the shrewdness of apes

an open letter to Bo Bo Garden

Dear Owner/Operator,

we regret to inform you that your attempts to attract our attention to your restaurant since we moved in over 6 months ago have been too successful. while a more restrained approach might have managed to put you into the mix of our occasional cheap Chinese take-out indulgences along with China Delight, Taste of Oriental and China One, your stubborn insistence on cluttering our entrance with menus at seemingly shrinking intervals has earned you a special place at the top of our "Do Not Order" list. sorry to say, but even a sudden reversal of tactic that resulted in our being subjected to zero additional passive-aggressive menu sales pitches would be unlikely to result in a change to our policy. all future missives from your restaurant will be roundly cursed and possibly ritually burned along with the other weekly circulars which constantly befoul our front stoop and raise our ire.

often by the time we reach the front door, our hands are full with briefcases, purses, grocery bags, mail and other items of great importance. anything hindering our attempts to get keys in locks and selves indoors is rightfully regarded as a nuisance. this is most assuredly not your intention, but therein lies the disconnect: i don't believe that you once considered our needs before sending your minions out to shove menus into every gate and gateway within a 12 block radius. it is either that, or you have grossly mis-estimated our needs by presuming that receiving the 15th copy of your menu would represent some sort of ego-sating milestone that we might celebrate by popping the cork on that special bottle we've been saving and ordering $50 worth of Dragon & Phoenix (A4, $9.00).

certainly we understand that the competition for your share of the low-budget Chinese Food market is fierce to say the least. we have received menus from numerous of your competitors (of which there seems to be one every block or two, all with similar if not identical menus), and though we'd like to assume that everyone is playing by the book, perhaps there are turf battles taking place right under our noses with operatives sneaking in under cover of night to add MSG to the garlic sauce and change the grammar on the menu. it does appear that you have succumbed - as many before you have - to adding things like Fried Chicken Wings (H2, $2.00) and French Fries (H14, $1.00) to the other 250+ items on you menu. we can only assume that this ploy has been less than successful in increasing your profit margin and that raising your prices or simplifying your menu are not options given the climate of competition.

maybe you simply had too many menus printed and now you do not know what to do with them. maybe you gave the job to your slow cousin and he added a 0 to your order of 1,000 and the boxes are cluttering the walk-in cooler making it hard to get to the Chow Fun (54-59, $3.25-$7.25) when the dinner rush is in full swing. maybe someone convinced you that the "saturation bombing" technique of marketing was guaranteed to increase business. maybe you are a perfectionist who insists on issuing new versions each time a spelling mistake is corrected. regardless of the problem, we resent being a part of the solution. we recommend that you simply view them as a sunk cost which you could dispose of yourself (or better yet, recycle) and find something better to do with the money you're paying whatever unfortunate individual you are sending out on the littering tour of the neighborhood. or, i just had another idea! perhaps you could expand your delivery area. the car pictured on your menu looks pretty reliable, so i'm sure it could handle the extra few miles per night that it would accrue in the service of your bottom line. that would open up entire new blocks that might take a kinder view to receiving your menu (once or twice) and help you make up the business that your current tactics are costing you.

at any rate, we will reiterate that from this point forward, we will be forgoing the epicurian delight that is your Roast Pork w. Oyster Sauce (86, $3.75/$6.25) from this point forward. and while we won't be actively wishing or campaigning for the demise of Bo Bo Garden, you'll have to forgive us if we encourage our dog to whiz in the general vicinity of your (we're sure health-department-compliant) restaurant.

Posted by jamie at March 6, 2005 07:01 PM