screw off - you're a bigger putz than anyone might have hoped. i hope Selig let's you back in in two years so you can take your chances with the veteran's committee (who will never vote you in by the way), and that you never get to put on another uniform ever again.

Posted by Jamie at 06:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

please forgive the policitization, but the front page of the NYTimes had another provocative photo today. in it the prime ministers of Pakistan and India wave to a crowd after agreeing to restart peace talks between the two nations.

but what might be more shocking than this diplomatic about face is that while they wave, the two men are clearly holding hands. could you imagine president bush holding hands with another world leader under any circumstances that didn't involve him about to fall over a cliff? what kind of reaction would there be if he and jacque chirac held hands in front of the UN Security Council? bill o'reilly would have a field day and the democrats might start looking forward to November. yet here are two men who run volatile countries that aren't exactly at the forefront of homosexual acceptance clutching each other as if it were de rigeur.

so why, in this queer-eye-era of US history, do i feel the need to point this out? i guess because it was the first thing i noticed about the photo. and that in turn made me realize how far we still have to go in this country when it comes to acceptance on a subconscious level. we can date lesbians and grill our gay friends about their latest nerve.com crushes, but the sight of two women kissing or a man in a miniskirt will continue to turn heads and wag tongues. and athletes will continue to spout slurs at each other while their gay colleagues remain closeted for fear of being ostracized.

and yes, i know that nerve.com reference is already dated.

Posted by Jamie at 06:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

another in the series of letters and documents i have found on my company's file server. i doubt anything else i post will be as emotionally charged as the first one but they should be entertaining. again, all original grammar and punctuation has been left intact, and all non-celebrity names have been changed:

July 21, 2003

Home phone # 1-718-XXX-XXXX

Posted by Jamie at 12:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

sorry marc, but here's the caption from a picture on the front page of today's NYTimes that shows two NASA guys in 3-D glasses looking at pictures: "The images gave scientists a clearer view of a circular depression that Spirit [the Mars rover] may be sent to explore." it's a freaking impact crater!! we have those on earth and it wouldn't cost us $1 billion to investigate them. and we also don't feel the need to give them stupid names like "sleepy hollow" (so named because the scientists were sleepy when they first saw it. awww). we already spent hundereds of millions on two botched probes to Mars in the late 90s, and now we're planning on spending who knows how much more on future missions in 2005, 2007, 2009 and 2011.

t.s.o.a. is calling bullshit on this whole endeavor, especially since much of the stated goals seem to be "to study the weather and climate" of Mars. we can't even predict the weather on earth, nor do we really know much about the processes of long-term climate change. has Lyndon LaRouche finally infiltrated the government?

Posted by Jamie at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

so today i tried and failed to write about a couple different topics, heavily condensed here:

football - computers had Oklahoma ranked #1, they lost by 28 points and they were still ranked #1. the writers had them ranked #1, they lost (to Kansas State) and they moved them to #3. they then lost again, while Ohio State beat Kansas State, yet the final polls had Oklahoma #3 and Ohio State #4. the point: does anyone need more evidence as to the flaws of the system in place to decide a champion? voting to keep the current system is akin to letting an audience member conduct the orchestra. she may not know where the song is going but is she waves her arms around enough she might convince some people that she knows what she's doing.

the new mars probes - can anyone explain to me how the $1 billion being spent here is justified? when we've already sent probes to Mars that have taken soil samples and color pictures and found no signs of life? aren't we facing record deficits right now? aren't there social programs being underfunded? i love science, but who gives a fuck about Mars right now? let's cure cancer or something first. or maybe NASA thinks the cure for cancer is on Mars somewhere?

general/sports - something that bugs me greatly is when people spout "statistics" or "trends" and then use them to predict things for which they have no predictive value. this is especially prevalent in sports where people love to say things like "since he's 0-3 in the playoffs, Peyton Manning can't win the big game" and then have to back track when he leads his team to a 41-10 playoff victory. but it happens everywhere - there's a lot of talk comparing Howard Dean to George McGovern and predicting that he will fail as spectacularly in his bid for the presidency (predicting that Dean will win the Democratic nomination is reasonable, however, given the indicators that actually have predictive value such as polls, endorsements, etc.). this line of thinking gloms onto some very basic similarities and runs with them, which is fine for a 6 year-old but not so much for highly paid political pundits.

Posted by Jamie at 06:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)